Moved Yet Again...

Yeah, yeah, I know, WTF.  How many times am I gonna move this thing?  Well, truly, this is the last time.

If you follow my blog through the sayhedgehog.com/blog link you won't even be bothered with this message because it will already take you to the new URL of roxieprince.tumblr.com.

I decided to move to Tumblr because I have a decent following of my other Tumblog and I feel like rather than yelling into the wind here on Blogger my entries will actually be read.  I love the Tumblr community and I frankly just don't feel like Blogger has the same kind.

Anyway, enjoy the new blog!

Life Online...

Hello, everyone!  Or those of you that actually read this.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just yelling into the wind...

Contrary to what you might have come to believe, I am still very much alive.  I have just taken a step back from sharing my life so openly online lately.  I have blogged actively for nearly a decade, leaving my life open like a book for any and everyone to assess and critique, but over the last couple of months I have learned that it may be best for me to step away from that for a while, if not forever.

I just don't feel as safe sharing so much online anymore.  What used to be a safe haven for me, the one place I could actually be sociable, has become something completely different.  I no longer feel safe, mostly because every community/site I used to love seems to be filling with childish, judgmental people who rather than accept people's lives and choices want to condemn them or make light of it.  Not to me necessarily, but it's just something I've noticed happening more and more and I really don't want to be a part of it anymore.

Also, I just simply feel that it's more important that I utilize my handwritten journal to take a look at my life than it is to subject it to the scrutiny of strangers.  I'm at a point in my journey that I need to quiet the noise around me and listen only to myself.

Don't get me wrong, I very much have an online presence.  After all, my very best friends are online and it's the only way I am comfortable socializing.  I am extremely active on Tumblr (sayhedgehog.tumblr.com) on Twitter (@roxieprince) and on various pagan and hedgehog forums.  I don't plan on leaving the interwebs completely, just stepping back a little.

Yes, I deactivated my Facebook account.  It's funny, once I did I got an influx of text messages from people that hardly ever spoke to me through Facebook asking where I went.  Seems to me, there are plenty of ways to get ahold of me if you truly want to aside from the atrocity that is Facebook.  Why did I deactivate?  Mostly because I don't really need to know what 300+ people who aren't active in my daily life are doing every minute of every day.  It was just a lot of noise that needed to be silenced and it was and I am happy.

I've even thought about deleting this blog (and still might) because I don't really know if anyone actually reads this and because it's yet another place I feel obligated to paint a portrait of my life for the world to see.  I have yet to delete though because I feel like this is the only way some of my family can stay up to date with what's going on in my life. (I guess not if I never update it though, huh?  Heh.)  Perhaps I just feel like there isn't much place for what I have to say anymore and I'm content with that.  Who knows what will become of this place, but for now it's still here.

I'm still here.

A Hedgehog Summer

Thaddeus and I have both been hiding in our homes lately.

Hello everyone!

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I updated here.  Every time I make a vow to start being more frequent in my updates I either find I have nothing of significance to say, or I just lose track of time.

This time it's more like I haven't had anything of significance to say.  I've been dealing with some pretty intense bipolar issues over the last couple of weeks, but I am on the right track to getting better.  I won't get deep into it, but part of it is that I've had major anxiety issues about leaving my home.  I really don't know where it's coming from, but it's hindering my life.

I once had an episode where I couldn't go outside because the air was "wrong", but I woke up the next day and all was well again.  This time, it seems to not be going away, no matter how much I want it to.  I am pretty much a homebody anyway, and to be honest, it wouldn't bother me much if I hardly ever got out, but it bothers me when the reason I'm not leaving isn't because I choose not to but because I'm afraid.  That's an entirely different matter.

Anyway, I am trying out some new ways both medicinal and spiritual to help cope with what's been going on.  It's not uncommon for bipolars to go through what I've been dealing with, but it could be that all the changes in my medication/body/life recently have helped to throw my brain chemistry for even more of a loop.

In other news, my lovely hedgehog Thaddeus (pictured above) has been dealing with a mite outbreak for a couple of months now.  Mites are quite common in hedgehogs, but surprisingly, after 8 years of hedgehog ownership, this is my first time dealing with them.  They can be quite a pain in the ass to get rid of sometimes, and of course, that has been our case.  I gave him the treatment to get rid of them when I first noticed the outbreak, but I wasn't able to give him the final dose and I guess that allowed the remaining eggs to hatch and reinfect him.  So, he's on  yet another round of treatment that I will finish this time and hopefully it will take care of them.  I really do hope so because I have been so stressed worrying about my little man.

I know most people probably think I am a complete psycho because of my insane love for hedgehogs (I do have five of them tattooed on me, afterall), but it never fails that when I start to fall into the really dark times/places in my mind they are what saves me.  I look into those little beady eyes, that wet, wiggly nose and touch their amazing quills and I find that happy place inside me again.  Needlesstosay, I've been spending a lot of time with Thaddeus, on hedgehog forums and posting hedgehog photos and information online lately because they make me smile when things are hard.

Do you believe in spirit animals?  I do, and I just know that instead of having a mighty lion or courageous bear as mine, I have a prickly hedgehog.  Who's to say there's anything wrong with that?  :)

All that said, there really isn't much else I feel I can update on.  The world keeps on spinning and life keeps on living.

As a side note, I'd really appreciate it if you could take the time to vote for #10 - Thaddeus Otto in the Hedgehog Summer Photo Contest.  He has been through a lot lately and could really use a new wheel.  Thank you very, very much.

I've Moved!

What's up, everyone?  I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger because I was getting a GIANT influx of spam comments over at Wordpress.  Even with spam blockers it was getting ridiculous.  It was affecting my ability to tell when I was actually getting REAL comments.  So anyway, here I am, using Blogger.  Obviously, the URL has stayed the same, so this is probably no big deal for you.  =]

Anyway, I have a few things to update about.  Nothing exciting, really, but I suppose I'll bore you anyway. ;]

Unfortunately, I was not approved for the Egrifta.  It's actually pretty damn stupid because they said I was, that the medication was going to be delivered to my house and then it just never showed up.  I called the Axis Center and low behold it was voided because I wasn't approved.  WTF?  Apparently, Medicaid won't cover it and I can't qualify for patient assistance because I have Medicaid.  Whatever.

At first, I was completely devastated, but now I'm actually at peace with the whole thing.  I'm sure, if I really looked I could find a program to help me get the medication, but honestly, at this point I feel like it's the Universe's way of telling me that I need to learn to truly love myself and not rely on some "miracle drug" to do it for me.

Yes, it is a matter of physical comfort as well as emotional, but this whole lipo thing has turned my life upside down for months now.  Before this, I never had any issues with self confidence or my appearance.  I never thought I was particularly beautiful, but I didn't think I was ugly either.  I was just content with it all.  Since developing the lipo I have completely lost touch with all of that.  I was feeling completely detached from my body - like the body myself and everyone else was seeing wasn't actually me.  It was almost like looking down at myself and having absolutely no recognition of who that person was.

Also, it has affected much, much more than just my body image.  Being bipolar, I struggle with voices inside my head (not voices that tell me to kill you or anything) and since the lipo they have gotten so much louder and meaner.  I have a hard time having conversations with other people because I just hear the noise inside my head telling me that I'm stupid, no one cares what I have to say, that I'm nothing less than completely annoying and that everyone just wishes I would piss off.  Because of this, I have been increasingly antisocial (which I already am, to an extent) and I honestly have no desire whatsoever to even leave my house.

It has gotten completely out of control, so when I found out I wasn't going to get the Egrifta it was like a lightbulb went off that it's time to start to find peace within myself and my appearance again.  It's funny, because I am one of the most body positive people you'll ever meet, but lately I haven't applied that to myself and it's awful.  It's going to be an uphill battle, believe me, I know, but I'm ready to do it.  I really am, so wish me luck.  =]

I have gotten off of all protease inhibitors though (they're the medications that cause the lipodystrophy), so hopefully it will halt the progression.  I started a new medication called Intelence a little over a week ago and while I'm still adjusting to it, it's going well so far.  The previous combination of medications was working really well, but I just couldn't handle the weight gain anymore, so hopefully this combo will be even better!

I'm working hard to be good to myself both physically and mentally.  That's much more of a challenge for me than it may seem, but I'm really trying.  Here's to getting there!

My Life is a Medical Drama...

I went to the doctor today.

We decided that since I'm still gaining weight and developing the big chin and the hump on my back we would try eliminating the last protease inhibitor from my regimen.  She thinks that the medication that's mostly responsible for my good blood work is the Selzentry, so we're leaving that in, removing the Reyataz and replacing it with another drug called Intelence.

It falls into a group of drugs that I had an allergic reaction to in the past, so it's possible I could react to this one as well, but we thought it was worth a try because if it doesn't work I can always go back on the Reyataz.

I'm nervous about possibly developing ANOTHER rash from an allergic reaction (this would be like the 5th in the last 12 months), but I know I cannot handle this belly weight anymore and my doctor seems confident that this could work for me.

You have to understand, the fat in my belly is not merely on the surface.  It's actually INSIDE my abdomen, putting pressure on my organs, giving me near constant acid reflux and I am uncomfortable all of the time.  I bend over, I can't breathe.  I lay on my stomach, I can't breathe.  Oh, and yoga is exceptionally uncomfortable in positions where it smooshes my belly.  It's not just a vanity thing.

Oh, also, I have not had a period since FEBRUARY and it's because of the weight gain.  Just like the excess fat deposits can cause one to become insulin resistant, it can cause one to become estrogen resistant.  Awesome.

We discussed the Egrifta approval again and since neither of us had heard from the Axis Center in a while, she called for me to try to get the ball rolling.  I had called the pharmacy that was supposed to be filling the prescription on Friday and they said they were still waiting for approval from my insurance.  When my doctor called today they said they were waiting on proof of income from me which they NEVER asked for, so JD is going to fax it to them tomorrow.  Ugh, gotta love red tape!

Anyway, hopefully I will get the Egrifa injections soon and this change in meds will work for me as well.

I am so thankful for how well the meds are working against the virus, but I am just so miserable physically and with my appearance.  I just want my body back.

I was just telling my doctor, it's funny because for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'm able to exercise on a regular basis.  Sure, I'm not training for a triathlon or anything, but it's more than I've ever been able to endure before, but I am the fattest I've ever been in my life.

Bah.  I'm just ready to get past all this and find a way for me to live LONG and HAPPY, together.  I don't think it's fair that I should have to choose between the two.