30 Day Challenge - Day 28

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!  I hope that 2011 is absolutely filled with joy, wonderful memories and prosperity for all of you.  Much love!

Something That I Miss:

Actually, right now I'm missing my lover.  He left for a week long vacation in Oklahoma with all the guys last night and he wasn't even gone for 6 hours and I was already heartsick for him.  I wasn't even able to fall asleep until nearly 7:30AM this morning without him beside me, and I'm sure it'll be like that every night until he gets back.

I'm fine during the day because he's usually gone for work then, but the nights are hard.  Sure, I've got Throckmorton, but it's not the same.  When you've gotten used to being with someone every day and every night for the last 6+ years it's hard, even for one day.

He definitely deserves this vacation though, so I'm really glad he's gotten to take it and is enjoying himself.  Having a quiet house is really, really, really nice, but I'd rather have my JD here, for sure.

30 Day Challenge - Day 27

A Problem:

What I've struggled the most with lately is coming to terms with what my medications are doing to my body, physically.

I love them because for the first time in my life, the level of HIV in my body is so low that it's no longer detectable.  I'm in the best health I've been in pretty much ever, but at the same time I hate them for what they're doing to my figure.  The types of medication I'm on, protease inhibitors, cause something called lipodystrophy.

Basically, they cause fat deposits to accumulate mostly in areas like the belly, back of your neck, and chin.  It also often makes the arms and legs very skinny while making the torso large, so you really do look like Spongbob Squarepants.  There's virtually nothing you can do about it aside from stopping the medications, and even then it's highly unlikely that the fat will go away.  Exercise doesn't help, nothing.

It's extremely frustrating and disheartening.  Since starting the meds in May I've gained 19 lbs.  I seriously look like I'm pregnant and it's absolute hell.

I really have no choice but to learn to accept this.  I'm still sticking to my workout routine and all that, but it's really hard when you feel like it's for naught.  I still have not come to terms with it, and I'm very, very unhappy with the shape of my body right now, but I have to keep telling myself that it's better to have a pot belly and live a long, healthy life than be thin and live the alternative.  Who knows how long it's going to take me to accept it, but I hope I will soon because I'm absolutely miserable in that area of my life.  =/

I just want to be able to wake up, look at myself and be happy with the shape of my body.  I've worked so hard to maintain my weight and then this happens.  I know it's such a petty thing to focus on, but I can't help it.  I just want to look the way I envision myself, which in all honesty isn't even really thin, just not with a giant belly.  It's the only part of my body I hate and I don't know how to accept it.

30 Day Challenge - Day 26

What Kind of Person Attracts Me:

Mostly I am attracted to intelligence and independence.  I love people who know who they are, what they want and how to get it.  People who can hold a conversation about more than just pop culture and the weather.  People who think for themselves and form their own opinions, but at the same time are open to learning new things.

Another important quality to me is open mindedness.  There isn't much more frustrating to me than someone who refuses to acknowledge that there is a whole wide world outside of their beliefs and who can't accept anything different.  The differences in people and ideas are what make this world a beautiful place and I find it really sad when someone won't broaden their horizons.  It's how we all learn.  Keep an open mind, always and to everything.

I'm also attracted to people who are accepting and kind.  People who show respect to their fellow humans, as well as animals and the world around them.  I love people who can allow those around them to just be them without any judgment or without being condescending.  Someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to allow the real beauty of others to shine around them, because really, when one can do that their true beauty shows.

Also, I guess I should answer this question how most folks would - with what physically attracts me.

I am both attracted to men and women and I tend to like the extremes of both.

In men, I like big, stocky mountain men types.  Hairy, bearded, guys who look like they could kick some ass but are soft teddy bears to those they love.  My favorite part of men are their legs, especially hairy thick ones.  I tend to like dark hair in both sexes, long hair in men, but both short and long hair in women.  I like curvy women, but I like my men heavier.  I like women who don't wear a lot of makeup and let their hair do what it wants.  I like big, full lips and bright eyes.  I have a fascination with ladies with flat tummies.  Maybe it's because I wish I had one, but really, that's my favorite part of a woman.  Oh, and I absolutely love modified people.  Stretched piercings and tattoos, tattoos, tattoos.  Love it.

30 Day Challenge - Day 25

Someone Who Fascinates Me:

Hmmm, this is a hard one because honestly I can't narrow it down to one person.  All people fascinate me.  I love to hear life stories.  In fact, I often people watch and try to imagine what each person's story would be.  Perhaps that's the writer in me, I dunno, but I love learning about lives.

Everyone has a story.  Some are joyous, others exciting and some even tragic.  Each one has it's own magic and is absolutely fascinating.

I wish everyone I knew would take the time to tell me their stories, no matter how boring they think they are, because I promise you, it isn't.

30 Day Challenge - Day 24

My Favorite Movie:

Oh man, I have several favorite movies, but I especially love Spirited Away.



All of Hayao Miyazaki's films are beautiful masterpieces, but Spirited Away always blows me away.  I'm not normally one to like animated movies, but trust me when I say that all Miyazaki's films are much, much more than cartoons.  They're really pieces of cinematic brilliance.

From Wikipedia:

Spirited Away (????????, Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi^?, literally, Sen and The Spiriting Away of Chihiro) is a 2001 Japanese animated fantasy-adventure film written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki and produced by Studio Ghibli. The film theme is dislocation and it follows a sullen ten-year-old girl who is in the process of moving to a new neighborhood with her family, leaving her old friends and school behind, and chronicles of her adventures in a world of spirits and monsters. Miyazaki's technique as artist involves taking a child's primal wish, transporting kids to a fantasy world they cannot escape. There the viewer experiences phantasmagoric and shifting morality of dreams, fascinating and frightening aspect of having something that seems to represent good become evil.^[1]

I have seen it probably 50 times and I never get tired of it.  In fact, this post makes me want to watch it for the 51st time!

30 Day Challenge - Day 23

Five Male Celebrities I Find Attractive:

#1. Jason Schwartzman is my number one male celebrity crush.  OMG, so hot.

#2. Claudio Sanchez of Coheed & Cambria





#3. Jack Black





#4. Zack Galifianakis





#5. Common.  He's the only bald man I could get down to business with.  Haha!

What can I say, I like my men burly and bearded!

30 Day Challenge - Day 22

First of all, I want to wish you all a happy yuletide, Christmas, or whatever it is that you celebrate.  I hope your day was filled with good food, happy family, loving friends and lots of joy.

We decided to start doing "no gift Christmases" (for many reasons), and man, this was such a great change.  Probably the nicest, most stress free holiday we've ever had.  We've definitely made the right decision.  :)



How I've Changed In the Last 2 Years:

Physically, I've gotten more piercings and tattoos and have more mature dreads.  Also, my weight has fluctuated a lot.

Personality wise, I am more calm and able to contain my emotions better.  It seems like every year I find more control over my emotions.  Not necessarily that I can control their ebbs and tides, because by no means can I do that (thank you, bipolar disorder!), but I am more capable of controlling myself in situations where I would normally spout off and lose my cool.  In one way, I'm thankful for this new ability, but at the same time, I hold, what I think is way too much, inside myself and it causes me a great deal of stress.  I don't always stand up for myself when I should, whereas when I was younger I never allowed anyone to make me feel small.  It seems like in the trade of becoming more "controlled" I've lost the ability to assert myself, and man, I don't necessarily think it's an even trade.

I've also found my spiritual path, which I've always been aware of, but I've made a great deal more of an effort to follow it.

I'm really still the same person as two years ago, just getting older, I suppose...

30 Day Challenge - Day 21

One of My Favorite Shows:

My favorite show of all time will always be the Simpsons, but a close second and quite underrated one at that is Dead Like Me.

From Wikipedia:

Dead Like Me is an American-Canadian comedy-drama television series starring Ellen Muth and Mandy Patinkin as grim reapers who "live" and work in Seattle, Washington. Filmed in Vancouver, British Columbia, the show was created by Bryan Fuller for the Showtime network, where it ran for two seasons in 2003 and 2004 before cancellation. Fuller left the show five episodes into the first season due to creative differences; creative direction of Dead Like Me was then taken over by executive producers John Masius and Stephen Godchaux. A direct-to-DVD movie titled Dead Like Me: Life After Death was released on February 17, 2009,^[1] with an option to restart the series.^[2]

Eighteen-year-old Georgia "George" Lass (played by Muth) is the show's protagonist and narrator. George dies early in the pilot episode. She becomes one of the "undead", a "grim reaper". George soon learns that a Reaper's job is to remove the souls of people, preferably just before they die, and escort them until they move on into their afterlife. George's death leaves her mother (Cynthia Stevenson) and the rest of her family behind at a point when her relationships with them were on shaky ground. At the end of the movie the post-its and George's statement that she is "fucked" indicate that she is going to be Rube's replacement as head of the Seattle "external influence" division reapers.

The show explores the "lives" and experiences of a small team of such Reapers, as well as the post-mortem changes in George and her family as they deal with George's death.

It is a brilliant show, with exceptional actors, but of course, like all the great shows (Arrested Development, Pushing Daisies (from the same creator as Dead Like Me) and My Name is Earl) it was canceled by the ignoramus networks and left with a major cliffhanger ending.

Don't bother watching the movie that was made after the cancellation in hopes of sewing up the ends called Dead Like Me: Life After Death because it is honestly the most awful film I've ever seen.  It changes key characters, even leaving out one of the main ones, opens up and fails to close new plot holes and doesn't even wrap up the questions left open in the series.  It's just terrible and makes me feel sorry that such a great series was done even more wrong.

Definitely check out the show though, if you have a change.  It is on both Netflix and Hulu and really is worth a watch, I promise.

30 Day Challenge - Day 20

The Importance of Education:

I think education is extremely important, of course.  Children deserve every opportunity for success and that means a solid well rounded education taught by gentle, competent and caring teachers.  Unfortunately, I think a great deal of the school system in this country is lacking in some very important ways, and generally that is no fault of the dedicated teachers, but I suppose that is a topic for another post.

As for having a college education, I think that overall it is a wonderful thing, but not always for everyone.  I think people who look down on others who choose not to pursue a college education are pretty low.  A college education does not make one person better than another, because the fact is, some folks do very well for themselves and live extremely happy lives without one.  Be it because life got in the way or because school just isn't fit for some.  Either way, one's life success shouldn't be defined by whether or not someone has obtained a college degree.

In fact, I know of quite a few people who's lives are exponentially happier and more successful than their college educated peers'.

Also, I think it's perfectly righteous to teach oneself outside of going to college, and certainly, some people learn more effectively by studying things on their own outside of a structured learning environment.  Basically, I think that a "sanctioned" education is not necessarily more valuable than one obtained by self study.

Learn all day, everyday, not just inside a classroom with textbooks.  There's so much more to know than that and having that type of education is just as valuable, successful and admirable as one obtained from a university.

30 Day Challenge - Day 19

Disrespecting My Parents:

I'm assuming this means my thoughts on disrespecting my parents?

Well, my parents are dead, but I was raised by my aunt.  Being an adult, I don't believe in disrespecting your parents, or anyone in your life.  Sure, when I was a kid and a teenager, I did my fair share of that, as all children do, but those days are long past.

The moral of the story is - maturity means showing all your fellow people respect and you get back the respect you give out.

I feel like today was a waste of a question.  =/

30 Day Challenge - Day 18

My Beliefs:

I believe in Love.

Nothing is ever lost.

As stated earlier in this challenge I am Wiccan.  I believe in Deity that is in everything, including inside all of us and in free will and personal choice.  I don't believe that our lives are planned out for us or that Deity is vengeful and judgmental.  They just are, as we are.  They deserve reverence just like all things on Earth.  All things have energy, albeit different types, but we're all essentially made up of the same thing as Deity.

I believe all religions should be given equal respect and reverence without the pressure to conform to any one certain faith.  I do not believe any one religion is more "right" or "true" than another.  I do not believe in missions to convert others.  I think that's an incredibly disrespectful practice.  I don't believe in attacking, belittling or desecrating another person's beliefs.  None of us know what the "truth" really is, so we all have to go with what we feel in our hearts, so give grace and respect to all peoples as you'd want them to give you.  No matter how right you believe yourself to be, it's only fair to allow others to worship freely as they choose.

I believe that no one need know of your relationship with Deity aside from yourself and Them.  I don't believe we must celebrate in church, or with a group of people, for our communication to be heard.  I don't believe in religious propaganda.

I believe in your right to choose and your right to love who you want.  I believe we all have basic human rights that we should all be allowed.  All people are equal and deserve to make their own choices in their lives, regardless of what others or a government may say.  What's right for one person may not be right for another. I believe a woman should be free to make the choice of whether or not she wants to carry a child.

Love has no sexual/gender bounds.  No one should be told that their love is invalid or wrong because it's not the "cookie cutter" rendition.  Two (or three, or four, etc) same sex people can love one another just as truly and raise children just as well as two opposite sexed people can.  Remember, love is.

Essentially, I believe "'an it harm none, do what thou will".

30 Day Challenge - Day 17

My Highs & Lows of the Past Year:

Well, being bipolar I have a LOT of highs and lows in one month, let alone one year, but let's see if I can come up with a general overview.

Lows:

• General battles with my mental illness.  (This is the source of nearly all my lows.)


• The accident.  (We miss you, Mike.)


• Feeling inadequate or small in certain situations.


• General stress from certain people in my life.


• Three extreme allergic reactions that were just AWFUL.


• A real scare in the first part of the year about my HIV treatment.  We were worried about my dwindling options.


• Stress involving my aunt's situation at the start of the year.


• Struggling with great feelings of self loathing due to physical side effects of my medication.

Highs:

• My aunt's return home in March!


• Leaving my awful medical care and finding both a decent psychiatrist and a great HIV specialist.


• Finding a medication regimen that has made me undetectable!


• Having more energy than I have in as long as I can remember because of the medications.


• Finally starting serious work on my memoirs and novel.


• Locating my half brother who was estranged from me for my entire life on Facebook.


• Connecting with my father's side of the family more than I have in years and years.


• Finding my spiritual path.


• Adding a few body modifications - nipples & tattooing.


• Finding my power.


• Getting a Kindle.  Yes, that may seem silly, but if you read like me it's amazingly important.


• Having a bit of success with my Etsy shop.  It makes me feel great when people like my work.

That's really all I can come up with off the top of my head... I'm sure there are many more things to add to each category, but it's hard to remember every event that transpired over the course of a year.

30 Day Challenge - Day 16

My Thoughts on Mainstream Music:

Honestly, I don't really care.  I used to listen to a lot of music when I was younger, but now it mostly makes me feel overstimulated.  I have a select few bands I listen to and even then I rarely listen.  The only type of music I can listen to without feeling overstimulated and just plain overwhelmed anymore is classical music, and sometimes even that is too much.

I do think that music over the last 30 years has progressively gotten worse and worse.  Lyrics now are virtually meaningless and often just really trite and even stupid.  The majority of folks that become famous have no talent other than looking "hip" and having appeal to teenagers.  When I do listen to the radio in the car, most of the time I'm just like, "WTF is this nonsense?!"

I think it's really sad that it's becoming so commercial and sold out.  Music is supposed to be about passion and emotion and basic human response, not about making money and churning out album after album with rubbish lyrics and mediocre instrumentals.

Damn, I sound like an old lady, but it's how I feel.

30 Day Challenge - Day 15

My Favorite Tumblrs:

I'm gonna skip this one because I'm not doing this challenge on my Tumblr. Instead, I'm gonna take this time to show off updated photos of my tattoo!

From my 365 Project:

[Click to embiggen.]

Once again, these photos were taken by JD because it's nearly impossible to take photos of your own arm, but I'm including them in my project anyway. :)

I sat for the second session of my half sleeve tonight! No color yet (that's next time!), but all the black shading is done!

It is only a couple hours old here, thus I'm still very swollen and red in these photos and I think it looks a little odd without the color done, but it's getting there!

I really needed this lately. I've been struggling a great deal with my body because of side effects of my medication I cannot control. I've gained 19 lbs since May and it's been really getting me down.

I worked very hard a year and a half ago to lose 25 lbs and now it's all coming back. The weight gain is called Lipodystrophy and it's pretty much permanent for as long as you're on the meds and I have no plans to change them since they're working so well for me. Recently there was an injection approved to treat it, but I cannot try it yet and despite working out between 50 minutes - 2 hours at least four times a week I'm continuing to gain weight. I'm sure you can see how disheartening it is...

Anyway, I have been feeling extremely awful about myself, and getting tattooed always helps to boost my self esteem because I feel more complete each time. It's a lot easier to let go of weight issues when you feel comfortable in your skin.

Sorry, this got a little long winded... I cannot WAIT until it's finished! =D

30 Day Challenge - Day 14

My Earliest Memory:

I have very few memories of my early childhood.  I really don't remember much of anything until I was around 10 years old and what I do remember from before then are really broken memories.  I honestly believe i don't remember much of my early childhood due to how traumatic it was because of my parents' illness.

Let's see though...

Off the top of my head, the earliest thing I can remember is watching the old TV show Beauty and the Beast and The Wonder Years with my mom.  All I really remember is laying in her bed with her while watching them.  I barely remember anything of my mother from before she was ill, so I hold onto the little memories I have for dear life.

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

Somewhere I'd Like to Move or Visit:

This question is kind of strange.  I mean, there's a real difference between just visiting somewhere versus living there.

Anyway, if I could live anywhere, based on my limited travel experience, I'd want to live in California.  Mostly San Francisco or San Jose.  I've visited twice and have never been so enamored with a place.  The weather is absolutely perfect, the scenery is beautiful, the people are awesome.  Basically, it's just the exact opposite of where I live now.  San Francisco is such a neat city in pretty much every way.  I just love it there and often fantasize about living there permanently.

The top places I'd like to visit (and potentially live, if I liked them enough) would be all the Scandinavian countries.  Again, all the people seem so nice there and the scenery would be something to remember.  I'd also like to visit England, Ireland and Scotland.  Maybe one of these days!

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

I've enabled Facebook integration, so it's even easier to comment and share!

Bullet My Whole Day:

• Cleaned my bathroom at 1:30AM.


• Read until I fell asleep around 4:30AM


• Woke up at 8AM for no good reason and couldn't fall back asleep even though I was super tired.


• Finally fell back asleep  around 11AM for a couple hours.


• Woke up and took my medicine.


• Checked my phone, email and all that good stuff I do every morning.


• Went out and checked the mail.  Nothing good.


• Went to Wal-Mart with Winston to pick up more yarn and some groceries.  Actually got in and out without much hassle.  I hate Wal-Mart.


• Then went to pick up my Norvir (medication) at Walgreens.


• Came home and ate some awesome burgers Rhonda made.  Chatted with her for a bit.


• Started work on an Etsy order.


• Rubi called and I shot the shit with her for a while.


• Took a 365 photo which I still have yet to upload.


• Worked on 2 Etsy orders.


• Watched like a billion YouTube videos while I crocheted. (Beckie0 has been and always will be my favorite YouTuber.  She's just so smart and adorable and I can't get enough of her accent!)


• Shot the breeze with my father in law for a bit when he came home from work with a Christmas tree.  Talked about tattoos.


• Chatted with JD on his way home from work about one another's day, about what I talked about with Rubi and about the prospect of going to sit through another session of tattooing this weekend.  So gonna happen, I hope!


• JD came home and we ate a slice of pizza together and watched Mythbusters.


• Finished both Etsy orders and packed them up to ship out. (I swear, these Pokeball hats are just crazy!  13 in a week and a half!)


• Rested my super sore hands for a bit while I messed around online.  Caught up with all my blogs and stuff.


• Rode my exercise bike for 60 minutes.


• Watched an episode of Doc Martin while riding the bike.


• Took a nice hot shower.


• Did this bulletin thing.


• And now I shall take my medicine and read until sleepytime.  Perhaps listen to an audiobook if actual reading doesn't relax me enough to fall asleep.

(I didn't journal today, a normally essential part of my day, because of how friggin' sore my hands are.  Typing this is bad enough.  I'll probably regret not journaling tomorrow.)

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

10 Songs on My iPod:

I don't keep many songs on my iPhone, but here we go.

1. Alanis Morissette - No Apologies
2. Motion City Soundtrack - Resolution
3. Coheed & Cambria - Mother Superior
4. Hanson - Madeline
5. Merril Bainbridge - Being Boring
6. Hanson - Soldier
7. Barenaked Ladies - Light Up My Room
8. Ziggy Marley - Give A Little Love
9. Savage Garden - The Animal Song
10. Common Market - House

30 Day Challenge - Day 10

My First Love & First Kiss:

They both came from the same man, my wonderful JD.  You can read about how we started out here.

Our first kiss was on Easter Sunday of 2000.  I was so nervous about kissing him that we were together for six months before it ever happened.  I went to his house (now our house) for the first time that day, so not only was I stressing out about meeting his family for the first time, but I was still all nervous and giddy just being around him.

After we sat around and talked with his parents for a while and his mom gave me an Easter Basket we went back to his bedroom and he literally tackled me on the bed and kissed me.  After that, things went pretty fast!  Haha!

I'll never forget that day, or that kiss.

30 Day Challenge - Day 9

What I Hope My Future Will Be Like:

(The way this question is phrased in the picture makes my eyes bleed.)

I pretty much already covered this on Day 2.  I hope that I will be healthy, happy in love and life, and that I'll have accomplished my literary goals.

I hope that JD and I will have a nice, peaceful life together wherein we are both fulfilled and happy.  I hope that he will have found a career that he's more than just satisfied with and that we're even more financially stable than we are now.  I hope that our house is decorated with things I chose and is a serene sanctuary for the both of us.  I hope he can come home from work everyday to a nice hot meal I made, relax and enjoy each other's company and live relatively stress free.

I hope that there will be great leaps in both the treatment of HIV and bipolar disorder.  I hope that the fear of developing AIDS will be the last thing I have to worry about, and that I will have found a successful way to cope with my mental illness, be it through medication or therapy.

I hope that I will have finished my tattooing and feel complete in my physical appearance.  I hope to have sculpted my body to look how I want it to, and that I'll have found peace with my body.  Same for JD.

I hope to have become a successful author.  I hope to have told my story through my memoirs and to have touched at least one person's life with them.  I hope to write a series of novels and some short stories.

Basically, I hope for peace and balance in my life.

30 Day Challenge - Day 8

A Moment I Felt The Most Satisfied With My Life:

I feel satisfied with my life right now, actually.  It's taken me a long time to reach this point.  The hardest thing I've ever done was to learn to accept that my life wasn't going to be like everyone else's and to just be happy with the life I've got.

I'm happy with my lover, my dog, my writing and my hobbies.  I always thought I would have to have a big high powered career to be happy, but since my path doesn't go that way I've been amazed to learn that I'm happy to be a housewife.  I enjoy staying home and making dinners and doing all the wifely duties.  Sure, I struggle a great deal with feeling like I'm a burden because I can't work and contribute financially to my partnership, but disability helps make it easier.

At first I hated being disabled, but in time I've learned that it's nothing to be ashamed of.  It just is what it is and there's nothing wrong with taking help when you truly need it.

Sure, I still dream about being a criminal profiler who writes crime novels on the side, but honestly, I can still write.  I can still achieve my lifelong and most important goal of being a successful writer.  That is not out of my grasp by any means, in fact, by having my schedule all my own it's even more attainable.  It's just a matter of getting the work finished to publish.  ;D  I know I will not be happy with my life unless I master that task simply because I don't want to die without leaving a legacy.  That's my biggest fear in life - to die and leave nothing behind.

Until then though, I have learned to find happiness in my simple daily life but still hold onto those dreams and keep working toward them.  I have a man who loves me heart and soul, the best health I've had in my entire life, a roof over my head and food in my mouth, things I sincerely enjoy devoting my time to, a snuggly puppy and a pokey hedgehog and people who care about me.  Things could definitely be worse.  :)

30 Day Challenge - Day 7

My Astrological Sign & If I Think It Applies To Me:

I'm a Scorpio and for the most part I think it applies to me.  (I'm using this site as a general overview.) I am passionate, loyal, resourceful and dynamic.  I am also obsessive and unyielding.  I can be jealous, but not overly so and I can be manipulative when I want to be.  Scorpios are very moody and independent and that's me, most definitely, and I most certainly enjoy being alone (not when it comes to my lover, but in general in my life).

I don't know how much I really do believe in astrology though, because I think everyone can see themselves in every sign.  It's one of those things that people click to because it's such a vast overview of human personalities that of course it's going to make sense somewhere along the line, but I overall I think my sign describes me decently well.