Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

I remember you today. I wish though, that I could remember you healthy instead of only vague memories of you during your battle. I wish I could remember the scent of your hair or the sound of your laugh. I wish even more I could remember your love.

On days like today, I try to imagine what you would look like. Would you still be the skinny, petite little thing you were? Would your hair be grey? I am most certain you would still have your sparkling crystal blue eyes and a smile that spreads through everyone around you. Those things could never fade with age.

I cannot even begin to imagine what the last years of your life were like. What must have been going through your head and what fears you had to face. You were so strong and always so beautiful. Through it all, you never lost your grace. Just as you were throughout your life - a kind, loving, genuine soul who never ceased to find a reason to smile - you were so in death. You fought long and extremely hard to stay here for me and Cody. You refused to let go until you were assured we would be safe, loved and well cared for. I can only hope that I will be as valiant and elegant in my own battle.

I wonder what you would think of your daughter today. I know, at the end of your life, you probably had little hope that I was not going to follow you soon after. Back then, there was not much hope for someone like me, like us. I bet you would be surprised that I have lived and thrived for 18 years since and I have no doubt that you would be thrilled.

Would you be proud of the woman I have become? I'm sure there would be things you'd wish I'd done differently or made different choices in, but I hope that overall you would be proud to call me your daughter. I hope too that you would love the man I've chosen just as much as I do and that you would be pleased to call him your son.

It breaks my heart when I think of all the things we have missed out on in each other's lives. Mostly, it's the little things, like not being able to come to you for advice and a mothers hug, or not having you there to support me in the milestones of my life. I hate the most that I do not know that feeling of a mother's love. I have no comprehension of what a mother/daughter relationship is truly like and for that, I feel supremely robbed.

For my entire life, I have felt a deep sense of loneliness that I have only recently realized comes from your absence. I would never blame you, for I know you were just as much a victim of life's cruelty as I was. Only, you feel no pain now.

If I could have one true wish in life, I would wish to know, to remember, that feeling. I think my soul would be more complete if I could. Sometimes the pain from that wish takes the breath from my lungs. Every day, I feel the emptiness. Of all that I have lost in my life, I think that is the most important thing. The one thing that trumps all others - not knowing a mother's love.

I wish too, that I could know you. Truly know you. I have been told a great deal about you, but I was never allowed the chance to know you myself. I want to know who you were. What your dreams were. Your regrets. I wish you could tell me stories of your life. Of your first kiss, your biggest fears and funniest moments. I would like to know all about your life's adventures. You only lived for 37 years, but I wish you could recount those years for me in your own words. There's so much about you I do not know.

I would be delighted to hear all about you and Dad's love story. All the ups and downs included because I know there were a great deal of both. I have and treasure a box of your letters to each other and it always lifts my heart to read of your love, so I can only imagine the joy of hearing it from you. I do not know if you two would still be together today, but I do know I would enjoy nothing more than to hear of my parents' romance.

I'd also like to be told of your childhood, your teen years and your first marriage. I'd want to know of both my brothers who have never been in my life. I'd ask you what it was like to lose, to leave, your children. I know it was your one true regret in life, what happened with Sonny and Daniel. I wish I could tell you that you're forgiven and ease that burden in your heart, but I cannot speak for them, only for myself. I can only assure you that I have, but I wish I knew the full, true story.

Momma, I miss you. I miss you and I need you more than I can even put words to. I wish we had more time. Hell, I wish we could have even one more day. Today I remember you and despite all the pain inside of me, I am joyous to have come from you. Thank you for giving me life and for loving me, if for only seven years. I miss you and love you endlessly.