Messages From Myself To Myself

It feels like it's been a very long time since I updated this blog, yet I still feel like I have very little to say to the wide world of the internet.  I'm not sure what the world wants to hear, or if I even want to say much of anything right now.  This happens when I'm on an upswing -- when I'm manic (generally, if I'm manic I cannot write because I cannot concentrate), or even just on a semi-even happy keel -- I lose my ability to create.  I suppose that's the trade off, be happy and dried up creatively, or be mad and produce.  I hate that more than I can even express, even when I can write.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy times like this.  It seems like it's the only time I can be happy with being mediocre, average -- simple.  I find joy in cooking and cleaning and reading and crocheting.  I enjoy doing all my homemaker wifely duties and don't look for much outside of that.  Until I lay down at night and then I remember my real goals and I feel like a failure for every day I didn't accomplish them.

It's like this struggle between wanting to be able to just find contentment in those small things and just enjoy my life without all these grandiose ideals, but at the same time I go to bed each night feeling like a failure because I am one day farther away from achieving the things I think I need to do to be successful.  Is it really so ridiculous to have goals beyond just being a happy housewife?  I suppose it only is when you allow your goals to hurt you more than they help you...

I desperately need to find a happy medium in being the happy housewife (which I really do enjoy) and achieving my writing goals.  I think a great part of it is that I still haven't learned to accept that my muses come and go with the tides of my bipolar disorder.  I am never going to be able to create every single day for the rest of my life like I seem to think I must.  Just like all things in my life, it's a cycle, and just because I may not write like other writers, I am still a writer.  Telling myself otherwise and pushing myself against immovable walls is untrue and gets me nowhere near success.

Welcome to the constant tug-of-war of my mind, and this is only in one small area.  Ha!