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| Thaddeus and I have both been hiding in our homes lately. |
As a side note, I'd really appreciate it if you could take the time to vote for #10 - Thaddeus Otto in the Hedgehog Summer Photo Contest. He has been through a lot lately and could really use a new wheel. Thank you very, very much.
Well, crap. It's been quite a while since I made an update for you all. I guess I've just really felt aversion to sharing my life so intimately online anymore. Sure, I use Tumblr, but 99% of my posts are completely impersonal and usually just photos of hedgehogs and other cute animals. Heh. I suppose I do owe you guys an update though, and I always appreciate that you care enough to read, so here I am on this beautiful Saturday evening. :)
Things have been moving along here, in many aspects. My wonderful in laws FINALLY got their house in Oklahoma, so everyone is super happy about that. Things should start changing around here pretty quickly and I know I'm not the only one who's excited! We're all happy to be getting back our own space and to no longer be in legal limbo about the whole thing. We will miss each other, obviously, but we're all ready for the change.
I've been battling a mite outbreak in my hedgehog Thaddeus, so that was a giant pain in the ass, to say the least. I went to sleep worrying about him every single night. Thankfully, he got on a Revolution regimen and I think we've finally gotten them under control. He lost a LOT of quills, becoming completely bald in one spot about the size of a quarter, but he's doing MUCH better now. In fact, he's snuggling in my lap right now, and I can't tell you how much I've missed that through this whole ordeal. He's my sweet little man!
Mentally, I have been doing much better over the last couple of weeks. My depression had gotten so severe that I was beginning to think really awful thoughts, so I knew that if I didn't do something to make it better I could possibly end up falling back into old habits or maybe even end up doing something really stupid.
From my Tumblr post:
After talking to my best friend yesterday, I realized that it was time for me to start making some changes in my every day life. It’s obvious that I’m on the depressed side of my bipolar cycle, and even if there isn’t much I can do about my mental illness, I can work as hard as I can to succeed in spite of it.
I’ve been bipolar for at least 14 years now (officially diagnosed in 2003, but I’ve had symptoms since at least age 12) so this isn’t a new realization. In fact, it’s quite a common, reoccurring one. It usually happens when I’ve been depressed for so long that life starts to feel monotonous and pointless to me. When I start to feel that if I don’t do something to make life livable again I just might lose the battle entirely.
I sat down last night and decided that I will do these things daily. No matter how shitty I feel.
- Journal. I usually do this anyway, but without fail.
- Exercise for at least an hour.
- Write. I’m sick of waiting for inspiration to strike me and of beating myself up that my writing is nothing but shit, when I know in fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome. I will write every day, even if it’s just a paragraph. Something is better than nothing.
- Read. Reading as always been completely essential to my mental stability. If I don’t read, I start to feel trapped and suffocated in my life. Reading is my ultimate escape.
- Meditate. And if time/privacy allows, set up my altar and do a ritual for Deity. It’s so important for me to feel that connection every day. It keeps me centered.
- Spend quality time with my pets. My dog and my hedgehog have always been a major life saver for me. There have been times where the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I knew that there would be no one who could take care of my hogs. They make me happy and remind me that life is sacred.
- Devote time to my hobbies, be that crochet (which I’ve not done for a while due to pain in my hands), World of Warcraft or some other video game, playing guitar, sketching (which I royally suck at, but enjoy doing sometimes =D), or watching silly shows on Netflix. Whatever hobby I’m particularly interested in at the time.
Doing these things every day make me a happier, more well-rounded, balanced person. They may seem like simple things to do each day, but when depression makes everything hard, or time seems to fly in our busy lives, it’s easy to lose touch with what makes you truly happy.
I only have this one life and who knows how much time any of us have. I’ll be damned if depression is going to make me miss out on any more of it.
I know it's been a while since I updated this thing. I have thought about doing it every single day and every time I've sat down to do it, I just can't find the words.
I am still struggling so much with all this belly weight I've gained due to my medication. I've been depressed, had no desire to even leave my house, and just felt really shitty in general, but I think I may be on the right track to getting it under control and hopefully reversing it.
When I saw my doctor last, she was blown away by the amount of weight I had gained in just three months - 30+ lbs. I weight more than I ever have in my entire life, and it's all in my stomach and breasts. I honestly look like I'm pregnant. Anyway, she measured my waist and my hips. It's abnormal to have a larger waist, and of course, mine is much larger than my hips.
We discussed my options at great length and rather than stopping my medication completely (which is an option when you've been undetectable for a while, but I was scared to do it because I didn't want to build resistance to the only medications I am not resistant to already at this point), we decided that since I am still undetectable I could stop the Norvir, the main culprit of the lipo. The hope is that by stopping the Norvir I will not gain any more belly weight, but it will not reverse the fat that I've already developed. She also submitted my measurements and had me fill out a bunch of paperwork so that I can hopefully be approved for the newly developed drug, Egrifta, that will get rid of the fat I have now.
Egrifta is a subcutaneous hormone injection I'll have to give myself in my abdomen daily. Yeah, not fun, but at this point, I am willing to do whatever I have to do. I have my fears about it (keeping things completely sterile, how I could possibly react to it, disposal of needles, possible long term side effects that are unknown right now (cancer, heart problems) etc.), but overall I'm ready to try it. From everything I've read about the medication, patients who're on Egrifta have had amazing results, so I'm exceptionally hopeful.
I will probably have to have a CAT Scan so my insurance will approve it. Basically, the fat developed is not merely on the surface, under the skin, like most people gain weight, it's actually INSIDE my abdomen putting pressure on all my organs. This explains why I've been so physically uncomfortable and had acid reflux. It's not only a mentally harmful thing, as up until this point I had perceived it as. It's physical as well, which is why it's important to treat it. The CAT Scan will prove that the fat is inside me, showing Medicaid that I truly need the Egrifta.
It's quite upsetting knowing that it's physically harming me as well as mentally, but it also makes me feel a lot less guilty for going to such an extreme measure, a daily injection, to get rid of it. I've struggled a lot with feeling vain and stupid for being so torn up over this whole thing. That I should be grateful that I'm healthy (which I am) and just accept that this is the way I will be from now on, so knowing that it's actually detrimental to my bodily health makes me feel less awful for wanting to do whatever I have to do to be rid of it.
Also, I have high cholesterol because of it. 26 years old and high cholesterol... =/ Basically, I have to keep exercising and hope that I get approved, so here's to keeping my fingers crossed.
There is good news though, through all of this! My latest t-cell count (the cells in your body that fight off illness. The HIV virus attacks and kills these cells making you susceptible to all sorts of nasty things) came back at 723! That is like, insanely good. A HIV+ person who has 600 t-cells is considered "very good", so you can imagine how exciting it is to have them above 700. Normally, I range between 500-600, and I don't remember a time in my life that they have been this high. For all the grief that these medications have given me over the last few months, they also have me healthier than I've probably ever been. =D
Aside from all this medication drama, I have been working really hard to find balance in my life. Being bipolar, this is quite a request, but I'm trying. I've made it a point to dedicate time every day for journaling, reading, working out, playing games and all the other things that make me happy and feel well rounded. I've found it's really important for me to put myself on a relatively strict routine for these things to feel more stable and so far it's been working quite well.
Spiritually, I've grown so, so much and am extremely happy. I have found a sense of peace I've desperately needed, confidence and the power of myself that's been inside me my whole life but I've been oblivious to until now. I feel like my heart has grown in size since becoming more in tune with my spirituality. It's an amazing feeling. :) Also, learning to meditate has been fantastic for my anxiety, stress management, and just learning to listen to the Universe in general.
Well, thank you for reading all of this, if you made it through, and for your continued love and support. I appreciate and love each and every one of you.
Remember, love is.
In that first year I lost approximately 8 inches of length. Crazy shrinking dreadlocks!
At the time, I loved them, but was very self conscious about the "rat's nest" on my head. For the first time in my life, I maintained patience and worked through it and it only got better from then on out.
I finally began to see a bit of length along the 20 month mark or so and they finally started to look like real dreads! It was quite exciting!
I actually really liked their length in the top photo, but I have always been anxious to have waist length dreads! Slooooooowly!
I could finally pull it up into a giant dreadbun and now it's pretty much the only way I wear my hair. I have made a promise to myself though, to start wearing them down more this year. What's the point of having awesome head ropes of they're always pulled up?!
I know they will only continue to get better and better from here on our and I'm so excited to stay on this ride. Sure, it's only hair, but it's awesome hair! =D
To see my entire dreadlocking journey, please check out my Flickr Collection.
Hi everyone! I am still alive and I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just haven't really felt like saying much lately. It's been a really busy month, with both tragedy and blessings. Life is both a beautiful and a cruel thing, but that's what makes it worth living I suppose.
I wish I could write something creative and profound here today, but I can't. I've been under this cloud of depression for so long that the fogginess has really impacted my concentration and my creativity. Hopefully it will end soon, but until then I'll just leave you with a bullet list of what's new in my life lately.
Today marks 19 years since my mother died.
Sometimes it seems like it's been that long, but mostly I can't believe it has.
I miss her more now than I ever did as a child. I'm not quite sure why, but I think part of is has to do with living with my in laws. I grew up with my aunt, which was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't really around that mother type relationship. After seeing the way my mother in law treats her boys has made me see what that type of relationship is like. I am so thankful that my JD has that with his mom, but I cannot lie, it makes me miss my own mother very, very much.
Also, it seems like as I've gotten older I need her more than ever before. I wish I had her to commiserate with and give me those motherly hugs and support that no one else can give. I wish I had her advice on pretty much every single aspect of my life.
I wish so much that I knew what that relationship is like. I think, for the first time in my life, I'm mourning the loss of that bond. Of course, I missed her very much growing up, but I never gave as much thought to her absence as I do now. Perhaps it's because I'm of child bearing age myself (no kids for me though, ever) or something along those lines, but I really, really wish I had her in my life.
I feel robbed that I don't know that relationship. That I don't have her to hug and lean on and treasure. That we missed out on so much of one another's lives. I know that I would be a much different person if she were here - probably a more balanced and soft person, less guarded and more tender, but I also know that the relationship I grieve for now would most likely not be the one I dream of. There would be our fair share of resentment and tension as all mother/daughter relationships have, but still, I miss that and I'm so angry that I don't have the chance to have that too. The good and the bad, all of it.
I miss her and I need her. Nineteen years she's been gone... Nineteen years... I can hardly believe it.
October - December 2010
