Still Alive

 

Hi everyone!  I am still alive and I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just haven't really felt like saying much lately.  It's been a really busy month, with both tragedy and blessings.  Life is both a beautiful and a cruel thing, but that's what makes it worth living I suppose.

I wish I could write something creative and profound here today, but I can't.  I've been under this cloud of depression for so long that the fogginess has really impacted my concentration and my creativity.  Hopefully it will end soon, but until then I'll just leave you with a bullet list of what's new in my life lately.

• I got my vertical labret pierced on February 18.  I absolutely love it and the healing has been a breeze.  I just can't wait to put in smaller jewelry.


• We went to Mardi Gras in Galveston yesterday.  I had never been before and despite how awful I am in crowds I had a really good time.


• I've been reading and playing WoW a lot lately.  They're my best escapes from my own mind, so yay for that!  :)


• I am still struggling so, so much with this weight gain from my medications.  I swear, I have never felt so awful about myself as I did at Mardi Gras yesterday.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to come to terms with this.  I feel so stupid that something so trivial has negatively impacted me so much, but I just can't help it.


• That's another reason I haven't posted anything in so long, because all I have to open up about lately are things like this, and I don't want to be a downer all the time.  =/


• I've taken a break from crocheting and my Etsy shop for a while.  My hands and back were very angry at me for all the work I was putting them through and having that little bit of extra spending money is just not worth it right now.


• I have become addicted to coffee for the first time in my life.  I occasionally drank it as a kid, but I never really liked it all that much, but here recently I want it all the time.  It helps with my headaches and just generally improves my mood.  Plus, it's really yummy!  =D


• My dreads are coming up on their 4 year birthday (March 5) and man are they getting long!  They're always getting stuck when I sit down and stuff and love to fall right in my food when I'm eating, but I still love them so much.  They're finally the dreads I always hoped for and are one thing I am always confident in about myself.  I just love being dreadlocked!


• I have been extremely grateful  for my JD lately.  More so than usual anyway.  Even after 11+ years together he still gives me butterflies.  He's always so supportive and reassuring.  Even with me feeling so completely awful about myself lately he always manages to make me feel both sexy and beautiful.  I am so thankful that such a wonderful man loves me despite it all and that even after all this time we can find new things to love about each other.  Truly, I feel like I love and appreciate him more and more every day.  Just when I think I can't love him anymore I find out that I can.  <3

I guess that's really all I have to say at the moment.  Thank you guys for always reading and supporting me.  I hope to have written something more eloquent soon.  I'm just trying so hard to find my way right now and I thank you for bearing with me.

19 Years

Today marks 19 years since my mother died.

Sometimes it seems like it's been that long, but mostly I can't believe it has.

I miss her more now than I ever did as a child.  I'm not quite sure why, but I think part of is has to do with living with my in laws.  I grew up with my aunt, which was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't really around that mother type relationship.  After seeing the way my mother in law treats her boys has made me see what that type of relationship is like.  I am so thankful that my JD has that with his mom, but I cannot lie, it makes me miss my own mother very, very much.

Also, it seems like as I've gotten older I need her more than ever before.  I wish I had her to commiserate with and give me those motherly hugs and support that no one else can give.  I wish I had her advice on pretty much every single aspect of my life.

I wish so much that I knew what that relationship is like.  I think, for the first time in my life, I'm mourning the loss of that bond.  Of course, I missed her very much growing up, but I never gave as much thought to her absence as I do now.  Perhaps it's because I'm of child bearing age myself (no kids for me though, ever) or something along those lines, but I really, really wish I had her in my life.

I feel robbed that I don't know that relationship.  That I don't have her to hug and lean on and treasure.  That we missed out on so much of one another's lives.  I know that I would be a much different person if she were here - probably a more balanced and soft person, less guarded and more tender, but I also know that the relationship I grieve for now would most likely not be the one I dream of.  There would be our fair share of resentment and tension as all mother/daughter relationships have, but still, I miss that and I'm so angry that I don't have the chance to have that too.  The good and the bad, all of it.

I miss her and I need her.  Nineteen years she's been gone... Nineteen years...  I can hardly believe it.