Hi everyone! I am still alive and I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just haven't really felt like saying much lately. It's been a really busy month, with both tragedy and blessings. Life is both a beautiful and a cruel thing, but that's what makes it worth living I suppose.
I wish I could write something creative and profound here today, but I can't. I've been under this cloud of depression for so long that the fogginess has really impacted my concentration and my creativity. Hopefully it will end soon, but until then I'll just leave you with a bullet list of what's new in my life lately.
- I got my vertical labret pierced on February 18. I absolutely love it and the healing has been a breeze. I just can't wait to put in smaller jewelry.
- We went to Mardi Gras in Galveston yesterday. I had never been before and despite how awful I am in crowds I had a really good time.
- I've been reading and playing WoW a lot lately. They're my best escapes from my own mind, so yay for that! :)
- I am still struggling so, so much with this weight gain from my medications. I swear, I have never felt so awful about myself as I did at Mardi Gras yesterday. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come to terms with this. I feel so stupid that something so trivial has negatively impacted me so much, but I just can't help it.
- That's another reason I haven't posted anything in so long, because all I have to open up about lately are things like this, and I don't want to be a downer all the time. =/
- I've taken a break from crocheting and my Etsy shop for a while. My hands and back were very angry at me for all the work I was putting them through and having that little bit of extra spending money is just not worth it right now.
- I have become addicted to coffee for the first time in my life. I occasionally drank it as a kid, but I never really liked it all that much, but here recently I want it all the time. It helps with my headaches and just generally improves my mood. Plus, it's really yummy! =D
- My dreads are coming up on their 4 year birthday (March 5) and man are they getting long! They're always getting stuck when I sit down and stuff and love to fall right in my food when I'm eating, but I still love them so much. They're finally the dreads I always hoped for and are one thing I am always confident in about myself. I just love being dreadlocked!
- I have been extremely grateful for my JD lately. More so than usual anyway. Even after 11+ years together he still gives me butterflies. He's always so supportive and reassuring. Even with me feeling so completely awful about myself lately he always manages to make me feel both sexy and beautiful. I am so thankful that such a wonderful man loves me despite it all and that even after all this time we can find new things to love about each other. Truly, I feel like I love and appreciate him more and more every day. Just when I think I can't love him anymore I find out that I can. <3
I guess that's really all I have to say at the moment. Thank you guys for always reading and supporting me. I hope to have written something more eloquent soon. I'm just trying so hard to find my way right now and I thank you for bearing with me.
your new hole looks fabulous! I've been thinking about you the past month, hoping that you'd update again. I'm so glad you have JD to hold you up during tough times. My bf and I recently split, and I am in the process of getting him to move out. Despite the stress, this break and separation will be very healthy for me in the end.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the drugs that I am on to control my mental disorders have caused me to gain seventy pounds in the past year and a half. It got to a point where I was gaining ten pounds a month, no matter what I did. After cutting one of the medications down a bit, going gluten free, and drinking a million times more water, I've managed to stop *gaining* weight, but I haven't lost any in three months. I look ridiculous, as all of the weight gain is in my stomach, back, and neck. Only about ten or so pounds I've gained have gone to my thighs/hips/upper arms, and I've been asked if I'm pregnant a million times. It's so frustrating, and especially now that I'm going to be looking for new friends/lovers once my ex moves out I'm feeling even more anxious about it. I don't have anything really helpful to say about the whole thing; just wanted to commiserate. :)
My dreads are getting longer, slowly but surely. The roots are looping like crazy, which is basically backward from how dreads usually loop... and I'm thinking about putting some color in my hair for the first time in my life.
I'm currently unemployed (again), and actually just applied for disability, but am severely disheartened about that as well, because I was told that everyone gets denied unless you pay someone to represent you, and I live in Wisconsin, so the recent budget fiasco with Walker means that social security and disability could suffer drastically.
TL;DR I look at you as an amazing, beautiful, and inspiring woman, and I wish you peace and love through your trials. :D
First of all, sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I am quite lucky to have JD, that's for sure. I don't know what I would do without him. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Things always work out for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it at first.
Oh man, I totally feel you on the weight gain issue. I haven't gained as much as you, but I know how frustrating it is to lose control like that. It's such, such an awful feeling. =/
Ugh, I definitely understand about the disability process. I was denied for SSI three times before I finally got a lawyer and was approved. It's such a depressing and difficult process, but it is definitely worth it in the end. I had to pay my lawyer, but it came directly out of my back pay, so it wasn't like I missed the money too much because I never really had access to it. Good luck with that, if you've decided to proceed with the application process.
Major love to you! <3