Medication Drama & More

I know it's been a while since I updated this thing.  I have thought about doing it every single day and every time I've sat down to do it, I just can't find the words.

I am still struggling so much with all this belly weight I've gained due to my medication.  I've been depressed, had no desire to even leave my house, and just felt really shitty in general, but I think I may be on the right track to getting it under control and hopefully reversing it.

When I saw my doctor last, she was blown away by the amount of weight I had gained in just three months - 30+ lbs.  I weight more than I ever have in my entire life, and it's all in my stomach and breasts.  I honestly look like I'm pregnant.  Anyway, she measured my waist and my hips.  It's abnormal to have a larger waist, and of course, mine is much larger than my hips.

We discussed my options at great length and rather than stopping my medication completely (which is an option when you've been undetectable for a while, but I was scared to do it because I didn't want to build resistance to the only medications I am not resistant to already at this point), we decided that since I am still undetectable I could stop the Norvir, the main culprit of the lipo.  The hope is that by stopping the Norvir I will not gain any more belly weight, but it will not reverse the fat that I've already developed.  She also submitted my measurements and had me fill out a bunch of paperwork so that I can hopefully be approved for the newly developed drug, Egrifta, that will get rid of the fat I have now.

Egrifta is a subcutaneous hormone injection I'll have to give myself in my abdomen daily.  Yeah, not fun, but at this point, I am willing to do whatever I have to do.  I have my fears about it (keeping things completely sterile, how I could possibly react to it, disposal of needles, possible long term side effects that are unknown right now (cancer, heart problems) etc.), but overall I'm ready to try it.  From everything I've read about the medication, patients who're on Egrifta have had amazing results, so I'm exceptionally hopeful.

I will probably have to have a CAT Scan so my insurance will approve it.  Basically, the fat developed is not merely on the surface, under the skin, like most people gain weight, it's actually INSIDE my abdomen putting pressure on all my organs.  This explains why I've been so physically uncomfortable and had acid reflux.  It's not only a mentally harmful thing, as up until this point I had perceived it as.  It's physical as well, which is why it's important to treat it.  The CAT Scan will prove that the fat is inside me, showing Medicaid that I truly need the Egrifta.

It's quite upsetting knowing that it's physically harming me as well as mentally, but it also makes me feel a lot less guilty for going to such an extreme measure, a daily injection, to get rid of it.  I've struggled a lot with feeling vain and stupid for being so torn up over this whole thing.  That I should be grateful that I'm healthy (which I am) and just accept that this is the way I will be from now on, so knowing that it's actually detrimental to my bodily health makes me feel less awful for wanting to do whatever I have to do to be rid of it.

Also, I have high cholesterol because of it.  26 years old and high cholesterol... =/  Basically, I have to keep exercising and hope that I get approved, so here's to keeping my fingers crossed.

There is good news though, through all of this!  My latest t-cell count (the cells in your body that fight off illness.  The HIV virus attacks and kills these cells making you susceptible to all sorts of nasty things) came back at 723!  That is like, insanely good.  A HIV+ person who has 600 t-cells is considered "very good", so you can imagine how exciting it is to have them above 700.  Normally, I range between 500-600, and I don't remember a time in my life that they have been this high.  For all the grief that these medications have given me over the last few months, they also have me healthier than I've probably ever been.  =D

Aside from all this medication drama, I have been working really hard to find balance in my life.  Being bipolar, this is quite a request, but I'm trying.  I've made it a point to dedicate time every day for journaling, reading, working out, playing games and all the other things that make me happy and feel well rounded.  I've found it's really important for me to put myself on a relatively strict routine for these things to feel more stable and so far it's been working quite well.

Spiritually, I've grown so, so much and am extremely happy.  I have found a sense of peace I've desperately needed, confidence and the power of myself that's been inside me my whole life but I've been oblivious to until now.  I feel like my heart has grown in size since becoming more in tune with my spirituality.  It's an amazing feeling.  :)  Also, learning to meditate has been fantastic for my anxiety, stress management, and just learning to listen to the Universe in general.

Well, thank you for reading all of this, if you made it through, and for your continued love and support.  I appreciate and love each and every one of you.

Remember, love is.