I've Moved!

What's up, everyone?  I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger because I was getting a GIANT influx of spam comments over at Wordpress.  Even with spam blockers it was getting ridiculous.  It was affecting my ability to tell when I was actually getting REAL comments.  So anyway, here I am, using Blogger.  Obviously, the URL has stayed the same, so this is probably no big deal for you.  =]

Anyway, I have a few things to update about.  Nothing exciting, really, but I suppose I'll bore you anyway. ;]

Unfortunately, I was not approved for the Egrifta.  It's actually pretty damn stupid because they said I was, that the medication was going to be delivered to my house and then it just never showed up.  I called the Axis Center and low behold it was voided because I wasn't approved.  WTF?  Apparently, Medicaid won't cover it and I can't qualify for patient assistance because I have Medicaid.  Whatever.

At first, I was completely devastated, but now I'm actually at peace with the whole thing.  I'm sure, if I really looked I could find a program to help me get the medication, but honestly, at this point I feel like it's the Universe's way of telling me that I need to learn to truly love myself and not rely on some "miracle drug" to do it for me.

Yes, it is a matter of physical comfort as well as emotional, but this whole lipo thing has turned my life upside down for months now.  Before this, I never had any issues with self confidence or my appearance.  I never thought I was particularly beautiful, but I didn't think I was ugly either.  I was just content with it all.  Since developing the lipo I have completely lost touch with all of that.  I was feeling completely detached from my body - like the body myself and everyone else was seeing wasn't actually me.  It was almost like looking down at myself and having absolutely no recognition of who that person was.

Also, it has affected much, much more than just my body image.  Being bipolar, I struggle with voices inside my head (not voices that tell me to kill you or anything) and since the lipo they have gotten so much louder and meaner.  I have a hard time having conversations with other people because I just hear the noise inside my head telling me that I'm stupid, no one cares what I have to say, that I'm nothing less than completely annoying and that everyone just wishes I would piss off.  Because of this, I have been increasingly antisocial (which I already am, to an extent) and I honestly have no desire whatsoever to even leave my house.

It has gotten completely out of control, so when I found out I wasn't going to get the Egrifta it was like a lightbulb went off that it's time to start to find peace within myself and my appearance again.  It's funny, because I am one of the most body positive people you'll ever meet, but lately I haven't applied that to myself and it's awful.  It's going to be an uphill battle, believe me, I know, but I'm ready to do it.  I really am, so wish me luck.  =]

I have gotten off of all protease inhibitors though (they're the medications that cause the lipodystrophy), so hopefully it will halt the progression.  I started a new medication called Intelence a little over a week ago and while I'm still adjusting to it, it's going well so far.  The previous combination of medications was working really well, but I just couldn't handle the weight gain anymore, so hopefully this combo will be even better!

I'm working hard to be good to myself both physically and mentally.  That's much more of a challenge for me than it may seem, but I'm really trying.  Here's to getting there!

My Life is a Medical Drama...

I went to the doctor today.

We decided that since I'm still gaining weight and developing the big chin and the hump on my back we would try eliminating the last protease inhibitor from my regimen.  She thinks that the medication that's mostly responsible for my good blood work is the Selzentry, so we're leaving that in, removing the Reyataz and replacing it with another drug called Intelence.

It falls into a group of drugs that I had an allergic reaction to in the past, so it's possible I could react to this one as well, but we thought it was worth a try because if it doesn't work I can always go back on the Reyataz.

I'm nervous about possibly developing ANOTHER rash from an allergic reaction (this would be like the 5th in the last 12 months), but I know I cannot handle this belly weight anymore and my doctor seems confident that this could work for me.

You have to understand, the fat in my belly is not merely on the surface.  It's actually INSIDE my abdomen, putting pressure on my organs, giving me near constant acid reflux and I am uncomfortable all of the time.  I bend over, I can't breathe.  I lay on my stomach, I can't breathe.  Oh, and yoga is exceptionally uncomfortable in positions where it smooshes my belly.  It's not just a vanity thing.

Oh, also, I have not had a period since FEBRUARY and it's because of the weight gain.  Just like the excess fat deposits can cause one to become insulin resistant, it can cause one to become estrogen resistant.  Awesome.

We discussed the Egrifta approval again and since neither of us had heard from the Axis Center in a while, she called for me to try to get the ball rolling.  I had called the pharmacy that was supposed to be filling the prescription on Friday and they said they were still waiting for approval from my insurance.  When my doctor called today they said they were waiting on proof of income from me which they NEVER asked for, so JD is going to fax it to them tomorrow.  Ugh, gotta love red tape!

Anyway, hopefully I will get the Egrifa injections soon and this change in meds will work for me as well.

I am so thankful for how well the meds are working against the virus, but I am just so miserable physically and with my appearance.  I just want my body back.

I was just telling my doctor, it's funny because for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'm able to exercise on a regular basis.  Sure, I'm not training for a triathlon or anything, but it's more than I've ever been able to endure before, but I am the fattest I've ever been in my life.

Bah.  I'm just ready to get past all this and find a way for me to live LONG and HAPPY, together.  I don't think it's fair that I should have to choose between the two.

Life As It Is.

 

Well, crap.  It's been quite a while since I made an update for you all.  I guess I've just really felt aversion to sharing my life so intimately online anymore.  Sure, I use Tumblr, but 99% of my posts are completely impersonal and usually just photos of hedgehogs and other cute animals.  Heh.  I suppose I do owe you guys an update though, and I always appreciate that you care enough to read, so here I am on this beautiful Saturday evening.  :)

Things have been moving along here, in many aspects.  My wonderful in laws FINALLY got their house in Oklahoma, so everyone is super happy about that.  Things should start changing around here pretty quickly and I know I'm not the only one who's excited!  We're all happy to be getting back our own space and to no longer be in legal limbo about the whole thing.  We will miss each other, obviously, but we're all ready for the change.

I've been battling a mite outbreak in my hedgehog Thaddeus, so that was a giant pain in the ass, to say the least.  I went to sleep worrying about him every single night.  Thankfully, he got on a Revolution regimen and I think we've finally gotten them under control.  He lost a LOT of quills, becoming completely bald in one spot about the size of a quarter, but he's doing MUCH better now.  In fact, he's snuggling in my lap right now, and I can't tell you how much I've missed that through this whole ordeal.  He's my sweet little man!

Mentally, I have been doing much better over the last couple of weeks.  My depression had gotten so severe that I was beginning to think really awful thoughts, so I knew that if I didn't do something to make it better I could possibly end up falling back into old habits or maybe even end up doing something really stupid.

From my Tumblr post:

After talking to my best friend yesterday, I realized that it was time for me to start making some changes in my every day life.  It’s obvious that I’m on the depressed side of my bipolar cycle, and even if there isn’t much I can do about my mental illness, I can work as hard as I can to succeed in spite of it.

I’ve been bipolar for at least 14 years now (officially diagnosed in 2003, but I’ve had symptoms since at least age 12) so this isn’t a new realization.  In fact, it’s quite a common, reoccurring one.  It usually happens when I’ve been depressed for so long that life starts to feel monotonous and pointless to me.  When I start to feel that if I don’t do something to make life livable again I just might lose the battle entirely.

I sat down last night and decided that I will do these things daily.  No matter how shitty I feel.

• Journal.  I usually do this anyway, but without fail.


• Exercise for at least an hour.


• Write.  I’m sick of waiting for inspiration to strike me and of beating myself up that my writing is nothing but shit, when I know in fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome.  I will write every day, even if it’s just a paragraph.  Something is better than nothing.


• Read.  Reading as always been completely essential to my mental stability.  If I don’t read, I start to feel trapped and suffocated in my life.  Reading is my ultimate escape.


• Meditate.  And if time/privacy allows, set up my altar and do a ritual for Deity.  It’s so important for me to feel that connection every day.  It keeps me centered.


• Spend quality time with my pets.  My dog and my hedgehog have always been a major life saver for me.  There have been times where the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I knew that there would be no one who could take care of my hogs.  They make me happy and remind me that life is sacred.


• Devote time to my hobbies, be that crochet (which I’ve not done for a while due to pain in my hands), World of Warcraft or some other video game, playing guitar, sketching (which I royally suck at, but enjoy doing sometimes =D), or watching silly shows on Netflix.  Whatever hobby I’m particularly interested in at the time.

Doing these things every day make me a happier, more well-rounded, balanced person.  They may seem like simple things to do each day, but when depression makes everything hard, or time seems to fly in our busy lives, it’s easy to lose touch with what makes you truly happy.

I only have this one life and who knows how much time any of us have.  I’ll be damned if depression is going to make me miss out on any more of it.

I've been working really hard to do all those things every day (the only thing I've been bad about is writing every day...) and I am feeling much better.  (The changes around here have probably helped too, of course.)  I like my life again and am happy to be alive, which feels almost like a completely new thing after being depressed for so many months.

I've started practicing yoga daily as well and WOW, it's made a HUGE difference.  I can't believe it really, because it makes me feel like an entirely new person and fills me with so much love and light.  Same with meditation.  It's honestly one of the best things I could have brought into my life.  It helps me connect spiritually, feel my blood pumping and opens my mind.  Call me a hippie if you will, but I know it's just simply profound.  :)

I'm still battling hard on the lipodystrophy front.  I have gained 40+ lbs. and it's just awful.  I made a promise to myself that I would no longer weigh myself, but when I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago I couldn't help but see the number on the scale.  The weight inside my belly is just miserable.  I'm constantly uncomfortable, doing yoga with a giant pot belly is not easy, and I have near constant acid reflux and of course I can't take anything for it except baking soda and water.   Of course I'm still dealing with the vanity issue associated with it as well.

I'm still waiting for my insurance to approve my pharmacy for the Egrifta prescription.  It can take up to 90 days, and I have about two weeks left, so I'm getting closer.  If Medicaid will not approve my pharmacy I'm going to have to find one that it will, so hopefully that will prove fruitful.  Then, it's just a matter of my body being able to tolerate the injections.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed every day and sending out positive energy to help make that possible because we all know I desperately need it.

That's really all that's new in my life right now.  I hope that you're all well and happy and enjoying your summer so far.  Stay safe and I love you all!  <3