Life As It Is.

 

Well, crap.  It's been quite a while since I made an update for you all.  I guess I've just really felt aversion to sharing my life so intimately online anymore.  Sure, I use Tumblr, but 99% of my posts are completely impersonal and usually just photos of hedgehogs and other cute animals.  Heh.  I suppose I do owe you guys an update though, and I always appreciate that you care enough to read, so here I am on this beautiful Saturday evening.  :)

Things have been moving along here, in many aspects.  My wonderful in laws FINALLY got their house in Oklahoma, so everyone is super happy about that.  Things should start changing around here pretty quickly and I know I'm not the only one who's excited!  We're all happy to be getting back our own space and to no longer be in legal limbo about the whole thing.  We will miss each other, obviously, but we're all ready for the change.

I've been battling a mite outbreak in my hedgehog Thaddeus, so that was a giant pain in the ass, to say the least.  I went to sleep worrying about him every single night.  Thankfully, he got on a Revolution regimen and I think we've finally gotten them under control.  He lost a LOT of quills, becoming completely bald in one spot about the size of a quarter, but he's doing MUCH better now.  In fact, he's snuggling in my lap right now, and I can't tell you how much I've missed that through this whole ordeal.  He's my sweet little man!

Mentally, I have been doing much better over the last couple of weeks.  My depression had gotten so severe that I was beginning to think really awful thoughts, so I knew that if I didn't do something to make it better I could possibly end up falling back into old habits or maybe even end up doing something really stupid.

From my Tumblr post:

After talking to my best friend yesterday, I realized that it was time for me to start making some changes in my every day life.  It’s obvious that I’m on the depressed side of my bipolar cycle, and even if there isn’t much I can do about my mental illness, I can work as hard as I can to succeed in spite of it.

I’ve been bipolar for at least 14 years now (officially diagnosed in 2003, but I’ve had symptoms since at least age 12) so this isn’t a new realization.  In fact, it’s quite a common, reoccurring one.  It usually happens when I’ve been depressed for so long that life starts to feel monotonous and pointless to me.  When I start to feel that if I don’t do something to make life livable again I just might lose the battle entirely.

I sat down last night and decided that I will do these things daily.  No matter how shitty I feel.

• Journal.  I usually do this anyway, but without fail.


• Exercise for at least an hour.


• Write.  I’m sick of waiting for inspiration to strike me and of beating myself up that my writing is nothing but shit, when I know in fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome.  I will write every day, even if it’s just a paragraph.  Something is better than nothing.


• Read.  Reading as always been completely essential to my mental stability.  If I don’t read, I start to feel trapped and suffocated in my life.  Reading is my ultimate escape.


• Meditate.  And if time/privacy allows, set up my altar and do a ritual for Deity.  It’s so important for me to feel that connection every day.  It keeps me centered.


• Spend quality time with my pets.  My dog and my hedgehog have always been a major life saver for me.  There have been times where the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I knew that there would be no one who could take care of my hogs.  They make me happy and remind me that life is sacred.


• Devote time to my hobbies, be that crochet (which I’ve not done for a while due to pain in my hands), World of Warcraft or some other video game, playing guitar, sketching (which I royally suck at, but enjoy doing sometimes =D), or watching silly shows on Netflix.  Whatever hobby I’m particularly interested in at the time.

Doing these things every day make me a happier, more well-rounded, balanced person.  They may seem like simple things to do each day, but when depression makes everything hard, or time seems to fly in our busy lives, it’s easy to lose touch with what makes you truly happy.

I only have this one life and who knows how much time any of us have.  I’ll be damned if depression is going to make me miss out on any more of it.

I've been working really hard to do all those things every day (the only thing I've been bad about is writing every day...) and I am feeling much better.  (The changes around here have probably helped too, of course.)  I like my life again and am happy to be alive, which feels almost like a completely new thing after being depressed for so many months.

I've started practicing yoga daily as well and WOW, it's made a HUGE difference.  I can't believe it really, because it makes me feel like an entirely new person and fills me with so much love and light.  Same with meditation.  It's honestly one of the best things I could have brought into my life.  It helps me connect spiritually, feel my blood pumping and opens my mind.  Call me a hippie if you will, but I know it's just simply profound.  :)

I'm still battling hard on the lipodystrophy front.  I have gained 40+ lbs. and it's just awful.  I made a promise to myself that I would no longer weigh myself, but when I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago I couldn't help but see the number on the scale.  The weight inside my belly is just miserable.  I'm constantly uncomfortable, doing yoga with a giant pot belly is not easy, and I have near constant acid reflux and of course I can't take anything for it except baking soda and water.   Of course I'm still dealing with the vanity issue associated with it as well.

I'm still waiting for my insurance to approve my pharmacy for the Egrifta prescription.  It can take up to 90 days, and I have about two weeks left, so I'm getting closer.  If Medicaid will not approve my pharmacy I'm going to have to find one that it will, so hopefully that will prove fruitful.  Then, it's just a matter of my body being able to tolerate the injections.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed every day and sending out positive energy to help make that possible because we all know I desperately need it.

That's really all that's new in my life right now.  I hope that you're all well and happy and enjoying your summer so far.  Stay safe and I love you all!  <3