I've Moved!

What's up, everyone?  I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger because I was getting a GIANT influx of spam comments over at Wordpress.  Even with spam blockers it was getting ridiculous.  It was affecting my ability to tell when I was actually getting REAL comments.  So anyway, here I am, using Blogger.  Obviously, the URL has stayed the same, so this is probably no big deal for you.  =]

Anyway, I have a few things to update about.  Nothing exciting, really, but I suppose I'll bore you anyway. ;]

Unfortunately, I was not approved for the Egrifta.  It's actually pretty damn stupid because they said I was, that the medication was going to be delivered to my house and then it just never showed up.  I called the Axis Center and low behold it was voided because I wasn't approved.  WTF?  Apparently, Medicaid won't cover it and I can't qualify for patient assistance because I have Medicaid.  Whatever.

At first, I was completely devastated, but now I'm actually at peace with the whole thing.  I'm sure, if I really looked I could find a program to help me get the medication, but honestly, at this point I feel like it's the Universe's way of telling me that I need to learn to truly love myself and not rely on some "miracle drug" to do it for me.

Yes, it is a matter of physical comfort as well as emotional, but this whole lipo thing has turned my life upside down for months now.  Before this, I never had any issues with self confidence or my appearance.  I never thought I was particularly beautiful, but I didn't think I was ugly either.  I was just content with it all.  Since developing the lipo I have completely lost touch with all of that.  I was feeling completely detached from my body - like the body myself and everyone else was seeing wasn't actually me.  It was almost like looking down at myself and having absolutely no recognition of who that person was.

Also, it has affected much, much more than just my body image.  Being bipolar, I struggle with voices inside my head (not voices that tell me to kill you or anything) and since the lipo they have gotten so much louder and meaner.  I have a hard time having conversations with other people because I just hear the noise inside my head telling me that I'm stupid, no one cares what I have to say, that I'm nothing less than completely annoying and that everyone just wishes I would piss off.  Because of this, I have been increasingly antisocial (which I already am, to an extent) and I honestly have no desire whatsoever to even leave my house.

It has gotten completely out of control, so when I found out I wasn't going to get the Egrifta it was like a lightbulb went off that it's time to start to find peace within myself and my appearance again.  It's funny, because I am one of the most body positive people you'll ever meet, but lately I haven't applied that to myself and it's awful.  It's going to be an uphill battle, believe me, I know, but I'm ready to do it.  I really am, so wish me luck.  =]

I have gotten off of all protease inhibitors though (they're the medications that cause the lipodystrophy), so hopefully it will halt the progression.  I started a new medication called Intelence a little over a week ago and while I'm still adjusting to it, it's going well so far.  The previous combination of medications was working really well, but I just couldn't handle the weight gain anymore, so hopefully this combo will be even better!

I'm working hard to be good to myself both physically and mentally.  That's much more of a challenge for me than it may seem, but I'm really trying.  Here's to getting there!