Forever Wandering...

Moved Yet Again...

2011-09-20T19:07:00.001-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know, WTF. How many times am I gonna move this thing? Well, truly, this is the last time.

If you follow my blog through the sayhedgehog.com/blog link you won't even be bothered with this message because it will already take you to the new URL of roxieprince.tumblr.com.

I decided to move to Tumblr because I have a decent following of my other Tumblog and I feel like rather than yelling into the wind here on Blogger my entries will actually be read. I love the Tumblr community and I frankly just don't feel like Blogger has the same kind.

Anyway, enjoy the new blog!

Life Online...

2011-09-14T19:52:00.000-05:00

Hello, everyone! Or those of you that actually read this. Sometimes I feel like I'm just yelling into the wind...

Contrary to what you might have come to believe, I am still very much alive. I have just taken a step back from sharing my life so openly online lately. I have blogged actively for nearly a decade, leaving my life open like a book for any and everyone to assess and critique, but over the last couple of months I have learned that it may be best for me to step away from that for a while, if not forever.

I just don't feel as safe sharing so much online anymore. What used to be a safe haven for me, the one place I could actually be sociable, has become something completely different. I no longer feel safe, mostly because every community/site I used to love seems to be filling with childish, judgmental people who rather than accept people's lives and choices want to condemn them or make light of it. Not to me necessarily, but it's just something I've noticed happening more and more and I really don't want to be a part of it anymore.

Also, I just simply feel that it's more important that I utilize my handwritten journal to take a look at my life than it is to subject it to the scrutiny of strangers. I'm at a point in my journey that I need to quiet the noise around me and listen only to myself.

Don't get me wrong, I very much have an online presence. After all, my very best friends are online and it's the only way I am comfortable socializing. I am extremely active on Tumblr (sayhedgehog.tumblr.com) on Twitter (@roxieprince) and on various pagan and hedgehog forums. I don't plan on leaving the interwebs completely, just stepping back a little.

Yes, I deactivated my Facebook account. It's funny, once I did I got an influx of text messages from people that hardly ever spoke to me through Facebook asking where I went. Seems to me, there are plenty of ways to get ahold of me if you truly want to aside from the atrocity that is Facebook. Why did I deactivate? Mostly because I don't really need to know what 300+ people who aren't active in my daily life are doing every minute of every day. It was just a lot of noise that needed to be silenced and it was and I am happy.

I've even thought about deleting this blog (and still might) because I don't really know if anyone actually reads this and because it's yet another place I feel obligated to paint a portrait of my life for the world to see. I have yet to delete though because I feel like this is the only way some of my family can stay up to date with what's going on in my life. (I guess not if I never update it though, huh? Heh.) Perhaps I just feel like there isn't much place for what I have to say anymore and I'm content with that. Who knows what will become of this place, but for now it's still here.

I'm still here.

A Hedgehog Summer

2011-07-23T04:13:00.001-05:00

Thaddeus and I have both been hiding in our homes lately.

Hello everyone!

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I updated here. Every time I make a vow to start being more frequent in my updates I either find I have nothing of significance to say, or I just lose track of time.

This time it's more like I haven't had anything of significance to say. I've been dealing with some pretty intense bipolar issues over the last couple of weeks, but I am on the right track to getting better. I won't get deep into it, but part of it is that I've had major anxiety issues about leaving my home. I really don't know where it's coming from, but it's hindering my life.

I once had an episode where I couldn't go outside because the air was "wrong", but I woke up the next day and all was well again. This time, it seems to not be going away, no matter how much I want it to. I am pretty much a homebody anyway, and to be honest, it wouldn't bother me much if I hardly ever got out, but it bothers me when the reason I'm not leaving isn't because I choose not to but because I'm afraid. That's an entirely different matter.

Anyway, I am trying out some new ways both medicinal and spiritual to help cope with what's been going on. It's not uncommon for bipolars to go through what I've been dealing with, but it could be that all the changes in my medication/body/life recently have helped to throw my brain chemistry for even more of a loop.

In other news, my lovely hedgehog Thaddeus (pictured above) has been dealing with a mite outbreak for a couple of months now. Mites are quite common in hedgehogs, but surprisingly, after 8 years of hedgehog ownership, this is my first time dealing with them. They can be quite a pain in the ass to get rid of sometimes, and of course, that has been our case. I gave him the treatment to get rid of them when I first noticed the outbreak, but I wasn't able to give him the final dose and I guess that allowed the remaining eggs to hatch and reinfect him. So, he's on yet another round of treatment that I will finish this time and hopefully it will take care of them. I really do hope so because I have been so stressed worrying about my little man.

I know most people probably think I am a complete psycho because of my insane love for hedgehogs (I do have five of them tattooed on me, afterall), but it never fails that when I start to fall into the really dark times/places in my mind they are what saves me. I look into those little beady eyes, that wet, wiggly nose and touch their amazing quills and I find that happy place inside me again. Needlesstosay, I've been spending a lot of time with Thaddeus, on hedgehog forums and posting hedgehog photos and information online lately because they make me smile when things are hard.

Do you believe in spirit animals? I do, and I just know that instead of having a mighty lion or courageous bear as mine, I have a prickly hedgehog. Who's to say there's anything wrong with that? :)

All that said, there really isn't much else I feel I can update on. The world keeps on spinning and life keeps on living.

As a side note, I'd really appreciate it if you could take the time to vote for #10 - Thaddeus Otto in the Hedgehog Summer Photo Contest. He has been through a lot lately and could really use a new wheel. Thank you very, very much.

I've Moved!

2011-06-30T17:15:00.002-05:00

What's up, everyone? I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger because I was getting a GIANT influx of spam comments over at Wordpress. Even with spam blockers it was getting ridiculous. It was affecting my ability to tell when I was actually getting REAL comments. So anyway, here I am, using Blogger. Obviously, the URL has stayed the same, so this is probably no big deal for you. =]

Anyway, I have a few things to update about. Nothing exciting, really, but I suppose I'll bore you anyway. ;]

Unfortunately, I was not approved for the Egrifta. It's actually pretty damn stupid because they said I was, that the medication was going to be delivered to my house and then it just never showed up. I called the Axis Center and low behold it was voided because I wasn't approved. WTF? Apparently, Medicaid won't cover it and I can't qualify for patient assistance because I have Medicaid. Whatever.

At first, I was completely devastated, but now I'm actually at peace with the whole thing. I'm sure, if I really looked I could find a program to help me get the medication, but honestly, at this point I feel like it's the Universe's way of telling me that I need to learn to truly love myself and not rely on some "miracle drug" to do it for me.

Yes, it is a matter of physical comfort as well as emotional, but this whole lipo thing has turned my life upside down for months now. Before this, I never had any issues with self confidence or my appearance. I never thought I was particularly beautiful, but I didn't think I was ugly either. I was just content with it all. Since developing the lipo I have completely lost touch with all of that. I was feeling completely detached from my body - like the body myself and everyone else was seeing wasn't actually me. It was almost like looking down at myself and having absolutely no recognition of who that person was.

Also, it has affected much, much more than just my body image. Being bipolar, I struggle with voices inside my head (not voices that tell me to kill you or anything) and since the lipo they have gotten so much louder and meaner. I have a hard time having conversations with other people because I just hear the noise inside my head telling me that I'm stupid, no one cares what I have to say, that I'm nothing less than completely annoying and that everyone just wishes I would piss off. Because of this, I have been increasingly antisocial (which I already am, to an extent) and I honestly have no desire whatsoever to even leave my house.

It has gotten completely out of control, so when I found out I wasn't going to get the Egrifta it was like a lightbulb went off that it's time to start to find peace within myself and my appearance again. It's funny, because I am one of the most body positive people you'll ever meet, but lately I haven't applied that to myself and it's awful. It's going to be an uphill battle, believe me, I know, but I'm ready to do it. I really am, so wish me luck. =]

I have gotten off of all protease inhibitors though (they're the medications that cause the lipodystrophy), so hopefully it will halt the progression. I started a new medication called Intelence a little over a week ago and while I'm still adjusting to it, it's going well so far. The previous combination of medications was working really well, but I just couldn't handle the weight gain anymore, so hopefully this combo will be even better!

I'm working hard to be good to myself both physically and mentally. That's much more of a challenge for me than it may seem, but I'm really trying. Here's to getting there!

My Life is a Medical Drama...

2011-06-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

I went to the doctor today.

We decided that since I'm still gaining weight and developing the big chin and the hump on my back we would try eliminating the last protease inhibitor from my regimen. She thinks that the medication that's mostly responsible for my good blood work is the Selzentry, so we're leaving that in, removing the Reyataz and replacing it with another drug called Intelence.

It falls into a group of drugs that I had an allergic reaction to in the past, so it's possible I could react to this one as well, but we thought it was worth a try because if it doesn't work I can always go back on the Reyataz.

I'm nervous about possibly developing ANOTHER rash from an allergic reaction (this would be like the 5th in the last 12 months), but I know I cannot handle this belly weight anymore and my doctor seems confident that this could work for me.

You have to understand, the fat in my belly is not merely on the surface. It's actually INSIDE my abdomen, putting pressure on my organs, giving me near constant acid reflux and I am uncomfortable all of the time. I bend over, I can't breathe. I lay on my stomach, I can't breathe. Oh, and yoga is exceptionally uncomfortable in positions where it smooshes my belly. It's not just a vanity thing.

Oh, also, I have not had a period since FEBRUARY and it's because of the weight gain. Just like the excess fat deposits can cause one to become insulin resistant, it can cause one to become estrogen resistant. Awesome.

We discussed the Egrifta approval again and since neither of us had heard from the Axis Center in a while, she called for me to try to get the ball rolling. I had called the pharmacy that was supposed to be filling the prescription on Friday and they said they were still waiting for approval from my insurance. When my doctor called today they said they were waiting on proof of income from me which they NEVER asked for, so JD is going to fax it to them tomorrow. Ugh, gotta love red tape!

Anyway, hopefully I will get the Egrifa injections soon and this change in meds will work for me as well.

I am so thankful for how well the meds are working against the virus, but I am just so miserable physically and with my appearance. I just want my body back.

I was just telling my doctor, it's funny because for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'm able to exercise on a regular basis. Sure, I'm not training for a triathlon or anything, but it's more than I've ever been able to endure before, but I am the fattest I've ever been in my life.

Bah. I'm just ready to get past all this and find a way for me to live LONG and HAPPY, together. I don't think it's fair that I should have to choose between the two.

Life As It Is.

2011-06-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

Well, crap. It's been quite a while since I made an update for you all. I guess I've just really felt aversion to sharing my life so intimately online anymore. Sure, I use Tumblr, but 99% of my posts are completely impersonal and usually just photos of hedgehogs and other cute animals. Heh. I suppose I do owe you guys an update though, and I always appreciate that you care enough to read, so here I am on this beautiful Saturday evening. :)

Things have been moving along here, in many aspects. My wonderful in laws FINALLY got their house in Oklahoma, so everyone is super happy about that. Things should start changing around here pretty quickly and I know I'm not the only one who's excited! We're all happy to be getting back our own space and to no longer be in legal limbo about the whole thing. We will miss each other, obviously, but we're all ready for the change.

I've been battling a mite outbreak in my hedgehog Thaddeus, so that was a giant pain in the ass, to say the least. I went to sleep worrying about him every single night. Thankfully, he got on a Revolution regimen and I think we've finally gotten them under control. He lost a LOT of quills, becoming completely bald in one spot about the size of a quarter, but he's doing MUCH better now. In fact, he's snuggling in my lap right now, and I can't tell you how much I've missed that through this whole ordeal. He's my sweet little man!

Mentally, I have been doing much better over the last couple of weeks. My depression had gotten so severe that I was beginning to think really awful thoughts, so I knew that if I didn't do something to make it better I could possibly end up falling back into old habits or maybe even end up doing something really stupid.

From my Tumblr post:

After talking to my best friend yesterday, I realized that it was time for me to start making some changes in my every day life. It’s obvious that I’m on the depressed side of my bipolar cycle, and even if there isn’t much I can do about my mental illness, I can work as hard as I can to succeed in spite of it.

I’ve been bipolar for at least 14 years now (officially diagnosed in 2003, but I’ve had symptoms since at least age 12) so this isn’t a new realization. In fact, it’s quite a common, reoccurring one. It usually happens when I’ve been depressed for so long that life starts to feel monotonous and pointless to me. When I start to feel that if I don’t do something to make life livable again I just might lose the battle entirely.

I sat down last night and decided that I will do these things daily. No matter how shitty I feel.

Journal. I usually do this anyway, but without fail.

Exercise for at least an hour.

Write. I’m sick of waiting for inspiration to strike me and of beating myself up that my writing is nothing but shit, when I know in fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome. I will write every day, even if it’s just a paragraph. Something is better than nothing.

Read. Reading as always been completely essential to my mental stability. If I don’t read, I start to feel trapped and suffocated in my life. Reading is my ultimate escape.

Meditate. And if time/privacy allows, set up my altar and do a ritual for Deity. It’s so important for me to feel that connection every day. It keeps me centered.

Spend quality time with my pets. My dog and my hedgehog have always been a major life saver for me. There have been times where the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I knew that there would be no one who could take care of my hogs. They make me happy and remind me that life is sacred.

Devote time to my hobbies, be that crochet (which I’ve not done for a while due to pain in my hands), World of Warcraft or some other video game, playing guitar, sketching (which I royally suck at, but enjoy doing sometimes =D), or watching silly shows on Netflix. Whatever hobby I’m particularly interested in at the time.

Doing these things every day make me a happier, more well-rounded, balanced person. They may seem like simple things to do each day, but when depression makes everything hard, or time seems to fly in our busy lives, it’s easy to lose touch with what makes you truly happy.

I only have this one life and who knows how much time any of us have. I’ll be damned if depression is going to make me miss out on any more of it.

I've been working really hard to do all those things every day (the only thing I've been bad about is writing every day...) and I am feeling much better. (The changes around here have probably helped too, of course.) I like my life again and am happy to be alive, which feels almost like a completely new thing after being depressed for so many months.

I've started practicing yoga daily as well and WOW, it's made a HUGE difference. I can't believe it really, because it makes me feel like an entirely new person and fills me with so much love and light. Same with meditation. It's honestly one of the best things I could have brought into my life. It helps me connect spiritually, feel my blood pumping and opens my mind. Call me a hippie if you will, but I know it's just simply profound. :)

I'm still battling hard on the lipodystrophy front. I have gained 40+ lbs. and it's just awful. I made a promise to myself that I would no longer weigh myself, but when I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago I couldn't help but see the number on the scale. The weight inside my belly is just miserable. I'm constantly uncomfortable, doing yoga with a giant pot belly is not easy, and I have near constant acid reflux and of course I can't take anything for it except baking soda and water. Of course I'm still dealing with the vanity issue associated with it as well.

I'm still waiting for my insurance to approve my pharmacy for the Egrifta prescription. It can take up to 90 days, and I have about two weeks left, so I'm getting closer. If Medicaid will not approve my pharmacy I'm going to have to find one that it will, so hopefully that will prove fruitful. Then, it's just a matter of my body being able to tolerate the injections. I'm keeping my fingers crossed every day and sending out positive energy to help make that possible because we all know I desperately need it.

That's really all that's new in my life right now. I hope that you're all well and happy and enjoying your summer so far. Stay safe and I love you all! <3

Video Update

2011-04-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

http://youtu.be/3r7WwNMA-bA

Medication Drama & More

2011-03-22T11:43:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while since I updated this thing. I have thought about doing it every single day and every time I've sat down to do it, I just can't find the words.

I am still struggling so much with all this belly weight I've gained due to my medication. I've been depressed, had no desire to even leave my house, and just felt really shitty in general, but I think I may be on the right track to getting it under control and hopefully reversing it.

When I saw my doctor last, she was blown away by the amount of weight I had gained in just three months - 30+ lbs. I weight more than I ever have in my entire life, and it's all in my stomach and breasts. I honestly look like I'm pregnant. Anyway, she measured my waist and my hips. It's abnormal to have a larger waist, and of course, mine is much larger than my hips.

We discussed my options at great length and rather than stopping my medication completely (which is an option when you've been undetectable for a while, but I was scared to do it because I didn't want to build resistance to the only medications I am not resistant to already at this point), we decided that since I am still undetectable I could stop the Norvir, the main culprit of the lipo. The hope is that by stopping the Norvir I will not gain any more belly weight, but it will not reverse the fat that I've already developed. She also submitted my measurements and had me fill out a bunch of paperwork so that I can hopefully be approved for the newly developed drug, Egrifta, that will get rid of the fat I have now.

Egrifta is a subcutaneous hormone injection I'll have to give myself in my abdomen daily. Yeah, not fun, but at this point, I am willing to do whatever I have to do. I have my fears about it (keeping things completely sterile, how I could possibly react to it, disposal of needles, possible long term side effects that are unknown right now (cancer, heart problems) etc.), but overall I'm ready to try it. From everything I've read about the medication, patients who're on Egrifta have had amazing results, so I'm exceptionally hopeful.

I will probably have to have a CAT Scan so my insurance will approve it. Basically, the fat developed is not merely on the surface, under the skin, like most people gain weight, it's actually INSIDE my abdomen putting pressure on all my organs. This explains why I've been so physically uncomfortable and had acid reflux. It's not only a mentally harmful thing, as up until this point I had perceived it as. It's physical as well, which is why it's important to treat it. The CAT Scan will prove that the fat is inside me, showing Medicaid that I truly need the Egrifta.

It's quite upsetting knowing that it's physically harming me as well as mentally, but it also makes me feel a lot less guilty for going to such an extreme measure, a daily injection, to get rid of it. I've struggled a lot with feeling vain and stupid for being so torn up over this whole thing. That I should be grateful that I'm healthy (which I am) and just accept that this is the way I will be from now on, so knowing that it's actually detrimental to my bodily health makes me feel less awful for wanting to do whatever I have to do to be rid of it.

Also, I have high cholesterol because of it. 26 years old and high cholesterol... =/ Basically, I have to keep exercising and hope that I get approved, so here's to keeping my fingers crossed.

There is good news though, through all of this! My latest t-cell count (the cells in your body that fight off illness. The HIV virus attacks and kills these cells making you susceptible to all sorts of nasty things) came back at 723! That is like, insanely good. A HIV+ person who has 600 t-cells is considered "very good", so you can imagine how exciting it is to have them above 700. Normally, I range between 500-600, and I don't remember a time in my life that they have been this high. For all the grief that these medications have given me over the last few months, they also have me healthier than I've probably ever been. =D

Aside from all this medication drama, I have been working really hard to find balance in my life. Being bipolar, this is quite a request, but I'm trying. I've made it a point to dedicate time every day for journaling, reading, working out, playing games and all the other things that make me happy and feel well rounded. I've found it's really important for me to put myself on a relatively strict routine for these things to feel more stable and so far it's been working quite well.

Spiritually, I've grown so, so much and am extremely happy. I have found a sense of peace I've desperately needed, confidence and the power of myself that's been inside me my whole life but I've been oblivious to until now. I feel like my heart has grown in size since becoming more in tune with my spirituality. It's an amazing feeling. :) Also, learning to meditate has been fantastic for my anxiety, stress management, and just learning to listen to the Universe in general.

Well, thank you for reading all of this, if you made it through, and for your continued love and support. I appreciate and love each and every one of you.

Remember, love is.

Dreadlocks Turn 4!

2011-03-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

My Dreads Turned 4 Today!

Four years ago today I made the decision to dreadlock my hair and I know now that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've learned a lot from the dreadlock process, from outsider's reactions and about myself in general. I think I'm a better, more authentic person because I learned to embrace chaos and to truly be who I am without any excuses.

Now, onto the photos - the real reason you're here. :)

Year One

In that first year I lost approximately 8 inches of length. Crazy shrinking dreadlocks!

At the time, I loved them, but was very self conscious about the "rat's nest" on my head. For the first time in my life, I maintained patience and worked through it and it only got better from then on out.

Year Two

I finally began to see a bit of length along the 20 month mark or so and they finally started to look like real dreads! It was quite exciting!

Year Three

I actually really liked their length in the top photo, but I have always been anxious to have waist length dreads! Slooooooowly!

Year Four

I could finally pull it up into a giant dreadbun and now it's pretty much the only way I wear my hair. I have made a promise to myself though, to start wearing them down more this year. What's the point of having awesome head ropes of they're always pulled up?!

And Now!

I know they will only continue to get better and better from here on our and I'm so excited to stay on this ride. Sure, it's only hair, but it's awesome hair! =D

To see my entire dreadlocking journey, please check out my Flickr Collection.

Still Alive

2011-02-27T14:16:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone! I am still alive and I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just haven't really felt like saying much lately. It's been a really busy month, with both tragedy and blessings. Life is both a beautiful and a cruel thing, but that's what makes it worth living I suppose.

I wish I could write something creative and profound here today, but I can't. I've been under this cloud of depression for so long that the fogginess has really impacted my concentration and my creativity. Hopefully it will end soon, but until then I'll just leave you with a bullet list of what's new in my life lately.

I got my vertical labret pierced on February 18. I absolutely love it and the healing has been a breeze. I just can't wait to put in smaller jewelry.

We went to Mardi Gras in Galveston yesterday. I had never been before and despite how awful I am in crowds I had a really good time.

I've been reading and playing WoW a lot lately. They're my best escapes from my own mind, so yay for that! :)

I am still struggling so, so much with this weight gain from my medications. I swear, I have never felt so awful about myself as I did at Mardi Gras yesterday. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come to terms with this. I feel so stupid that something so trivial has negatively impacted me so much, but I just can't help it.

That's another reason I haven't posted anything in so long, because all I have to open up about lately are things like this, and I don't want to be a downer all the time. =/

I've taken a break from crocheting and my Etsy shop for a while. My hands and back were very angry at me for all the work I was putting them through and having that little bit of extra spending money is just not worth it right now.

I have become addicted to coffee for the first time in my life. I occasionally drank it as a kid, but I never really liked it all that much, but here recently I want it all the time. It helps with my headaches and just generally improves my mood. Plus, it's really yummy! =D

My dreads are coming up on their 4 year birthday (March 5) and man are they getting long! They're always getting stuck when I sit down and stuff and love to fall right in my food when I'm eating, but I still love them so much. They're finally the dreads I always hoped for and are one thing I am always confident in about myself. I just love being dreadlocked!

I have been extremely grateful for my JD lately. More so than usual anyway. Even after 11+ years together he still gives me butterflies. He's always so supportive and reassuring. Even with me feeling so completely awful about myself lately he always manages to make me feel both sexy and beautiful. I am so thankful that such a wonderful man loves me despite it all and that even after all this time we can find new things to love about each other. Truly, I feel like I love and appreciate him more and more every day. Just when I think I can't love him anymore I find out that I can. <3

I guess that's really all I have to say at the moment. Thank you guys for always reading and supporting me. I hope to have written something more eloquent soon. I'm just trying so hard to find my way right now and I thank you for bearing with me.

19 Years

2011-02-01T19:23:00.000-06:00

Today marks 19 years since my mother died.

Sometimes it seems like it's been that long, but mostly I can't believe it has.

I miss her more now than I ever did as a child. I'm not quite sure why, but I think part of is has to do with living with my in laws. I grew up with my aunt, which was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't really around that mother type relationship. After seeing the way my mother in law treats her boys has made me see what that type of relationship is like. I am so thankful that my JD has that with his mom, but I cannot lie, it makes me miss my own mother very, very much.

Also, it seems like as I've gotten older I need her more than ever before. I wish I had her to commiserate with and give me those motherly hugs and support that no one else can give. I wish I had her advice on pretty much every single aspect of my life.

I wish so much that I knew what that relationship is like. I think, for the first time in my life, I'm mourning the loss of that bond. Of course, I missed her very much growing up, but I never gave as much thought to her absence as I do now. Perhaps it's because I'm of child bearing age myself (no kids for me though, ever) or something along those lines, but I really, really wish I had her in my life.

I feel robbed that I don't know that relationship. That I don't have her to hug and lean on and treasure. That we missed out on so much of one another's lives. I know that I would be a much different person if she were here - probably a more balanced and soft person, less guarded and more tender, but I also know that the relationship I grieve for now would most likely not be the one I dream of. There would be our fair share of resentment and tension as all mother/daughter relationships have, but still, I miss that and I'm so angry that I don't have the chance to have that too. The good and the bad, all of it.

I miss her and I need her. Nineteen years she's been gone... Nineteen years... I can hardly believe it.

Regional Dialect Meme

2011-01-21T11:39:00.000-06:00

Regional Dialect Meme

Say These Words:
Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Now answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Dreadlock Video

2011-01-04T22:26:00.000-06:00

I made this video for a dreadlock community I'm part of, but I thought I might as well post it here as well. I hope you enjoy!

Book & Short Story List for October - December 2010.

2011-01-01T21:19:00.000-06:00

October - December 2010

•   Living Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris
•   Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
•   Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
•   Dead as a Doornail by Charlaine Harris
•   Definitely Dead by Charlaine Harris
•   All Together Dead by Charlaine Harris
•   From Dead To Worse by Charlaine Harris
•   Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris
•   Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris
•   A Touch of Dead by Charlaine Harris
•   Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer
•   The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
•   The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
•   The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien
•   The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien
•   The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien
•   "Ancient Lights" by Algernon Blackwood
•   "Sister Magdalena" by Ralph Adams Cram
•   "A Bottomless Grave" by Ambrose Bierce
•   "The Mysterious Head" by P'u Sung-Ling
•   "Luella Miller" by Mary E. Wilkins Freeman
•   "The Secret of Kralitz" by Henry Kuttner
•   "The Oval Portrait" by Edgar Allan Poe
•   "The Hand of the Mandarin Quong" by Sax Rohmer
•   "The Golgotha Dancers" by Manly Wade Wellman
•   "The Stone Coffin" by B.
•   "The Dead Valley" by Ralph Adams Cram
•   "The People of the Pit" by A. Merritt
•   "The Balsam Bats" by Jack London
•   "A Ghost Story" by Mark Twain
•   "The Third Eye" by Robert W. Chambers
•   "The Specter of Doom" by Brahm Stoker
•   The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving
•   Wicca 404: Advanced Goddess Theology by Esra Free
•   The Meaning of Witchcraft by Gerald B. Gardner
•   Witchcraft Today by Gerald B. Gardner
•   How To Meditate: A Step-by-Step Guide to the Art & Science of Meditation by John Novak
•   Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham
•   Living Wicca: A Further Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham
•   Wicca for Beginners: Fundamentals of Philosophy & Practice by Thea Sabin
•   The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wicca & Witchcraft by Denise Zimmerman & Katherine A. Gleason
•   Celtic Tales Told to the Children by Louey Chisholm
•   Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling

To see the entire list check out the tag: books here on my blog.

Well, 2010 is finished and I read a total of 209 books/short stories! I'm quite proud of that (and for keeping such a detailed list), but I hope to read even more this year!

How many books did you read in 2010?

30 Day Challenge - Day 30

2011-01-01T20:04:00.000-06:00

My Highs & Lows of This Month:

Lows:

My weight/body issues.

General depression and anxiety having to do with bipolar disorder.

Problems having to do with people in my life. General stress and hurt feelings.

Highs:

Sitting for the second session of my half sleeve.

Spending the holiday with my family.

Selling a ton of stuff on Etsy.

Finishing my 365 Project.

Immense spiritual growth.

30 Day Challenge - Day 29

2011-01-01T19:57:00.000-06:00

Goals for the Next 30 Days:

Write. Every day. I've been slacking immensely.

Continue working out at least 4 times a week.

Finish my MIL's mittens.

Get my little goblin hunter to at least 60.

Finish at least 5 books.

I think that's it for only 30 days.

30 Day Challenge - Day 28

2010-12-31T14:04:00.000-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! I hope that 2011 is absolutely filled with joy, wonderful memories and prosperity for all of you. Much love!

Something That I Miss:

Actually, right now I'm missing my lover. He left for a week long vacation in Oklahoma with all the guys last night and he wasn't even gone for 6 hours and I was already heartsick for him. I wasn't even able to fall asleep until nearly 7:30AM this morning without him beside me, and I'm sure it'll be like that every night until he gets back.

I'm fine during the day because he's usually gone for work then, but the nights are hard. Sure, I've got Throckmorton, but it's not the same. When you've gotten used to being with someone every day and every night for the last 6+ years it's hard, even for one day.

He definitely deserves this vacation though, so I'm really glad he's gotten to take it and is enjoying himself. Having a quiet house is really, really, really nice, but I'd rather have my JD here, for sure.

30 Day Challenge - Day 27

2010-12-31T13:57:00.000-06:00

A Problem:

What I've struggled the most with lately is coming to terms with what my medications are doing to my body, physically.

I love them because for the first time in my life, the level of HIV in my body is so low that it's no longer detectable. I'm in the best health I've been in pretty much ever, but at the same time I hate them for what they're doing to my figure. The types of medication I'm on, protease inhibitors, cause something called lipodystrophy.

Basically, they cause fat deposits to accumulate mostly in areas like the belly, back of your neck, and chin. It also often makes the arms and legs very skinny while making the torso large, so you really do look like Spongbob Squarepants. There's virtually nothing you can do about it aside from stopping the medications, and even then it's highly unlikely that the fat will go away. Exercise doesn't help, nothing.

It's extremely frustrating and disheartening. Since starting the meds in May I've gained 19 lbs. I seriously look like I'm pregnant and it's absolute hell.

I really have no choice but to learn to accept this. I'm still sticking to my workout routine and all that, but it's really hard when you feel like it's for naught. I still have not come to terms with it, and I'm very, very unhappy with the shape of my body right now, but I have to keep telling myself that it's better to have a pot belly and live a long, healthy life than be thin and live the alternative. Who knows how long it's going to take me to accept it, but I hope I will soon because I'm absolutely miserable in that area of my life. =/

I just want to be able to wake up, look at myself and be happy with the shape of my body. I've worked so hard to maintain my weight and then this happens. I know it's such a petty thing to focus on, but I can't help it. I just want to look the way I envision myself, which in all honesty isn't even really thin, just not with a giant belly. It's the only part of my body I hate and I don't know how to accept it.

30 Day Challenge - Day 26

2010-12-28T19:48:00.000-06:00

What Kind of Person Attracts Me:

Mostly I am attracted to intelligence and independence. I love people who know who they are, what they want and how to get it. People who can hold a conversation about more than just pop culture and the weather. People who think for themselves and form their own opinions, but at the same time are open to learning new things.

Another important quality to me is open mindedness. There isn't much more frustrating to me than someone who refuses to acknowledge that there is a whole wide world outside of their beliefs and who can't accept anything different. The differences in people and ideas are what make this world a beautiful place and I find it really sad when someone won't broaden their horizons. It's how we all learn. Keep an open mind, always and to everything.

I'm also attracted to people who are accepting and kind. People who show respect to their fellow humans, as well as animals and the world around them. I love people who can allow those around them to just be them without any judgment or without being condescending. Someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to allow the real beauty of others to shine around them, because really, when one can do that their true beauty shows.

Also, I guess I should answer this question how most folks would - with what physically attracts me.

I am both attracted to men and women and I tend to like the extremes of both.

In men, I like big, stocky mountain men types. Hairy, bearded, guys who look like they could kick some ass but are soft teddy bears to those they love. My favorite part of men are their legs, especially hairy thick ones. I tend to like dark hair in both sexes, long hair in men, but both short and long hair in women. I like curvy women, but I like my men heavier. I like women who don't wear a lot of makeup and let their hair do what it wants. I like big, full lips and bright eyes. I have a fascination with ladies with flat tummies. Maybe it's because I wish I had one, but really, that's my favorite part of a woman. Oh, and I absolutely love modified people. Stretched piercings and tattoos, tattoos, tattoos. Love it.

30 Day Challenge - Day 25

2010-12-28T19:29:00.000-06:00

Someone Who Fascinates Me:

Hmmm, this is a hard one because honestly I can't narrow it down to one person. All people fascinate me. I love to hear life stories. In fact, I often people watch and try to imagine what each person's story would be. Perhaps that's the writer in me, I dunno, but I love learning about lives.

Everyone has a story. Some are joyous, others exciting and some even tragic. Each one has it's own magic and is absolutely fascinating.

I wish everyone I knew would take the time to tell me their stories, no matter how boring they think they are, because I promise you, it isn't.

30 Day Challenge - Day 24

2010-12-27T14:02:00.000-06:00

My Favorite Movie:

Oh man, I have several favorite movies, but I especially love Spirited Away.

All of Hayao Miyazaki's films are beautiful masterpieces, but Spirited Away always blows me away. I'm not normally one to like animated movies, but trust me when I say that all Miyazaki's films are much, much more than cartoons. They're really pieces of cinematic brilliance.

From Wikipedia:

Spirited Away (????????, Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi^?, literally, Sen and The Spiriting Away of Chihiro) is a 2001 Japanese animated fantasy-adventure film written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki and produced by Studio Ghibli. The film theme is dislocation and it follows a sullen ten-year-old girl who is in the process of moving to a new neighborhood with her family, leaving her old friends and school behind, and chronicles of her adventures in a world of spirits and monsters. Miyazaki's technique as artist involves taking a child's primal wish, transporting kids to a fantasy world they cannot escape. There the viewer experiences phantasmagoric and shifting morality of dreams, fascinating and frightening aspect of having something that seems to represent good become evil.^[1]

I have seen it probably 50 times and I never get tired of it. In fact, this post makes me want to watch it for the 51st time!

30 Day Challenge - Day 23

2010-12-26T16:25:00.000-06:00

Five Male Celebrities I Find Attractive:

#1. Jason Schwartzman is my number one male celebrity crush. OMG, so hot.

#2. Claudio Sanchez of Coheed & Cambria

#3. Jack Black

#4. Zack Galifianakis

#5. Common. He's the only bald man I could get down to business with. Haha!

What can I say, I like my men burly and bearded!

30 Day Challenge - Day 22

2010-12-25T15:11:00.000-06:00

First of all, I want to wish you all a happy yuletide, Christmas, or whatever it is that you celebrate. I hope your day was filled with good food, happy family, loving friends and lots of joy.

We decided to start doing "no gift Christmases" (for many reasons), and man, this was such a great change. Probably the nicest, most stress free holiday we've ever had. We've definitely made the right decision. :)

How I've Changed In the Last 2 Years:

Physically, I've gotten more piercings and tattoos and have more mature dreads. Also, my weight has fluctuated a lot.

Personality wise, I am more calm and able to contain my emotions better. It seems like every year I find more control over my emotions. Not necessarily that I can control their ebbs and tides, because by no means can I do that (thank you, bipolar disorder!), but I am more capable of controlling myself in situations where I would normally spout off and lose my cool. In one way, I'm thankful for this new ability, but at the same time, I hold, what I think is way too much, inside myself and it causes me a great deal of stress. I don't always stand up for myself when I should, whereas when I was younger I never allowed anyone to make me feel small. It seems like in the trade of becoming more "controlled" I've lost the ability to assert myself, and man, I don't necessarily think it's an even trade.

I've also found my spiritual path, which I've always been aware of, but I've made a great deal more of an effort to follow it.

I'm really still the same person as two years ago, just getting older, I suppose...

30 Day Challenge - Day 21

2010-12-23T20:17:00.000-06:00

One of My Favorite Shows:

My favorite show of all time will always be the Simpsons, but a close second and quite underrated one at that is Dead Like Me.

From Wikipedia:

Dead Like Me is an American-Canadian comedy-drama television series starring Ellen Muth and Mandy Patinkin as grim reapers who "live" and work in Seattle, Washington. Filmed in Vancouver, British Columbia, the show was created by Bryan Fuller for the Showtime network, where it ran for two seasons in 2003 and 2004 before cancellation. Fuller left the show five episodes into the first season due to creative differences; creative direction of Dead Like Me was then taken over by executive producers John Masius and Stephen Godchaux. A direct-to-DVD movie titled Dead Like Me: Life After Death was released on February 17, 2009,^[1] with an option to restart the series.^[2]

Eighteen-year-old Georgia "George" Lass (played by Muth) is the show's protagonist and narrator. George dies early in the pilot episode. She becomes one of the "undead", a "grim reaper". George soon learns that a Reaper's job is to remove the souls of people, preferably just before they die, and escort them until they move on into their afterlife. George's death leaves her mother (Cynthia Stevenson) and the rest of her family behind at a point when her relationships with them were on shaky ground. At the end of the movie the post-its and George's statement that she is "fucked" indicate that she is going to be Rube's replacement as head of the Seattle "external influence" division reapers.

The show explores the "lives" and experiences of a small team of such Reapers, as well as the post-mortem changes in George and her family as they deal with George's death.

It is a brilliant show, with exceptional actors, but of course, like all the great shows (Arrested Development, Pushing Daisies (from the same creator as Dead Like Me) and My Name is Earl) it was canceled by the ignoramus networks and left with a major cliffhanger ending.

Don't bother watching the movie that was made after the cancellation in hopes of sewing up the ends called Dead Like Me: Life After Death because it is honestly the most awful film I've ever seen. It changes key characters, even leaving out one of the main ones, opens up and fails to close new plot holes and doesn't even wrap up the questions left open in the series. It's just terrible and makes me feel sorry that such a great series was done even more wrong.

Definitely check out the show though, if you have a change. It is on both Netflix and Hulu and really is worth a watch, I promise.

30 Day Challenge - Day 20

2010-12-23T20:03:00.000-06:00

The Importance of Education:

I think education is extremely important, of course. Children deserve every opportunity for success and that means a solid well rounded education taught by gentle, competent and caring teachers. Unfortunately, I think a great deal of the school system in this country is lacking in some very important ways, and generally that is no fault of the dedicated teachers, but I suppose that is a topic for another post.

As for having a college education, I think that overall it is a wonderful thing, but not always for everyone. I think people who look down on others who choose not to pursue a college education are pretty low. A college education does not make one person better than another, because the fact is, some folks do very well for themselves and live extremely happy lives without one. Be it because life got in the way or because school just isn't fit for some. Either way, one's life success shouldn't be defined by whether or not someone has obtained a college degree.

In fact, I know of quite a few people who's lives are exponentially happier and more successful than their college educated peers'.

Also, I think it's perfectly righteous to teach oneself outside of going to college, and certainly, some people learn more effectively by studying things on their own outside of a structured learning environment. Basically, I think that a "sanctioned" education is not necessarily more valuable than one obtained by self study.

Learn all day, everyday, not just inside a classroom with textbooks. There's so much more to know than that and having that type of education is just as valuable, successful and admirable as one obtained from a university.

30 Day Challenge - Day 19

2010-12-22T13:46:00.000-06:00

Disrespecting My Parents:

I'm assuming this means my thoughts on disrespecting my parents?

Well, my parents are dead, but I was raised by my aunt. Being an adult, I don't believe in disrespecting your parents, or anyone in your life. Sure, when I was a kid and a teenager, I did my fair share of that, as all children do, but those days are long past.

The moral of the story is - maturity means showing all your fellow people respect and you get back the respect you give out.

I feel like today was a waste of a question. =/

30 Day Challenge - Day 18

2010-12-21T12:43:00.000-06:00

My Beliefs:

I believe in Love.

Nothing is ever lost.

As stated earlier in this challenge I am Wiccan. I believe in Deity that is in everything, including inside all of us and in free will and personal choice. I don't believe that our lives are planned out for us or that Deity is vengeful and judgmental. They just are, as we are. They deserve reverence just like all things on Earth. All things have energy, albeit different types, but we're all essentially made up of the same thing as Deity.

I believe all religions should be given equal respect and reverence without the pressure to conform to any one certain faith. I do not believe any one religion is more "right" or "true" than another. I do not believe in missions to convert others. I think that's an incredibly disrespectful practice. I don't believe in attacking, belittling or desecrating another person's beliefs. None of us know what the "truth" really is, so we all have to go with what we feel in our hearts, so give grace and respect to all peoples as you'd want them to give you. No matter how right you believe yourself to be, it's only fair to allow others to worship freely as they choose.

I believe that no one need know of your relationship with Deity aside from yourself and Them. I don't believe we must celebrate in church, or with a group of people, for our communication to be heard. I don't believe in religious propaganda.

I believe in your right to choose and your right to love who you want. I believe we all have basic human rights that we should all be allowed. All people are equal and deserve to make their own choices in their lives, regardless of what others or a government may say. What's right for one person may not be right for another. I believe a woman should be free to make the choice of whether or not she wants to carry a child.

Love has no sexual/gender bounds. No one should be told that their love is invalid or wrong because it's not the "cookie cutter" rendition. Two (or three, or four, etc) same sex people can love one another just as truly and raise children just as well as two opposite sexed people can. Remember, love is.

Essentially, I believe "'an it harm none, do what thou will".

30 Day Challenge - Day 17

2010-12-20T15:09:00.000-06:00

My Highs & Lows of the Past Year:

Well, being bipolar I have a LOT of highs and lows in one month, let alone one year, but let's see if I can come up with a general overview.

Lows:

General battles with my mental illness. (This is the source of nearly all my lows.)

The accident. (We miss you, Mike.)

Feeling inadequate or small in certain situations.

General stress from certain people in my life.

Three extreme allergic reactions that were just AWFUL.

A real scare in the first part of the year about my HIV treatment. We were worried about my dwindling options.

Stress involving my aunt's situation at the start of the year.

Struggling with great feelings of self loathing due to physical side effects of my medication.

Highs:

My aunt's return home in March!

Leaving my awful medical care and finding both a decent psychiatrist and a great HIV specialist.

Finding a medication regimen that has made me undetectable!

Having more energy than I have in as long as I can remember because of the medications.

Finally starting serious work on my memoirs and novel.

Locating my half brother who was estranged from me for my entire life on Facebook.

Connecting with my father's side of the family more than I have in years and years.

Finding my spiritual path.

Adding a few body modifications - nipples & tattooing.

Finding my power.

Getting a Kindle. Yes, that may seem silly, but if you read like me it's amazingly important.

Having a bit of success with my Etsy shop. It makes me feel great when people like my work.

That's really all I can come up with off the top of my head... I'm sure there are many more things to add to each category, but it's hard to remember every event that transpired over the course of a year.

30 Day Challenge - Day 16

2010-12-19T12:45:00.000-06:00

My Thoughts on Mainstream Music:

Honestly, I don't really care. I used to listen to a lot of music when I was younger, but now it mostly makes me feel overstimulated. I have a select few bands I listen to and even then I rarely listen. The only type of music I can listen to without feeling overstimulated and just plain overwhelmed anymore is classical music, and sometimes even that is too much.

I do think that music over the last 30 years has progressively gotten worse and worse. Lyrics now are virtually meaningless and often just really trite and even stupid. The majority of folks that become famous have no talent other than looking "hip" and having appeal to teenagers. When I do listen to the radio in the car, most of the time I'm just like, "WTF is this nonsense?!"

I think it's really sad that it's becoming so commercial and sold out. Music is supposed to be about passion and emotion and basic human response, not about making money and churning out album after album with rubbish lyrics and mediocre instrumentals.

Damn, I sound like an old lady, but it's how I feel.

30 Day Challenge - Day 15

2010-12-18T18:23:00.000-06:00

My Favorite Tumblrs:

I'm gonna skip this one because I'm not doing this challenge on my Tumblr. Instead, I'm gonna take this time to show off updated photos of my tattoo!

From my 365 Project:

[Click to embiggen.]

Once again, these photos were taken by JD because it's nearly impossible to take photos of your own arm, but I'm including them in my project anyway. :)

I sat for the second session of my half sleeve tonight! No color yet (that's next time!), but all the black shading is done!

It is only a couple hours old here, thus I'm still very swollen and red in these photos and I think it looks a little odd without the color done, but it's getting there!

I really needed this lately. I've been struggling a great deal with my body because of side effects of my medication I cannot control. I've gained 19 lbs since May and it's been really getting me down.

I worked very hard a year and a half ago to lose 25 lbs and now it's all coming back. The weight gain is called Lipodystrophy and it's pretty much permanent for as long as you're on the meds and I have no plans to change them since they're working so well for me. Recently there was an injection approved to treat it, but I cannot try it yet and despite working out between 50 minutes - 2 hours at least four times a week I'm continuing to gain weight. I'm sure you can see how disheartening it is...

Anyway, I have been feeling extremely awful about myself, and getting tattooed always helps to boost my self esteem because I feel more complete each time. It's a lot easier to let go of weight issues when you feel comfortable in your skin.

Sorry, this got a little long winded... I cannot WAIT until it's finished! =D

30 Day Challenge - Day 14

2010-12-17T11:42:00.000-06:00

My Earliest Memory:

I have very few memories of my early childhood. I really don't remember much of anything until I was around 10 years old and what I do remember from before then are really broken memories. I honestly believe i don't remember much of my early childhood due to how traumatic it was because of my parents' illness.

Let's see though...

Off the top of my head, the earliest thing I can remember is watching the old TV show Beauty and the Beast and The Wonder Years with my mom. All I really remember is laying in her bed with her while watching them. I barely remember anything of my mother from before she was ill, so I hold onto the little memories I have for dear life.

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

2010-12-16T16:32:00.000-06:00

Somewhere I'd Like to Move or Visit:

This question is kind of strange. I mean, there's a real difference between just visiting somewhere versus living there.

Anyway, if I could live anywhere, based on my limited travel experience, I'd want to live in California. Mostly San Francisco or San Jose. I've visited twice and have never been so enamored with a place. The weather is absolutely perfect, the scenery is beautiful, the people are awesome. Basically, it's just the exact opposite of where I live now. San Francisco is such a neat city in pretty much every way. I just love it there and often fantasize about living there permanently.

The top places I'd like to visit (and potentially live, if I liked them enough) would be all the Scandinavian countries. Again, all the people seem so nice there and the scenery would be something to remember. I'd also like to visit England, Ireland and Scotland. Maybe one of these days!

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

2010-12-15T19:35:00.000-06:00

I've enabled Facebook integration, so it's even easier to comment and share!

Bullet My Whole Day:

Cleaned my bathroom at 1:30AM.

Read until I fell asleep around 4:30AM

Woke up at 8AM for no good reason and couldn't fall back asleep even though I was super tired.

Finally fell back asleep around 11AM for a couple hours.

Woke up and took my medicine.

Checked my phone, email and all that good stuff I do every morning.

Went out and checked the mail. Nothing good.

Went to Wal-Mart with Winston to pick up more yarn and some groceries. Actually got in and out without much hassle. I hate Wal-Mart.

Then went to pick up my Norvir (medication) at Walgreens.

Came home and ate some awesome burgers Rhonda made. Chatted with her for a bit.

Started work on an Etsy order.

Rubi called and I shot the shit with her for a while.

Took a 365 photo which I still have yet to upload.

Worked on 2 Etsy orders.

Watched like a billion YouTube videos while I crocheted. (Beckie0 has been and always will be my favorite YouTuber. She's just so smart and adorable and I can't get enough of her accent!)

Shot the breeze with my father in law for a bit when he came home from work with a Christmas tree. Talked about tattoos.

Chatted with JD on his way home from work about one another's day, about what I talked about with Rubi and about the prospect of going to sit through another session of tattooing this weekend. So gonna happen, I hope!

JD came home and we ate a slice of pizza together and watched Mythbusters.

Finished both Etsy orders and packed them up to ship out. (I swear, these Pokeball hats are just crazy! 13 in a week and a half!)

Rested my super sore hands for a bit while I messed around online. Caught up with all my blogs and stuff.

Rode my exercise bike for 60 minutes.

Watched an episode of Doc Martin while riding the bike.

Took a nice hot shower.

Did this bulletin thing.

And now I shall take my medicine and read until sleepytime. Perhaps listen to an audiobook if actual reading doesn't relax me enough to fall asleep.

(I didn't journal today, a normally essential part of my day, because of how friggin' sore my hands are. Typing this is bad enough. I'll probably regret not journaling tomorrow.)

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

2010-12-14T13:01:00.000-06:00

10 Songs on My iPod:

I don't keep many songs on my iPhone, but here we go.

1. Alanis Morissette - No Apologies
2. Motion City Soundtrack - Resolution
3. Coheed & Cambria - Mother Superior
4. Hanson - Madeline
5. Merril Bainbridge - Being Boring
6. Hanson - Soldier
7. Barenaked Ladies - Light Up My Room
8. Ziggy Marley - Give A Little Love
9. Savage Garden - The Animal Song
10. Common Market - House

30 Day Challenge - Day 10

2010-12-14T12:52:00.000-06:00

My First Love & First Kiss:

They both came from the same man, my wonderful JD. You can read about how we started out here.

Our first kiss was on Easter Sunday of 2000. I was so nervous about kissing him that we were together for six months before it ever happened. I went to his house (now our house) for the first time that day, so not only was I stressing out about meeting his family for the first time, but I was still all nervous and giddy just being around him.

After we sat around and talked with his parents for a while and his mom gave me an Easter Basket we went back to his bedroom and he literally tackled me on the bed and kissed me. After that, things went pretty fast! Haha!

I'll never forget that day, or that kiss.

30 Day Challenge - Day 9

2010-12-12T18:19:00.000-06:00

What I Hope My Future Will Be Like:

(The way this question is phrased in the picture makes my eyes bleed.)

I pretty much already covered this on Day 2. I hope that I will be healthy, happy in love and life, and that I'll have accomplished my literary goals.

I hope that JD and I will have a nice, peaceful life together wherein we are both fulfilled and happy. I hope that he will have found a career that he's more than just satisfied with and that we're even more financially stable than we are now. I hope that our house is decorated with things I chose and is a serene sanctuary for the both of us. I hope he can come home from work everyday to a nice hot meal I made, relax and enjoy each other's company and live relatively stress free.

I hope that there will be great leaps in both the treatment of HIV and bipolar disorder. I hope that the fear of developing AIDS will be the last thing I have to worry about, and that I will have found a successful way to cope with my mental illness, be it through medication or therapy.

I hope that I will have finished my tattooing and feel complete in my physical appearance. I hope to have sculpted my body to look how I want it to, and that I'll have found peace with my body. Same for JD.

I hope to have become a successful author. I hope to have told my story through my memoirs and to have touched at least one person's life with them. I hope to write a series of novels and some short stories.

Basically, I hope for peace and balance in my life.

30 Day Challenge - Day 8

2010-12-11T17:03:00.000-06:00

A Moment I Felt The Most Satisfied With My Life:

I feel satisfied with my life right now, actually. It's taken me a long time to reach this point. The hardest thing I've ever done was to learn to accept that my life wasn't going to be like everyone else's and to just be happy with the life I've got.

I'm happy with my lover, my dog, my writing and my hobbies. I always thought I would have to have a big high powered career to be happy, but since my path doesn't go that way I've been amazed to learn that I'm happy to be a housewife. I enjoy staying home and making dinners and doing all the wifely duties. Sure, I struggle a great deal with feeling like I'm a burden because I can't work and contribute financially to my partnership, but disability helps make it easier.

At first I hated being disabled, but in time I've learned that it's nothing to be ashamed of. It just is what it is and there's nothing wrong with taking help when you truly need it.

Sure, I still dream about being a criminal profiler who writes crime novels on the side, but honestly, I can still write. I can still achieve my lifelong and most important goal of being a successful writer. That is not out of my grasp by any means, in fact, by having my schedule all my own it's even more attainable. It's just a matter of getting the work finished to publish. ;D I know I will not be happy with my life unless I master that task simply because I don't want to die without leaving a legacy. That's my biggest fear in life - to die and leave nothing behind.

Until then though, I have learned to find happiness in my simple daily life but still hold onto those dreams and keep working toward them. I have a man who loves me heart and soul, the best health I've had in my entire life, a roof over my head and food in my mouth, things I sincerely enjoy devoting my time to, a snuggly puppy and a pokey hedgehog and people who care about me. Things could definitely be worse. :)

30 Day Challenge - Day 7

2010-12-10T19:13:00.000-06:00

My Astrological Sign & If I Think It Applies To Me:

I'm a Scorpio and for the most part I think it applies to me. (I'm using this site as a general overview.) I am passionate, loyal, resourceful and dynamic. I am also obsessive and unyielding. I can be jealous, but not overly so and I can be manipulative when I want to be. Scorpios are very moody and independent and that's me, most definitely, and I most certainly enjoy being alone (not when it comes to my lover, but in general in my life).

I don't know how much I really do believe in astrology though, because I think everyone can see themselves in every sign. It's one of those things that people click to because it's such a vast overview of human personalities that of course it's going to make sense somewhere along the line, but I overall I think my sign describes me decently well.

30 Day Challenge - Day 6

2010-12-09T20:26:00.000-06:00

IN BLOG NEWS, I HAVE INSTALLED OPENID COMMENTING TO MAKE IT EASIER TO REPLY TO ENTRIES.

30 Interesting Facts About Myself:

#1. I read Dear Abby every day.

#2. I have a scar right between my eyes because when I was really small I was chasing a kitten and ran smack into the metal bar on the stove.

#3. I used to be in both tap and ballet as a child and I loved it.

#4. The most vivid memory I have of my mother is showering with her and what she looked like naked. Weird, but comforting in a way.

#5. I have a great deal of trouble sleeping anywhere but my own bed. I have to have the PERFECT atmosphere which basically consists of my pillow in the correct position, Audiobooks to lull me to sleep, my memory foam sleep mask and eventually ear plugs. Also, my feet have to be in a precise position. For this reason, I haven't slept anywhere but my own bed in at least a year.

#6. I read at least 30 books a year. My favorites are classics mostly. I prefer Victorian era literature. It's very rare for me to read and enjoy modern writers (meaning books written within the last 50 years), but I absolutely LOVE The Sword of Truth Series by Terry Goodkind. I cannot wait until the next book is released in 2011!

#7. I do most things in 8s, meaning I count to 8 for pretty much everything. If I do not I get severely anxious.

#8. I also favor my left side, even though I'm right handed. I feel better about a room if I can enter it from my left side and if I use a public restroom I have to use the third stall on the left side. If it's unavailable I will wait until it's open, even if there are other stalls available.

#9. When I was little I used to be able to see and communicate with my mom after she died. I remember seeing her physically in front of me and I could see her in the clouds. My dad and others caught me several times talking to her but they couldn't see her. It stopped as I got older and I always wished it didn't.

#10. I am allergic to pretty much every medication, which is not good when you have a compromised immune system. Ha! There is only one antibiotic I can take if need be and trying new medications on me for any reason is always a scary, uphill battle.

#11. I stopped growing in the 7th grade. I was 4'10.5" until my sophomore year in high school when I miraculously grew a half an inch.

#12. I absolutely LOVE The Simpsons. I have a vast knowledge and can quote pretty much any episode. I cannot imagine life without The Simpsons on the air.

#13. I learned how to read when I was three and by the time I was in the third grade I was reading at a college level.

#14. My best friend in the world is someone I met off the internet like 8 years ago. We've met in person twice and she's one of the people I give thanks for every day. She's saved my life more times than I think she even knows.

#15. I journal and read every single day. If I do not, I start to feel very smothered. Words are what keep me sane(ish, ha!).

#16. I have three half brothers.

One from my father who's name was Zack and he died of an accidental overdose in 2001. I didn't meet him until I was in the 8th grade and in just the short time he was in my life he made a huge impact on me and I miss him every single day and wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. He was my big gay brother and I am thankful for the time I did I have with him. <3

The other two are from my mother and their names are Sonny and Daniel. I've never gotten to meet them, but just recently I connected with Daniel through Facebook (the power of the internet, once again!) and plan on meeting soon. So thankful for that.

#17. I have an almost photographic memory. When I read something in a book I can almost always tell you what page it was on and whereabouts on the page is was. I can also almost always remember any number once I write it down one time.

#18. Once, when I was little my dad made me the most kickass Halloween costume out of old bath towels, beads and a rented American Indian wig. I wanted to keep that wig so badly, but Dad wouldn't let me because he said it was too expensive. Ha! (Don't worry, the costume wasn't racist, I'm part both Cherokee and Apache.)

#19. I am a nocturnal creature. No matter what, I am always my most awake and productive after 10PM. I've learned to accept this and keep my own schedule, despite what others say should be "normal" for me. What do they know about my "normal"?!

#20. I had four American Girl dolls as a child and they seriously got me through everything - my dad's death, living with the psycho after that and so much more. I had complete lives with those dolls. They were my escape and my outlet. I still miss playing with them to this day.

#21. I absolutely CANNOT hear the sound of a heartbeat. It gives me a panic attack every single time.

#22. I am 26 years old and I've never had my driver's license. I have a full blown phobia of driving. Just thinking about it (even typing about it here) makes my chest tight. I will most likely never get a driver's license and I'm completely fine with that. I cannot bear to confront that fear.

#23. I also have a phobia of cicadas. Probably just writing about them here will give me nightmares tonight. ::shudder:: Evil looking alien monsters they are!

#24. I compulsively save pictures of pugs, French and English bulldogs and hedgehogs. I have over 600 photos of them on my phone alone. They're a constant reason to smile!

#25. I am attracted to both sexes. I believe it very well could have been a woman I feel in love with, but JD happened to be a man. I don't love him because he's a man. I love him because he's JD.

#26. I hate pretty much all Italian food unless it's alfredo. Blech.

#27. My most prized possession in the world is a rock my dad found for me on the edge of a cliff.

#28. I lived in Yellowstone Park for nearly a year after my mother died.

#29. I never stand in the shower because I get crazy dizzy in the hot and steamy room. I also cannot do elliptical machines or treadmills for the same reason, but I do work out on a stationary bike at least 4 times a week.

#30. I wish I were an Ent(wife).

30 Day Challege - Day 5

2010-12-08T20:32:00.000-06:00

A Time I Thought About Ending My Life:

There have been many of those because they come with the territory when you're bipolar. I know I will have them for the rest of my life and with that knowledge it makes each time easier to get through.

I have only seriously attempted suicide one time - in 2003. I took a hand full of pills and ended up in the psych ward of the county hospital. It was one of the most horrendous experiences of my life. One thing I learned for certain that night was, if I ever attempt suicide again I'll make sure it takes that time because I'll NEVER want to end up in that place again.

I may contemplate ending my life on a regular basis, but I never will. No matter how hopeless things get I always remind myself that bipolar disorder is a cycle and eventually the feeling will go away. Plus, I have too much to live for and I haven't survived this long to end it now.

My half brother Zack died of an "accidental overdose" in 2001, so I know first hand how awful it is to lose someone to suicide. No matter how much I wanted to die I could never do that to my brother and to JD.

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

2010-12-08T20:30:00.000-06:00

My Thoughts on Religion:

I believe in Love. Nothing is ever lost.

I'm Wiccan (which I'm sure some of you are surprised to learn, for I never discuss my beliefs in everyday life and my reason follows), but I firmly believe that religion should be an intensely private thing. I don't think anyone but you need know what happens between you and Deity.

In most respects, I am not a fan of organized religion. One of the many things that I love about Wicca is that there is no one book everyone must follow, or one church all must attend and no one man is closer to God than another. Deity is in all of us and we don't need priests, monks, or prophets to connect to God. I believe that organized religion in general is detrimental to our connection with Deity. When things become tradition and superstition because they're super regulated the truth is lost. I believe Deity speaks to every person differently and if you stifle that by following a strict set of rules and regulations and worship in mandated ways, you lose connection to Them.

Also, I believe that most organized religions are crooked, like most big companies and governments. They're only out for their own interest and to make money. Faith is about neither of those things.

Finally, I absolutely cannot stand when people work to convert. I think it's extremely disrespectful and I don't feel that Deity would approve. I believe all faiths should be respected. None is more "right" or "correct" than another, just like no race, culture or nationality is greater than another. Live and let live. Believe and worship how it feels right to you and leave everyone else to do the same.

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

2010-12-08T20:28:00.000-06:00

My Thoughts on Drugs & Alcohol:

(Sorry if this is slightly incoherent, I am extremely sleepy.)

Although I've done both, I no longer partake in either. When speaking of drugs I've done, I mean only marijuana. (And all the psych ones prescribed to me! Ha!)

Personally, I don't like how drugs and alcohol make me feel. I do enjoy the feeling of being slightly buzzed, but I have never seemed to have been able to know my limits when it comes to alcohol. Perhaps it's the bipolar disorder, but when I drink I cannot stop at just being buzzed, so I stay away from it entirely. I've also had a very bad experience while drunk in which I was basically date raped, so that's another reason I don't partake anymore. It's been so long since I've drank that I can't even stand the taste of alcohol anymore, which I suppose is a good thing.

As for weed, I just plain cannot stand how it makes me feel. I know everyone says it's supposed to calm you down and all that, but instead it makes me intensely paranoid and I just feel awful. It's a hard feeling to explain, almost like I'm scared. My heart races and I can't concentrate and I start to think that everyone is making fun of me or that I look really stupid or something dumb like that. When I first started smoking in my early 20s I didn't have that problem. I enjoyed it like everyone else, but then suddenly it changed and now I don't even want to try anymore. Perhaps it's got something to do with my medications, I'm not sure, but I can't bear it.

Also, after I smoke or drink I always feel intensely guilty, like I've done something extremely wrong. Sure, this could be from society's ideals of what's good and bad, but really I believe it's because I know I've done something outside of my morals.

I don't really like to be around people who are under the influence. Stoners I don't mind so much (most people I know and love smoke) but I really do not enjoy being around drunks. I don't think it's fun to babysit someone who is super intoxicated and I think it's really sad when folks can't seem to have a good time without the influence.

My views on drugs and alcohol in society is essentially that I don't think any substance should be illegal. Number one, because I feel our basic human right is to be able to choose what we want to do in our lives and if people want to use drugs and alcohol that should be their prerogative. Also, I think that by keeping drugs illegal it keeps them dangerous. If the government were able to regulate where and how people got their substances and distributed them from safe places, like clinics, there wouldn't be so many problems with dirty needles, drugs cut with toxic additives, and it could also help prevent overdoses because the dispersal rate could be monitored. I think people are going to take drugs and alcohol regardless, so why not make them safely accessible?

I do think however, that there should be strict punishments for people who are reckless while partaking. Meaning drunk driving, driving while intoxicated, giving them to minors, and perhaps even making/taking drugs outside of the clinics where they are provided, simply because they have the potential to harm members of society who choose not to do them. It should be your choice whether you want to harm yourself with drugs and alcohol, but not whether you can make that choice for others.

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

2010-12-08T20:26:00.000-06:00

Where I'd like to be in 10 years:

Honestly, I'd like to be in pretty much the same place I am now, meaning with JD, in our house, happy and healthy.

Aside from that I would like to have written and published at least my memoirs and a novel. I hope to be established as a writer and thought of as more than what I am today.

I also hope to have found balance in my mental illness. I hope to have harmony between my ability to create and stability since that seems to be such a hard thing for me now. When I'm stable I can't create, but when I'm unstable I'm unstable. I need to find some sort of medium there.

Finally, I hope to be able to just be. To be able to fall asleep at night without cycling through all the bullshit and just allow myself to be.

I think I can get there in hopefully less than 10 years with my faith, my writing and my outlets. Working for peace is what it will be.

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

2010-12-08T20:25:00.000-06:00

I've been doing this on my private blog, but after thinking about it, this might be something enjoyable to do here as well. Might help you all get to know me a little bit better.

My Current Relationship:

I've been with the same man, JD, for over 11 years. We are very happy together. We rarely fight (actually just had our first major fight in years yesterday), but when we do get pissy at each other we get over it really quickly and there's never any "deal breakers".

We enjoy our little life together and aside from some small issues, we really have nothing to complain about. He is the light at the end of my tunnel, the reward for all of the pain in my life. He's the only person in the world I can stand to be around day in and day out and I cannot imagine my life without him.

He's the more laid back, chilled one who keeps me cool when I get too heated (which happens a lot) and he keeps me grounded when I feel like I can't keep my feet on the floor.

He's never once shied away from my illnesses. He's never made me feel like I'm a burden and he accepts me just the way I am without question. Most dudes, when confronted with HIV and bipolar disorder would have ran for the hills the first chance they got, but not JD. He loves me for the whole package, the bad included. He's amazing.

I knew he was the one way back in 1999 when I first saw him on the marching band practice field. I just knew I had to "have that kid" and never once have I looked back.

Together we make a pretty kick ass team and I couldn't ask for more in a partner. ?

World AIDS Day 2010.

2010-11-30T19:22:00.000-06:00

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="230" caption="Click through to order your bracelet."][/caption]

Today is World AIDS Day - a day of remembrance and awareness. Here's to all of us living with the virus and those of who have lost the great fight. ?

A great way to contribute to HIV/AIDS awareness and give money to the cause is by buying and wearing an Until There's A Cure bracelet. I've worn one every day for 12 years (it's about ...time for a new one, haha!) and I wear it proudly.

Today I remember my parents and not only their deaths, but their work as activists in a time when having HIV was enough to be completely ostracized and stigmatized. They worked to show the world that it wasn't a virus limited only to the lowest members of society, but that it could happen to anyone, including you. And I remember their fight. Thank you for making me who I am.

Today I remember my own struggle with HIV and am thankful for my health, my doctors and the never ending support of my family and friends. Thank you and I love you all.

Photo Meme.

2010-11-27T19:05:00.000-06:00

I thought this would be fun to post here. Just silliness.

1. Your Facebook profile photo:

2. A photo of yourself a year ago:

3. A photo that makes you happy:

4. A photo of the last place you went on holiday:

I haven't gone on vacation in a very long time, but here's one on my last birthday.

5. A photo of you:

6. A photo that makes you laugh:

7. A photo of someone you love:

8. A photo of your favourite band/musician:

9. A photo of your family:

If I had one of both of us with Throcky it would be complete.

10. A photo of you as a baby:

11. A photo of your favourite film(s):

I have many favorites, but this is one of the top.

12. A photo of you:

13. A photo of your best friend(s):

and of course

14. A photo of one of your favourite family members:

My gorgeous brother Cody.

15. A photo of you and someone you love:

My mother in law, Rhonda. I love her because she gave birth to the man I love.

16. A photo of you at the last party you went to:

17. A drunk photo of you:

I honestly don't have one of those. I haven't drank to excess in years, but here's one of me smoking the hookah.

18. A photo of one of your classes:

I don't have one of my entire class, but here's one of me and some friends in the seventh grade.

19. A photo of you on a school trip:

Me and Rubi in Florida on our junior year band trip. I shaved my head that year.

20. A photo of something you enjoy doing:

Crocheting

Reading

Writing.

21. A photo of you standing up:

22. A photo of your town:

23. A photo of your friend as a baby:

I honestly don't have one of those. =/

24. A photo of you that your hair looks nice in:

25. A photo of a night you loved:

Our cemetery adventure. Mike is there in the back, center. This is right before he passed away in the accident.

26. A photo of your favourite weekend:

All of us at RenFest a couple weekends ago.

27. A photo of last summer:

More like the spring, but it will have to do.

28. A photo of what you ate today:

Lemon pepper chicken wings! One my my faves.

29. A photo of someone you find attractive:

Jason Schwartzman is my celebrity crush. My one free pass. =D

I'm also quite partial to Scarlett Johansson.

30. A photo of you when you were happy:

Most recently, at RenFest with most of my favorite men.

Hand of the Soul

2010-11-22T20:06:00.000-06:00

Once, when I was little, my dad asked me what my favorite part of my body was. I said, "My hands and my soul."

I was quite a child.

My hands have aided me in both my own destruction and in my survival. They've brandished the weapons I've used to harm myself, both physically and mentally throughout my life. They've hurt me, burned me, spurned me and bruised me, but they've always sustained me.

They hold the pills that keep me alive and allow me to thrive. They work till they ache so I may create. They pen the words to paper that free my mind. They transfer and absorb energy from everything they touch. They send tenderness and lust to my lover.

They can be both gentle and cruel.

And oh, the soul!

Whether you want to debate the existence of such a thing, or where it emanates from and whence it returns when it leaves our flesh, one thing I am certain of is that my soul is the core of who I am. It is not my body that makes me me, it is the force created by God, or the Universe, or whatever there may be. It is who I am and mine is a survivor, a lover, a creator and sometimes a fighter. Whether it shall find another body after this one turns to dust I do not know, but know it's who I am and I'm here to learn.

To learn to work with my hands, love one another and find inner peace. Everything comes together - all the loss and the pain, the joy and the tears. Nothing is ever lost, for we are a force of nature.

Short Update

2010-11-12T15:25:00.000-06:00

THROCKMORTON TROUBLE

I'm just here to say that I made my dog Throckmorton a blog over on Tumblr. Ya'll should all follow him for a regular dose of cuteness! =D

Start of the Half Sleeve!

2010-10-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="640" caption="Click to enlarge."][/caption]

Tomorrow (Halloween!) is my 26th birthday. As my gift from myself and my lover I got to finally start my half sleeve! I have been planning this for years, and after going through many different ideas I finally decided on an adaptation of my favorite piece of art -

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="418" caption="Click through to Scott Saw's site."][/caption]

I have a hard time putting into words why this piece touches me so deeply, but it reaches deep inside and warms me. I see myself in this painting as well as a deep connection to life, Earth and the Universe. I wish that I could find the right way to express how it makes me feel... It's just right.

Obviously this is just the outline. I still have a couple more sittings to do to complete the rest of the detail (quite a lot of that left to be done) as well as the color. I absolutely cannot wait until it's finished. It's going to be epic. :)

It was done by Justin Guillory at Classic Rose tattoo in Dickinson, Texas. Justin has tattooed me before and I have never been anything but thrilled with his work. I was blown away last night when he started working on me because he drew the stencil of the girl and the skull and then started marking my arm with a marker. It took like 10 minutes and looked like absolutely nothing to me, but then he sat the print out of the painting on a little easel and tattooed the rest of it while looking at the image! People with artistic talent blow me away because I can't draw to save my life.

I could not be happier with it so far. I already feel a little bit more complete. I cannot wait until it's finished! One step closer to looking like I've always envisioned myself. It feels pretty great!

Happy Halloween guys!

Follow...

2010-10-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

Hello there, lovelies! I hope things are just smashing in your part of the world.

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately, here and elsewhere online. About a month ago I had a bit of unnecessary interwebz drama that made me a little weary of sharing so much of my life online. I have been blogging for years and years and I've made friends with many people, some who are just as valuable to me as folks I know in "real life". One of my most treasured friendships is with someone I met online many years ago, so it has been really hard for me to decide if I honestly did want to stop blogging. Rather than completely abandoning my online world I have decided that for now, this blog shall be my only one. I still have my other (more personal blog, so I won't reveal it here), and perhaps one day I'll return to it, but for now, I just cannot. I hope all of you that follow me from over there can understand. <3

In other news, not much else is new around here since I last vlogged. (Thanks for watching, by the way!) I am still doing the same things - crocheting, cooking, reading, writing (not as much as I would like) and spending time with the man I love. My life may not be exciting, but it's a happy one, for the most part, and I'm thankful for it.

The only slightly exciting thing to happen to me in the last couple of weeks has been that I went and got my nipples pierced with my brother in law's girlfriend last night. I wanted to do them for a very long time, I just could never get up the balls to do it and then of course, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I'm happy with them and cannot wait till they heal so the real fun can begin. ;-D

It had been a while since I'd gotten any type of modification, so it was nice to indulge in something that I get so much fulfillment from. Hopefully one of these days in the not to distant future I can add more to my tattoo sleeve as well. I guess part of the fun is the process leading up to it, but I'm not very good at being patient sometimes.

Also, I have reopened myself up to a faith that I had a strong connection to as a young teenager and I'm beyond thrilled that it speaks to me even more now. I won't speak about my faith much here because I firmly believe that religion/spirituality should be an intensely personal and private thing. My communication with Deity needn't involve anyone but us. I will say though, that it has been extremely satisfying to reconnect with something that jives pretty well with everything I have always believed about the Universe and the powers that exist within, both human, Earthly and divine. I'm only sad that I allowed it to fall to the wayside all those years ago because I could have been feeling this connection for so much longer, but I guess now is all that really matters.

I've written a couple pieces lately that I am reasonably proud of, but they involve my journey into finding my faith, and I'm not quite sure if I am comfortable showing them to the world just yet since I really feel it should be a private thing. Maybe one day I will share, but for now I'm content to leave them within the pages of my journal.

Well, I guess that's really all I've got to say for now. Hopefully one day soon I will have written something less private and more suited for posting here because that's the whole reason I started this blog, afterall. Until then, take care of yourselves and love one another.

Vlog Update

2010-10-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

I hope you enjoyed my 10 minute ramble.

Book & Short Story List for July - September 2010.

2010-10-03T15:50:00.000-05:00

Once again, it's time for my reading list from the last three months. As always, I've enjoyed quite a few great works and it's even more convenient and economical now that I have my lovely Kindle to keep things organized and such.

I'm excited to see exactly what all I've read come the end of the year. For the first time in my life I've kept a detailed list of it all! I wish I 'd done this for all the other years of my life because I always forget what I've read and when. I encourage you all to keep a list as well!

July - September 2010.

•   Chainfire by Terry Goodkind
•   Phantom by Terry Goodkind
•   Confessor by Terry Goodkind
•   Jimbo by Algernon Blackwood
•   The Human Chord by Algernon Blackwood
•   The Centaur by Algernon Blackwood
•   The Extra Day by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Insanity of Jones” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Man Who Found Out” Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Glamour of the Snow” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Sand” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “May Day Eve” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Damned” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “A Haunted Island” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “A Case of Eavesdropping” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Keeping His Promise” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “With Intent to Steal” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Wood of the Dead” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Smith: An Episode in a Lodging-House” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “A Suspicious Gift” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Strange Adventures of a Private Secretary in New York” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Skeleton Lake: An Episode in Camp” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Garden of Survival” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Listener” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Man Whom the Trees Loved” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Olive” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Wendigo” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “A Psychical Invasion” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Ancient Sorceries” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “The Nemesis of Fire” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Secret Worship” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “A Victim of Higher Space” by Algernon Blackwood
•   “Schalken the Painter” by J. S. Le Fanu
•   “An Account of Some Strange Occurrences on Aungier Street” by J. S. Le Fanu
•   “An Authentic Narrative of A Haunted House” by J. S. Le Fanu
•   “Ultor D Lacy: A Legend of Cappercullen” by J. S. Le Fanu
•   “The Haunted Baronet” by J.S. Le Fanu
•   The Witch of Prague by F. Marion Crawford
•   The Great Big Treasury of Beatrix Potter by Beatrix Potter
•   The Lost Stradivarius by John Meade Falkner
•   Clarimonde by Theophile Gautier
•   The Treasure by Selma Lagerlof
•   The Ingoldsby Legends by Richard Harris Brown
•   The Turn of the Screw by Henry James
•   Olalla by Robert Louis Stevenson
•   The Grey Woman by Abraham Merritt
•   The Parenticide Club by Ambrose Bierce
•   Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay
•   Dearly Devoted Dexter by Jeff Lindsay
•   Dexter by Design by Jeff Lindsay
•   Dexter in the Dark by Jeff Lindsay
•   Dexter is Delicious by Jeff Lindsay
•   Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
•   The Mystery of a Turkish Bath by Rita

Right now I'm blasting through The Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris. I'm a big fan of TrueBlood, so I'm just devouring the novels and I have to say, I have no been disappointed yet.

Keep reading, guys!

The "I" Meme

2010-09-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

The lovely Ameya over at Wonder & Wander did this meme and I thought it would be fun to post here on my own blog. Stuff like this is sometimes a really great way to share things about yourself that you wouldn't normally write about. Without further ado, here's my version of the "I" meme.

{I AM …} always learning. Sometimes those lessons are painful, but most of the time they are beautiful.
{I WANT …} to find balance in myself, so that I may be able to find the calm within my storm. To create without the chaos and live without mediocrity.
{I HAVE …} many things to be thankful for, so I should stop letting the little things get in the way.
{I KEEP …} them alive through my memories and my legacy.
{I WISH I COULD …} find that balance. Balance is the key and I'm still looking.
{I HATE …} insults to my intelligence. Being seen only for my illnesses. Not being taken seriously.
{I FEAR …} being mediocre and leaving nothing behind.
{I HEAR …} the call... Sometimes I just can't answer.
{I DON’T THINK …} I can ever just be, no matter how much I want to.
{I REGRET …} that I don't always stand up for myself when I should. Sometimes putting your foot down is crucial.
{I LOVE …} my lover, my dog, my family, my books, my journal and my hooks.
{I CAN …} contribute a lot to the world, if I stop getting in my own way and allow myself to. (I'm stealing Ameya's answer because this is exactly what I was going to say.)
{I DANCE …} only when I'm really, really giddy. Or when I'm eating crab legs. :)
{I SING …} despite being slightly tone deaf.
{I NEVER …} say never.
{I RARELY …} forget.
{I CRY WHEN I WATCH …} (see) sea turtles, or really any type of turtle/tortoise, but mostly sea turtles. I'm not quite sure why, but it happens every single time. Turtles/tortoises were very special to me when I was younger, so perhaps I tie them to memories of my parents or something.
{I KNOW THAT …} I am supposed to do something really great and I believe that's through telling my story. I think that's why I'm still here to tell it.
{I HATE THAT …} I allow other people to get in my way so much, which I suppose is really letting myself get in my own way.
{I NEED …} to just do it. Stop thinking and do it.
{I SHOULD …} be working on my writing, but instead I sit here doing this.
{I BELIEVE …} that the person we become is not necessarily based on past events in our lives, but by how we choose to react to and move forward from such experiences. Too many people hold on to hurtful memories and allow them to destroy them from the inside out instead of finding not only peace, but strength from those experiences. I also believe there's so much left for me to do, to say and to change. I'm not nearly done yet.

OH HAPPY DAY!

2010-09-08T13:51:00.000-05:00

All I have to say can be said in three words -

I AM UNDETECTABLE!

What this means is that the amount of HIV in my blood is so low that it can no longer be detected by medical tests. It does not mean that I no longer have HIV (obviously, since there is no cure), but it means that I have significantly less risk of becoming ill because of the virus. Basically, it means that my medications are doing their jobs and is just about the best news someone like me could ask for.

I have only been undetectable once before in my life and it didn't last for very long, but hopefully with this new medication regimen that works through different receptors than all my previous medications it will last for a long, long time.

I knew I was feeling better because I have had more energy in the last month than I have had in YEARS. It amazes me that I went from "you're going to get sick" to being undetectable, especially in such a short amount of time. I am so unbelievably thankful for this new medication regimen and for my new doctor who has done more for me in the last couple months than my previous care had in years. Without her I don't know where I'd be right now.

Getting such wonderful news makes everything else in my life right now pale in comparison, but it also gives me more of a reason to make big changes in the stresses in my life and all the things/people that are toxic to my well being. To ensure that this wonderful state lasts as long as possible it's supremely important that I stick to the regimen and clear my life of all the unnecessarily troublesome and hurtful things/people. Time to say goodbye to all that nonsense and start living the way I'm meant to.

This is definitely a step in the right direction, and I hope things can only get better from here on out.

Messages From Myself To Myself

2010-08-29T17:23:00.000-05:00

It feels like it's been a very long time since I updated this blog, yet I still feel like I have very little to say to the wide world of the internet. I'm not sure what the world wants to hear, or if I even want to say much of anything right now. This happens when I'm on an upswing -- when I'm manic (generally, if I'm manic I cannot write because I cannot concentrate), or even just on a semi-even happy keel -- I lose my ability to create. I suppose that's the trade off, be happy and dried up creatively, or be mad and produce. I hate that more than I can even express, even when I can write.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy times like this. It seems like it's the only time I can be happy with being mediocre, average -- simple. I find joy in cooking and cleaning and reading and crocheting. I enjoy doing all my homemaker wifely duties and don't look for much outside of that. Until I lay down at night and then I remember my real goals and I feel like a failure for every day I didn't accomplish them.

It's like this struggle between wanting to be able to just find contentment in those small things and just enjoy my life without all these grandiose ideals, but at the same time I go to bed each night feeling like a failure because I am one day farther away from achieving the things I think I need to do to be successful. Is it really so ridiculous to have goals beyond just being a happy housewife? I suppose it only is when you allow your goals to hurt you more than they help you...

I desperately need to find a happy medium in being the happy housewife (which I really do enjoy) and achieving my writing goals. I think a great part of it is that I still haven't learned to accept that my muses come and go with the tides of my bipolar disorder. I am never going to be able to create every single day for the rest of my life like I seem to think I must. Just like all things in my life, it's a cycle, and just because I may not write like other writers, I am still a writer. Telling myself otherwise and pushing myself against immovable walls is untrue and gets me nowhere near success.

Welcome to the constant tug-of-war of my mind, and this is only in one small area. Ha!

An Original Poem.

2010-08-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

The Poles

There lays a Mist upon my mind,
Casts my thoughts all in a haze.
The coldness chokes all memories
Of good and splendid days.
Only leaving the terrible behind.

It swirls in shifting patterns,
Ones of hate and doubt and sickness.
It flows down deep and it coats my heart.
It strangles - the pressure of its bleakness,
So thick and leaden, it churns.

Transformation of person,
Sight is blurred by clouds.
No light or end or exit can be found,
All joy is cast beneath its shrouds.
Like quicksand, struggle only worsens.

A slip, a fall, a new revelation.
The Mist lifts of its own accord,
And at its chosen time.
Regardless how deeply it has moored,
Upon it's departure arrives Elation.

Thank the stars, for it has gone!
The world regained warmth and color,
The light seems here to stay!
Forget the Mist and all its danger,
Overlook the cycle wherein I am a pawn.

Bliss beyond compare,
Every sense is at its highest,
And the muses make their home.
Seeing entirely at once, all the while in blindness.
Beauty is personified and everything is fair.

A circle complete, again the Mist seeps.
Elation submits and starts its branching.
Sometimes faintly, sometimes loudly,
The insatiable lust of life adjourning,
But ever constant time it keeps.

Thus the turning, ever changing,
Yet predictable remaining.
The poles!
Sanity sometimes abstaining.
Repeating, complete, yet never paling.

- Roxie F. Prince
August 14, 2010.

Where the Sun Spreads Serenest...

2010-08-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

XXVIII--To S. C.

Blithe dreams arise to greet us,
And life feels clean and new,
For the old love comes to meet us
In the dawning and the dew.
O'erblown with sunny shadows,
O'ersped with winds at play,
The woodlands and the meadows
Are keeping holiday.
Wild foals are scampering, neighing,
Brave merles their hautboys blow:
Come! let us go a-maying
As in the Long-Ago.

Here we but peak and dwindle:
The clank of chain and crane,
The whir of crank and spindle
Bewilder heart and brain;
The ends of our endeavour
Are merely wealth and fame,
Yet in the still Forever
We're one and all the same;
Delaying, still delaying,
We watch the fading west:
Come! let us go a-maying,
Nor fear to take the best.

Yet beautiful and spacious
The wise, old world appears.
Yet frank and fair and gracious
Outlaugh the jocund years.
Our arguments disputing,
The universal Pan
Still wanders fluting--fluting -
Fluting to maid and man.
Our weary well-a-waying
His music cannot still:
Come! let us go a-maying,
And pipe with him our fill.

When wanton winds are flowing
Among the gladdening glass;
Where hawthorn brakes are blowing,
And meadow perfumes pass;
Where morning's grace is greenest,
And fullest noon's of pride;
Where sunset spreads serenest,
And sacred night's most wide;
Where nests are swaying, swaying,
And spring's fresh voices call,
Come! let us go a-maying,
And bless the God of all!

--W.E. HENLEY

I'm not dead guys, I promise. I am deeply sorry for a lack of updates recently. My writing has been suffering due to medication issues. As I mentioned in my last entry, I had yet another allergic reation, this time to Lamictal, that had me down and out for damn near two weeks. Thankfully, I have fully recovered from it and moved on to start a new cocktail of HIV medications.

Last Friday I started a Selzentry/Reyataz/Norvir combination that so far is going well! No signs of allergic reaction thus far and aside from a great deal of fatigue and a bit of nausea I am feeling pretty good on them. Sure, it's only been a couple of days, but as of now things are looking good! Thank goodness because I sure cannot handle another reaction and I really need this combination to work due to my dwindling medication options.

Selzentry is a whole new type of medication that I've never taken before in my life. I won't get into boring technical jargon here, but basically it works to block a different T-Cell receptor from the virus than previous medications have done. It is mostly prescribed to patients like me who've been on HIV treatment for extended periods of time and are no longer responding to treatment. The goal is that since this drug works entirely different than anything I've ever taken it will get my viral load to read undetectable. I've only been undetectable once in my life, so if it happens it will be beyond fantastic. Even so, if it just starts to lower the amount of virus in my blood it will be doing it's job.

Thankfully it's only 4 pills a day (1 Selzentry in the AM and 1 Selzentry, Reyataz and Norvir at night) and all of the pills are of relatively small size. Those are always giant pluses in the medication world! =D

It's still early on in the regimen, but keep your fingers crossed for me that this works. I need it to more than I can even express to you guys.

Some great things have happened to me as well lately!

First of all, through the miracle of Facebook I have gotten in touch with my long lost half brother! We were estranged (through no choice of our own) for our entire lives, so it was completely surreal and wonderful to find each other. Turns out, we lived 20 minutes away from each other all this time. I am so thankful to see that he has a beautiful family and is loved and happy. We have yet to meet face to face because of the medical things going on in my life, but hopefully one day really soon we will. I am absolutely thrilled to have him in my life and I hope to nurture a real, lasting relationship. Hopefully we can give each other pieces of our mother that we've both been missing our whole lives.

Secondly, and of far less importance, I finally got a Kindle! Now, if you know me, you know I am a reading machine. I read on average about 3 hours a day and finish at least 30 books a year. Imagine how quickly that piles books on my shelves! With this great little device I can hold over a thousand books right at the palm of my hand and get pretty much any book I want within seconds. This is a bookworm's DREAM! No more whining from JD that I'm taking up all our space with books. Ha!

I also got a really cute Audrey Kawasaki skin from Gelaskins and a soft case that is both beautiful and of the utmost craftsmanship from Borsa Bella. I'm absolutely spoiled I know, but man oh man, how I've wanted this gadget for ages! I swear, this thing is going to have to be surgically removed from my hands. :)

Of course, I have created a Kindle Wishlist (and am always adding new things to it), so I might as well put a link to it here, just for shits and giggles. Anything book/Kindle related is a constant source of joy in my world! :)

Finally, I want to say CONGRATULATIONS TO MY COUSIN SHAE ON HER ENGAGEMENT! I am so incredibly happy for you two! Here's to a lifetime of love and memories together. I love you!

I guess that's really all that's new in my world right now. I hope to get my writing back on track soon and have something original to post here aside from these boring "day in my life" entries. I hope all of you are happy and healthy!

The Sleeping Monster

2010-07-15T16:56:00.000-05:00

Rather than write a long arduous update about my most recent allergic reaction to Lamictal that was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life and made me want to die, I'd like to share my monster with you!

THE SLEEPING MONSTER

IT'S AWAKE!

Book & Short Story List For April - June 2010.

2010-07-02T17:42:00.000-05:00

It's time for the next installment of my book list for this year! =D

It may seem like I've done less reading over the last three months than I did from January - March, but the truth is, I've done more. Instead of a great many short stories I've been concentrating my efforts on the Sword of Truth novels by Terry Goodkind - series of 11 epic novels. I've enjoyed the novels immensely and will be sad when I've finished them all.

Once again, these may not be in chronological order since I sometimes don't add to the list until after I've read several things.

April - June 2010.

• New Moon by Stephanie Meyer

• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer

• The Lair of the White Worm by Bram Stoker

• Stone of Tears by Terry Goodkind

• Twlight: The Graphic Novel, Volume I by Stephanie Meyer and Young Kim

• The Amory Wars: The Second Stage Turbine Blade, Volume I by Claudio Sanchez, Mike Miller and Guz Vasquez

• The Amory Wars: The Second Stage Turbine Blade, Volume II by Claudio Sanchez and Gabriel Guzman

• "The White People" by Arthur Machen

• The Blood of the Fold by Terry Goodkind

• The House on the Borderland by William Hope Hodgson

• The Temple of the Winds by Terry Goodkind

• The Soul of the Fire by Terry Goodkind

• "Told After Supper" by Jerome K. Jerome

• The Thing from the Lake by Eleanor M. Ingram

• Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind

• The Pillars of Creation by Terry Goodkind

• "The Canterville Ghost" by Oscar Wilde

• "The Jolly Corner" by Henry James

• "The Jew's Breastplate" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Black Doctor" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Japanned Box" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Man With The Watches" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Beetle Hunter" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Brazilian Cat" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Terror of Blue John Gap" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Case of Lady Sannox" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The New Catacomb" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Leather Funnel" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The Horror of the Heights" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "Dracula's Guest" by Bram Stoker

• "The Judge's House" by Bram Stoker

• "The Scuaw" by Bram Stoker

• Naked Empire by Terry Goodkind

Health Update #4

2010-06-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

I hope you all aren't getting sick of these updates, especially since they're not real examples of my writing which was really the purpose of this blog. I feel I owe it to everyone who cares about me though to keep writing these posts until I get it all figured out.

I went to the doctor today thinking I was going to start a new set of HIV medications, but it turned out that for some reason neither I or Dr. Onorato understood, the lab was unable to get the results we needed from the test she ran to see if I can take the medication she has in mind. She ran the test to see if my virus is resistant to the potential medication. Since I've been positive for so long there's a chance I cannot take it. Since we didn't get the results we hoped for she took more blood today, both for the medication test and to obtain my current viral load and CD4 count. Basically, I went in just to get blood work done.

She said I'll have to come back in another two weeks (the 29th) and hopefully then I will start a new course of medications. In the meantime I have to be really careful not to get sick and she told me to go ahead and take my remaining Trizivir. Phew.

I guess this means I'll get another two weeks of freedom from adjusting to medications, but at the same time it's more waiting and more wondering. Really, I just want to get this whole mess situated and find the combination that works. And hopefully get my viral load undetectable. I've only been undetectable once, so it would be beyond fantastic to do it again.

As for the psychiatric part of my health, my psychiatrist put me on Trazodone (again) to hopefully get rid of my anxiety attacks. For the last three weeks or so I've been having panic attacks at least four or five times a week and the worst of all are the ones that wake me up in the middle of the night. I can handle the depression and mania that come with being bipolar (for the most part), but I absolutely cannot handle the anxiety attacks. They disrupt my life and make me miserable.

Unfortunately, I found out that Trazodone interacts with Norvir (Retonovir), one of the meds I will probably start for HIV. Balls. I guess it's okay though, because it hasn't really been helping the panic attacks like I need it to anyway.

I'd like to say thanks to my beautiful Aunt Pat for taking me to the doctor today in the raging heat. :) I love you, lady!

I promise to start posting more of my writing soon. With all that's been going on I haven't been putting pen to paper as much as I'd like to, so I'm going to make more time for that. Writing is my ultimate therapy, so I need to do it as much as possible. Journaling is one thing, but turning out something worthy to be read by other eyes is just about the best feeling in the world.

Dear Momma

2010-06-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Momma,

I remember you today. I wish though, that I could remember you healthy instead of only vague memories of you during your battle. I wish I could remember the scent of your hair or the sound of your laugh. I wish even more I could remember your love.

On days like today, I try to imagine what you would look like. Would you still be the skinny, petite little thing you were? Would your hair be grey? I am most certain you would still have your sparkling crystal blue eyes and a smile that spreads through everyone around you. Those things could never fade with age.

I cannot even begin to imagine what the last years of your life were like. What must have been going through your head and what fears you had to face. You were so strong and always so beautiful. Through it all, you never lost your grace. Just as you were throughout your life - a kind, loving, genuine soul who never ceased to find a reason to smile - you were so in death. You fought long and extremely hard to stay here for me and Cody. You refused to let go until you were assured we would be safe, loved and well cared for. I can only hope that I will be as valiant and elegant in my own battle.

I wonder what you would think of your daughter today. I know, at the end of your life, you probably had little hope that I was not going to follow you soon after. Back then, there was not much hope for someone like me, like us. I bet you would be surprised that I have lived and thrived for 18 years since and I have no doubt that you would be thrilled.

Would you be proud of the woman I have become? I'm sure there would be things you'd wish I'd done differently or made different choices in, but I hope that overall you would be proud to call me your daughter. I hope too that you would love the man I've chosen just as much as I do and that you would be pleased to call him your son.

It breaks my heart when I think of all the things we have missed out on in each other's lives. Mostly, it's the little things, like not being able to come to you for advice and a mothers hug, or not having you there to support me in the milestones of my life. I hate the most that I do not know that feeling of a mother's love. I have no comprehension of what a mother/daughter relationship is truly like and for that, I feel supremely robbed.

For my entire life, I have felt a deep sense of loneliness that I have only recently realized comes from your absence. I would never blame you, for I know you were just as much a victim of life's cruelty as I was. Only, you feel no pain now.

If I could have one true wish in life, I would wish to know, to remember, that feeling. I think my soul would be more complete if I could. Sometimes the pain from that wish takes the breath from my lungs. Every day, I feel the emptiness. Of all that I have lost in my life, I think that is the most important thing. The one thing that trumps all others - not knowing a mother's love.

I wish too, that I could know you. Truly know you. I have been told a great deal about you, but I was never allowed the chance to know you myself. I want to know who you were. What your dreams were. Your regrets. I wish you could tell me stories of your life. Of your first kiss, your biggest fears and funniest moments. I would like to know all about your life's adventures. You only lived for 37 years, but I wish you could recount those years for me in your own words. There's so much about you I do not know.

I would be delighted to hear all about you and Dad's love story. All the ups and downs included because I know there were a great deal of both. I have and treasure a box of your letters to each other and it always lifts my heart to read of your love, so I can only imagine the joy of hearing it from you. I do not know if you two would still be together today, but I do know I would enjoy nothing more than to hear of my parents' romance.

I'd also like to be told of your childhood, your teen years and your first marriage. I'd want to know of both my brothers who have never been in my life. I'd ask you what it was like to lose, to leave, your children. I know it was your one true regret in life, what happened with Sonny and Daniel. I wish I could tell you that you're forgiven and ease that burden in your heart, but I cannot speak for them, only for myself. I can only assure you that I have, but I wish I knew the full, true story.

Momma, I miss you. I miss you and I need you more than I can even put words to. I wish we had more time. Hell, I wish we could have even one more day. Today I remember you and despite all the pain inside of me, I am joyous to have come from you. Thank you for giving me life and for loving me, if for only seven years. I miss you and love you endlessly.

Health Update #3.

2010-06-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

The last week and a half has been absolutely insane. Things are finally starting to return to normal, so I'm enjoying it until next week (the 15th) when I get to start the whole thing over again when I start yet another new round of HIV medications that will hopefully work for me without turning into the fiasco of this last combination.

I thought it was going to work out well because after the initial week I wasn't feeling too bad on them aside for some dizziness and nausea, but sure enough, ten days after starting the meds (Sunday) I woke up covered head to toe in a rash. I am allergic to TONS of medication (pretty much every antibiotic and about a million other HIV meds I've taken in the past), so I knew immediately that I was reacting to the medications and not some other outside stimuli. We had gone to Schiltterbahn the day before, so there was a bit of wondering if maybe I was reacting to either sunscreen or something in the water, but I knew deep down that it was the meds.

Unfortunately, it was Memorial Day weekend, so I couldn't get in to see the doctor until that Tuesday. In that time my fever reached 102.3 and 103 degrees, so we got really scared. I was delirious and feeling absolutely horrible. Thankfully, my doctor got me in as quick as possible and confirmed that yes, I was reacting to the medications. We think it's was the Isentress. She said that the sunlight might have exacerbated the reaction, but that it was definitely the meds and nothing else. She gave me a Solu Medrol injection and put me on a taper pack of steroids to get rid of the rash.

She also did some more blood work to find out if I can take another type of HIV medications. She said that with me being positive for so long there is a good chance I won't be able to take them because the virus will be too smart for it, but it might be my next option. Until then, I am on absolutely no HIV medications for the next two weeks. I have to be extremely careful not to get sick while I'm not on any medication, so for the time being, I am taking it really easy to hopefully insure nothing will go wrong in the meantime.

Here it is, a solid week later and the rash is just now finally starting to disappear. We joked about how I looked like I had "plague legs" the whole week. JD said I looked like his little zombie girl. Horrible. And of course, it's hot as hell here in Houston and this last week was the boys' graduation, so the entire family came down and I couldn't wear shorts or skirts to be comfortable and I not only looked like I had the plague, but I've been swollen as all get out from the steroids. I've been absolutely miserable.

Within the last three or so days, the steroids have caused my gums to be inflamed and extremely painful. Just eating a banana hurts so badly. Brushing my teeth is like torture. I described it to someone as the inside of my mouth is complete hell. Hopefully, over the course of the next couple of days the inflammation will go down and the pain will subside. Also, my glands underneath my jaw are swollen and painful, so I'm hoping that too is a reaction to the steroids and not anything I need to worry about while I'm not on any medication. All I know for sure is that I am absolutely sick of dealing with all this.

Like I said, I will start the whole thing over next week, but hopefully I will be able to tolerate the next round of drugs and I won't react like this again. Gosh, I hope so because I don't think I can handle doing this again.

My mental state is definitely not good at the moment. My anxiety is through the roof. I guess it's from all the stress and the stimulation as of late. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. Thankfully, the doctor gave me some anti-itch medication that also is prescribed to calm people before and after surgery, so that's helped a little bit, but not nearly enough. I see the psychiatrist on Thursday and believe you me, I'll be talking to him about the panic attacks because they, especially the ones that wake me up in the middle of the night, are something I absolutely cannot deal with.

Thank you to all of you who have called/texted/emailed me over the last two weeks to check on my well being. I don't know what I would do without the support of all of you. I love you and am so blessed to have you all in my life.

The Why Behind The How

2010-05-26T20:09:00.000-05:00

I have lived 25 years of excellent health with HIV. Since my birth, I have always been an amazing anomaly - a miracle child that teams upon teams of doctors couldn't figure out. Perhaps that accounts for my failure to truthfully see the possibility of AIDS... I've always known it would most likely be my future, but it has always seemed like such a distant chance. I have lived my life believing that if I didn't allow that reality to wallow around in my mind and muddle up my emotions it didn't have the power that it wanted to. Essentially, if I believed I was going to get sick I would, and secretly, I've contributed part of my good health to just that belief. I have never been ungrateful for the years of health I've had, in fact, I actively celebrate each year, but I've never been able to honestly see myself with AIDS. Logically, I know that AIDS is, and always has been, the most probable ending to my life, but only recently have I truly faced the reality of it all.

When I last saw my doctor and she laid it on the line that I either change my medications or I get sick, it was like a punch to the gut. When she said that I am either resistant to or allergic to more than half the page of medications on the market it was sincerely mind melting. It was, and still sort of is, so hard to wrap my brain around that if this medication cocktail doesn't work I will have very few options left to me. What happens if I run out of combinations? Am I just completely and totally fucked? This seems both surreal and terrifying.

But it's real to me now. What if these medications fail me too? What if the side effects prove too awful for me to continue them? What if I turn out to be resistant to them too? What if I have no options?

Once, my semi-father in law told me I needed to make a living will. When he said it I was taken aback for a moment. I don't think of myself as dying. I'm sure there are people that do, but I don't feel like I'm dying. Yet, all that has been going on with me recently has kind of scared me into wondering if that seriously is something I need to look into. No way, I'm only 25! I don't need a living will! Or do I?

Just a couple of weeks ago, my brother showed me the Bible our dad had left for him. He had written a passage in the inside cover about who he was and how this Bible helped him through hard times in his life and had been his sanctuary in a time filled with nothing but obstacles and pain. He said that he wished his Bible be bequeathed to his son, Cody, so that he may find the same solace inside. He then wrote a dedication to my brother telling him that both he and our momma loved him very much, how he was a fine boy and how he wanted Cody to know that if he ever found himself needing guidance in his life to turn to those pages and he would find his way. Neither Cody or I are Christian, but the emotions behind his words are no less powerful. It was written in June of 1991. My dad didn't die till February 1995.

I cried, from deep inside my wounded heart, after reading it. I cried not only for my four year old orphaned brother, or for myself, but mostly for my father who years before his death was already accepting it and leaving things behind. It saddens me in a profoundly sharp way to think of my father sitting in his study or in his bed contemplating how he was going to leave his children behind. Back in 1991 there was no help for you if you had the AIDS virus - it was a death sentence. My dad never got to see the day when someone could live 25 years with it.

I am scared that with the way my health is going right now I might be in the same position before I know it.

I have never told anyone that I'm afraid of getting sick. I guess they probably figure I am, but I'm so used to being the so stoically strong that it seems almost blasphemy that I should admit fear. I watched as my parents wasted away to nothing, so much so that my dad didn't even recognize his own children at the end, but imagining myself in their position is not what truly scares me. The truth is, I'm not scared of getting sick, meaning all the awful things that would happen to me bodily. Yeah, it makes my heart pound to think of myself rotting in some hospital bed too weak to even wipe my own ass, watching the people I love the most finding ways to let me go, but my real fear lies in dying before I've left my mark, in the way I want to leave it. I am afraid of dying before I've completed what I believe I am here to do - to write and to tell my story.

Maybe I'm seeing this through an awfully negative filter. Sure, it's possible that these medications could be a miracle cocktail able to get my virus to an undetectable level and make me the healthiest I've been in years. They could add years upon years to my life. Since I've changed doctors and am getting more comprehensive care, it is entirely possible I could have caught things before they get really bad and completely reverse the path the virus is on now. That is the most ideal situation, but I think it's really important that I face the fact the exact opposite can happen. I need to confront that possibility and prepare myself just in case my life takes that fork. That way, it won't be as much of a shock and I will be able to handle it as deftly as possible. And I see my writing in a new, more important and vital light.

If anything, this whole thing proves that we all don't have as much time as we think we do, so it's crucial to do the things you want to do without delay and fear of what ifs. Even if this isn't my time to get sick, it is time for me to accomplish my life's goals because I might not get another chance. I need to focus on my writing and on telling my story and not on the obstacles in the way because I have faced some of the biggest ones already.

My dad always told me I was going to grow up to be a writer, how he knew is beyond me, but he did, and on his death bed he asked that our story be told. As an ode to my father's life, and even more so to my own, I will be the one to do it, and this recent scare has just set this desire in overdrive. It's time and it's happening. Hopefully in another 25 years I'll be able to look back on the memoirs and novels I've published and remember this time as one of the biggest obstacles of all, but one I made it through, just like all the others.

Health Update #2.

2010-05-20T19:00:00.000-05:00

[Click to view larger.]

I had my follow up visit with my doctor today to discuss the results of my blood work and MRI. There was good news, and bad news.

The good news is that my MRI came back fine. The "spot" that used to be on my brain is no longer there and there seems to be nothing to worry about. They did make note of some "benign lesions" on both sides of my brain, but they are nothing to worry about and are most likely caused by the HIV. I was much relieved to find out things are okay on that front.

The not so good news is that my viral load (the amount of virus in my blood) is way, way too high and that the virus has become resistant to my medication, Trizivir. I knew that my viral load was much higher than I would like it to be and that there was resistance, but my former clinic never made an issue of it. I have been on Trizivir for about seven years, so it has definitely had a good run, but I am not keen on giving it up because I have had MASSIVE reactions to the majority of other drugs throughout my life and Trizivir has been extremely kind to me in that aspect.

Talking to Dr. Onorato today though, it became extremely clear that if I didn't make changes to my medication regimen there could be really, really bad consequences (i.e. getting sick). As much as it pains me and scares me to start new medications, it's time. :(

She put me on Norvir, Isentress, and Reyataz. All in all, it means I will go from one pill twice a day to four pills total - one in the morning and three at night. Still not that bad compared to the 75 pills I was taking at one point in my life. Since the majority of the pills will be at night I think I can handle it since I will be able to sleep through most of the side effects. I do NOT have a bright history with cocktail style regimens throughout my life. All my past medications have had such extreme side effects that I did not take them as directed and all that nonsense (that's an understatement, ask my aunt). It's amazing I'm still alive with my record. Trizivir was a blessing.

The picture at the top of this entry is a list of HIV medications. The ones circled in red are the ones I will start next week or so when they arrive at my pharmacy. The blue is what I've become resistant to (actually I am unable to take that whole list under "Nucleoside/Nucleotide Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitors"), and the checked ones are ones I've taken in the past.

I am extremely nervous about starting the Norvir (Retonavir) because I have taken that before. Back in the days before Trizivir it was a cocktail of six or seven Norvir in conjunction with some others. The Norvir were about an inch long, were gelcaps and had to be refrigerated. They tasted horrible and made me feel like walking death. I was constantly nauseated, I couldn't walk from class to class because I was so weak, I had to carry water with me everywhere, and my lips/face were completely numb. Needlesstosay, I wasn't on it for very long.

I explained all this to my doctor and she said that since I will now be only taking ONE Norvir instead of six or seven that I shouldn't react so badly to it. I went to get it filled today at the pharmacy and was ecstatic when they gave me a small pill bottle with relatively little (about the size of an elongated penny) room temperature tablets. I immediately shouted, "I LOVE YOU, SCIENCE!" and felt almost confident about this change when I saw that my most dreaded adversary had been vastly improved. I went from having a panic attack to feeling somewhat good about the whole thing.

For the last few months I've been having near constant mouth sores. It sucks because not only can I not eat, brush my teeth, drink or even swallow without pain, I cannot kiss JD. Every time I would get one sore to heal another would come and I am entirely sick of it. I explained this to my doctor and she said that it's all cause by my extremely high viral load. I should have known that because mouth sores are extremely common in HIV/AIDS patients. She gave me a dental paste to help heal the one I have now and said that once we get my blood counts stabilized (and hopefully undetectable) the sores should stop. I sure as hell hope so because I am fucking sick of being in pain all the time and I want to kiss my lover!

So in short, I shall start a new medication regimen sometime next week, so please keep your fingers crossed for me that this change won't be a battle of trial and error as it has been in the past. I honestly don't know if I can handle that, but it seems it's necessary for me to maintain my quality of life (and improve it) that I will have to. Hopefully, this cocktail will work for me without too many side effects because I am pretty limited in the amount of drugs I can try and in my patience.

Thank you all for all your continued support and love. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Lack of Concentration = Frustration.

2010-05-17T18:57:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping I can even write this blog entry because lately I cannot concentrate on anything. I know that's part of being bipolar, but it drives me absolutely insane. Since I cannot concentrate on anything I cannot accomplish anything and it's creating a lot of self loathing.

I have my whole day to myself and under usual circumstances, even when I'm depressed sometimes, I can start and finish at least one project every day. Lately, I've not been able to finish any. Even reading is too much for my brain to handle right now. Not only can I not concentrate, everything seems to be rubbing me raw, as if my nerves are being grated with sandpaper. No matter what I'm setting out to do I can only do it for a few minutes at a time without either completely losing interest or without getting absolutely annoyed at whatever I'm doing. Usually, it's just that I plain cannot maintain a train of thought for more than a few minutes at a time. The only thing that I've been able to do is journal and only because I'm babbling about anything that comes into my head. I've not written anything of substance in at least a week. I cannot even watch TV without drifting off into Nothing Land.

I don't know if perhaps I am in the midst of a mixed episode (those are the times when I've lost concentration like this before) or if something else is going on. It is not for lack of motivation. Hell, I am actually super motivated to get things done, but I just can't find the mental capacity to do it. What the hell?

I'm hoping that if I set a set of daily (who am I kidding, weekly) goals it will be easier for me to get things done each day.

Tomorrow I will try to -

Write at least 1,000 words.

Read at least 5 chapters.

Practice guitar for at least 30 minutes.

Listen to at least 3 chapters of my audiobook.

Do my yoga DVD and ride my bike if the weather permits.

If time allows I will play WoW for at least 2 levels.

If I can accomplish at least one of these things tomorrow I will be satisfied. I will not be happy, but I'll be satisfied because it will be vastly better than I've been doing for at least the last two weeks. By not being able to accomplish even one of these simple things each day, I am beating myself up and getting so very frustrated with myself.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. I mean, I am on SSI because I cannot always function at top capacity, but it still makes me angry. Especially when I desire to get these things done so much. I feel like a complete and total failure, which in turn will make me depressed.

Where is the happy medium here, where I can both be motivated and find the mental capacity to get the things I want to do done? I don't know what to do, but I do know that I cannot go on like this for much longer. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, but I feel absolutely good for nothing. I need my brain back.

Health Update

2010-05-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

I have some really great news concerning my health care.

For the last five or so years I have been going to a clinic in downtown Houston to get my HIV and psychiatric treatment. Prior to being at the clinic I was seen at Texas Children's for nearly my entire life. Since my parents are deceased, I received Social Security until I turned 19. Once I turned 19 I had no insurance. At that point I started my fight to get SSI. To make a long story short, I was denied SSI three times and was forced to use county health care and start going to the clinic.

At first, it was okay at that clinic because I was still sort of under the care of Texas Children's doctors under the clinic's "youth program" until I turned 24. Once I turned 24 things started going down hill.

I felt like I wasn't being heard, either by my HIV doctors or my psychiatrist. They never really listened to anything I had to say. It was like I went in there, said hello, they talked to me for like 5 minutes and then gave me prescriptions. I sat in the clinic for over 6 hours each time just to see a doctor for all of 10 minutes.

Aside from that, when I would call the clinic to get a prescription refill, to schedule/reschedule an appointment, etc. and I would only get an answering machine and never a returned call. I was treated like a number and it really seemed like I was not a priority since I still have HIV rather than AIDS. I have had 25 years of relatively good health. I don't want to push it and I deserve good health care before my health fails. On the other end, when I was feeling suicidal or just plain out of control with my bipolar disorder I couldn't get an appointment within that week to see my psychiatrist; it would take months to get an appointment. By then, I didn't always need to see her.

Thankfully, last May I finally was awarded SSI and Medicaid. I still continued to go to the clinic, but was getting more and more frustrated with each visit.

Since I don't drive I have to use the Medicaid taxi service to get to my appointments. I realize that beggars can't be choosers, but it's a little ridiculous when 2 out of 3 times the taxi wouldn't show up on time to deliver me to my appointments and I'd have to try to reschedule through the shitty answering machine system at the clinic. Also, the last time I took the taxi I got stuck at the clinic until nearly 7PM (the clinic closes at 4) and I got kicked off the premises and had to walk three blocks to a Subway restaurant, by myself, in the ghetto of downtown Houston in the dark with no way to defend myself and wait until JD got out of work to pick me up. I was absolutely terrified and I knew I needed to find a different place to receive care. All these cons kept adding up.

The final straw was when I called to set up a psych appointment and they informed me that my doctor had left without saying a damn word. They didn't call me to let me know anything and it infuriated me. Sure, I didn't particularly like my psychiatrist because she never took the time to actually get to know me or took an interest in my bipolar disorder. She just handed me pills and sent me on my way, but I still would have appreciated a call. They informed me that I would have to start as a new patient with a new doctor at the clinic.

Screw that.

I decided at that point to find out if there was anywhere closer to Pasadena that I could receive both psychiatric and HIV treatment. I knew that not all HIV patients in the Houston area go to that clinic. There had to be other options.

First, I decided to find a new psychiatrist. I got extremely lucky that there was one right near my house that treats bipolars. I had my first visit a couple weeks ago and I was so pleasantly surprised. The doctor was so thorough and incredibly kind and concerned. He listened to me, shared parts of his life and made me feel like I was more than just a number, but a real person with a mental illness. I feel so confident that this will work out so wonderfully. He said he would never just up and leave me like my previous doctor and he has an emergency line and all that good stuff that I never had access to before.

As for my HIV treatment, I decided to try to go to an appointment I already had scheduled before totally abandoning the clinic. I got up and ready for my appointment at 11AM. I waited and waited and waited for the ride I scheduled a week prior. Finally, at 10:50AM the taxi guy called me and told me I would be "extremely late". The clinic will not see me if I'm late, so yet again I had to miss an appointment.

I spent that day calling my Medicaid insurance people 50 times finding my HIV treatment options. I called probably 15 places before finally landing on a primary care provider in Pasadena and an infectious disease specialist in Webster, not very far from my home. I had my first appointments on the 5th & 6th and man, oh man, I was so thrilled!

The clinics were clean, the staff at each clinic was respectful and speedy, and the doctors were everything I could have wanted. I was given a full exam by the MD in Pasadena - palpating my stomach, looking down my throat and into my eyes, all that good stuff - for the first time in AGES. I cannot even remember the last time the clinic did that.

The infectious disease specialist was even better. She listened to me for close to an hour, never once making me feel like I was whining and taking up her precious time like I had always felt in the past. They do all their labs in house and will call me and discuss my viral load and CD4 count each time the results come in. The clinic never once did that. In fact, I'm not even sure what my last lab work looked like. I was so incredibly pleased with her and her practice. My appointment was at 9AM and I was in and out with a complete exam and discussion by 9:59AM! What?! I was used to my appointments being an all day ordeal!

I am so, so happy and I really think this is going to be much better. I feel like I will be getting the kind of treatment I deserve, like I used to receive at Texas Children's. I am more than a number and I am important before I develop AIDS. I am almost in tears thinking about how much better this is going to be for me. I am so thankful and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I've finally found a solution and can leave that damned clinic in the dust.

Thank you to all of you for always supporting me. I love you.

Memoir Explaination.

2010-04-26T16:01:00.000-05:00

I realized that I haven't really explained what I'm doing with my memoir pieces here. Basically, I am choosing to post only portions of my memoirs on this blog. What I mean by portions is that they are not the complete version of each memoir piece. They are generally shortened parts of the whole of the first drafts of each larger work.

I have chosen to do this for a couple of reasons. First, because I don't want to put out the entire finished work (as I complete them) because if I do that, why would I want to publish them as a book? By only posting portions, I hope it will entice you all to want to read them in their entirety when they are published. Secondly, I hope that by giving my readers little bits of my life every couple of weeks, I am building a relationship with those is interested in my story. Finally, it allows me to hopefully get feedback (not always positive) on my writing style allowing me to find the best way to accomplish my goals.

I believe that the best and easiest way for me to do just that, is to focus on one memory/topic at a time. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to wrap your mind around telling your entire life story! It's very easy to get overwhelmed. Once I've completed every part, I can then go back and combine them into the entire work. Make sense?

I have always believed that the reason I have continued to survive 25+ years with HIV is to tell the world my story. For some strange reason, I knew that 2010 was the year to start seriously working on it. I'm sure it will take far beyond just this year to finish the task; hell, it's taken me 25 years just to find the words to start doing it, but completing my memoirs will be my life's work and my contribution to the world as a whole. That's why I'm still here. I know it.

I greatly appreciate everyone who follows my life here on this blog and through sayhedgehog.com. Thank you for taking an interest in my life and in my story. I hope that by sharing the lives of myself and the struggles of my parents I can make even a small difference in the way you view your life. That's all I can hope for by doing what I'm meant to do.

A Negative Fantasy

2010-04-23T17:34:00.000-05:00

A Negative Fantasy

Ever since I was a little girl, I have often entertained a fantasy which brings me both great joy and great pain. Usually, it's when I'm in the shower washing my hair or shaving my legs - when I can allow my brain to run free. I imagine learning I am not really HIV positive.

I envision not that I am one day cured, but that I have never been positive to begin with. Instead, it has been something like a long running conspiracy between all the doctors I've seen over my lifetime. Maybe my brother and I have served as a case study of some sort. Perhaps it was to study how children orphaned by AIDS live their lives, or maybe to see the way that one positive person would live compared to their negative sibling. Maybe it's all about testing medications and has nothing to do with anything psychological. It's no matter though, because I don't give that element of the fantasy a lot of thought. It isn't the important part to me.

I imagine going to get an AIDS test with a pseudonym at a clinic that has never seen me and finding out that the past 25 years have been a lie. I am healthy. There is no human immunodeficiency virus making it's home in my body and killing me in the process.

Then the emotions start flowing. Initially, I am blissfully ecstatic, willing to completely forgive everyone involved and all of the pain and hardship I have suffered throughout my life without a second thought. I am in heaven because for the first time I am a normal, healthy person.

A normal, healthy person.

As soon as those words enter my mind the fear takes over. I don't know how to not be sick. Living with HIV and all that comes with it is all I've ever known. How do I live as a healthy person? All of the obstacles which have always been in my way have suddenly been removed. As exhilarating and freeing as it is, it is also immensely terrifying. My entire world has been turned upside down.

I become ashamed of my fear, of my instinct to hold onto the virus that not only killed my parents, but has controlled my life and caused more pain than I can even describe. Perhaps it's like Stockholm's Syndrome, wherein a victim comes to identify and even empathize with their attacker. Either way, it is shameful and confusing.

Without HIV who would I be? HIV/AIDS has helped to shape every aspect of my life down to my very personality. Without the virus' touch on my life I would most likely be an entirely different person, living a life I can only begin to imagine. I'm not sure I would have the strength of mind to live that life. To no longer be hindered by the things I've always been told about my health and my abilities. Would I be able to stand up and be the person that life would need me to be? I like to think that I would have more than enough inside of me to embrace that life with open arms, but I'm not sure. I guess it's human nature to be nearly horrified to start a life so very different from the one you've always known.

Every time I step into this fantasy, I end up in tears. It evokes feelings from every part of my emotional gambit. It's sweet, shameful, scary and oh so desirable all at the same time. If have it in me to find forgiveness and live without bitterness about my life with HIV, why don't I have the ability to want to be rid of it and embrace a new, normal, healthy life?

Perhaps feeling guilty and inadequate is the price to pay for allowing such ridiculous and impossible notions into my head. My life and health is what it is. It is no conspiracy and no one's fault. As much as I fantasize about it being different I accept the truth - I am HIV+ and I most likely always will be. As crazy as it sounds, there's comfort in that, meaning that I don't have to face an unknown life. I get the one I've always prepared for. I've had 25 years to brace for the possibility of getting sick; I've never had to think about it being gone and living free of it all. I will always maintain hope that one day a cure will be found, but if it doesn't, I'm okay with that.

Still, I'd like to know that I am capable of living a life without the virus and I like to tickle myself imagining all the things I could do and hope for once I found the strength.

The Dam(n)ed Depression.

2010-04-14T12:25:00.000-05:00

"I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense." – Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife.

I'm not dead, although part of me feels as if it is.

It's extremely difficult for me to write about my struggles with mental illness. Not only because of how convoluted it is inside me (there seem to be no words to sufficiently describe its make up), but because I find it hard to swallow my pride and admit my limitations to a world that sees mental illness as weakness. No one ever condemns me when I'm feeling physically ill due to HIV, but if I even make a hint at being mentally tortured and it's all airs of "suck it up". As if it's something I can control. It's just as real and in some ways even more debilitating than HIV. Since there is so little understanding accompanying madness, I tend to keep it inside me, only writing in private places of the darkness inside my head. I realize now though, that for me to truly tell me story I have to find the strength (and the words) to write about every part of me, even the parts I (and society) struggle most with accepting. Bipolar disorder is with me every minute of every day, has forged so much of who I am, affects every decision and action I make, so leaving it out would be leaving out most of myself, and that's just not possible.

I am most certainly not my mental illness, but it is a part of me, just as my kindness, humor and artistry are. There is so much more to me than being either HIV+ or bipolar, but they are both parts of my whole. To leave any of it out isn't true to my story.

They say that the most gifted people are so because of mental illness. That both depression and mania are the creators of art. I know this to be true, and as I am with so many aspects of madness, I both hate and revel in it. What tortures me and sometimes seems to choke the creativity right out of me, can at other times, send the gift pouring out of me, as if it were a broken water pipe, spewing words quicker than I can pen. Perhaps, it's the price to pay for greatness - being mad. And perhaps I have to learn to embrace the depression to make it work in my advantage, but it's so hard to welcome something so painful.

My best friend Carolyn (who is also bipolar and my rock) asked me once if I would rather live a tortured life, much like Hemingway, and produce great works yet eventually succumb to my own derangement, or if I could settle for stability and normalcy. That is my biggest struggle. I cannot bear the thought of being mediocre, of being normal. Just the thought makes me feel like the very life is being strangled out of me, yet at the same time I have a hard time stomaching living in a perpetual state of chaos. I suppose though, that the truth is, it's an easier pill to swallow being tortured than never being great. I know, and have always known, that the reason for my continued survival is to do something monumental, something lasting, and I believe that will be achieved through my writing. Perhaps it's the textbook definition of mania, delusions of grandeur, but I have to try.

That's precisely why I am drowning in my own failure right now. I'm in the midst where my madness chokes the inspiration right out of me. Locks me away from my muses and turns my ability to concentrate into nothing. My mind (and soul) is parched from the thirst to create and yet my words are right in front of me, just out of my grasp.

When I cannot find my words, I feel as though my very essence withers. I know this is the time in my life for my true literary gifts to blossom, but the darkness of depression has dammed it inside me. I have been unable to concentrate on anything but reading for extended periods of time in the last few weeks. My journal is filled with nothing but rambling babbles of an empty mind, when in fact, my mind is far from empty (it's brimming!), but it cannot flow.

I must find a way to break through soon because until I can write again, I cannot breathe and I cannot live if I cannot breathe.

To My Brother, Zack.

2010-03-25T16:10:00.000-05:00

I have been struggling over this piece for over a month. I just cannot write something about my short relationship with my late brother Zack and his untimely death. I have written several different drafts and trashed them all. I do not know if it is because the details of his life and death are so fragmented and vague inside my head, or if it’s just because my emotions are unclear, but this has certainly proved my hardest endeavor yet. I fear that until I put something out there for readers I cannot move forward with my writing, so even though this is not complete, nor is it something I’m content with, I will post it. I can always come back to it at a later date, but until it’s out there I fear I cannot carry on.

With that said, here it is.

1:40AM
March 19, 2010.

I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you.

I’m sorry that I have made you a villain inside my own head and out loud to the few who would listen. You were my brother and I’m sorry I failed to understand.

You only graced my life, physically, for four years, but hardly anyone has affected it so deeply. When I first heard your name from Dad I was eight years old and I couldn’t grasp that you were real - that I had a flesh and blood brother, 10 years my senior, in some distant town completely unaware of my existence. My family was just us - me, Dad and Cody, and Momma too, but she had already left us. I understood Dad’s words, your name, Zachariah, but not that you were a real person.

I will always remember when you first became concrete in my mind. It was the eighth grade, in the midst of my Hanson obsession. I came home from school that day and true to my nosey self, checked our voicemail.

“Hi! This is Zack calling...” Immediately, my mind went to the youngest of the Hanson brothers, the then love of my life and my heart nearly leapt from my chest. Then you said, “Zack Prince. I’m the son of Steve Prince. I got your number from our grandparents in Illinois. I have been searching for you for a long time..”

Then you were real.

When you first came to meet us, I was resentful of your immediate openness to call us family. Admittedly, I was not used to such affection. I was your “Sissy” from the get go and that frightened me. I felt that you were failing to look before you leapt. Where were you when Dad was dying? I was I your Sissy then?

I failed to gather that you had lived in the same ignorance I had when I first heard your name. You were unaware of our existence. You didn’t even know Dad was your father until it was too late. You couldn’t have been there because we weren’t real to you then.

For the next four years I got to know you with your kind and contagious laugh, all your tattoos and your sense of humor that so mirrored my own. I saw Dad in you. Even though you were never given the opportunity to meet him you, were so much like him. Not only physically, with the same telling eyes, but in personality too. Funny, smart and a charming people person. Both you and Dad could draw the attention of strangers who would then open up to you as if you were an old friend. You said you never got to know him, but he was inside of you the whole time.

When you left us it was earth shattering. None of us expected it, although maybe we should have.

I knew you were changed when I saw you that April. I knew Stewart had broken your heart, but I could also see that something in your very core had altered. Sure, you cracked the same lame jokes and tried to smile your contagious smile, but the light behind your eyes had dulled. You were quieter and you were distracted.

I’m sorry for my reaction to your death. I’m sorry I got angry - that I blamed you. Mostly I’m sorry I didn’t understand.

I cannot lie, I still hurt that you chose to end it while Cody was visiting you. He had already known so much pain in his short little life. Everyone who was ever suppose to care for him had abandoned him through death, and you were just the next. Remembering him alone there with you after you had slipped into unconsciousness, scared and isolated, still infuriates me to the point of trembling.

I know now though, the darkness that had consumed you. I did not understand then why, how, you could hurt yourself, especially while Cody was in your charge. I thought it meant you did not love us as you said you did. I thought you were a liar.

I’m sorry, Zack. I know know that you were a prisoner to the pain in your heart and the voices in your head. Whether it truly was suicide, or the accident I like to believe it was, it wasn’t really my brother who made the decision. Not really my brother who failed to take the time to think of us that loved him. It was the choking darkness.

I forgive you for your mistakes. I continue to love you and imagine our lives had the darkness not won out. I only hope that wherever you are, you forgive mine too.

The End.

Beautiful Day for a 365!

2010-03-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

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I have never done this before since my 365 Project is here, but I liked all the pictures I took today, so I thought I might as well share them all!

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Today has been a gorgeous day! I loved sitting out in the sun reading and journaling. I needed the sunshine more than I realized, I think. The grass was cool and the sun was warm - what a great way to relax!

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(I've already made it halfway through my journal in just one month! Wowie!)

Even the dogs seemed to want to bask in the glorious day!

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I hope you got to bask in the sunshine today too and if you didn't that you at least got to do something for yourself to feed your soul. <3

Remember, love is.

Book & Short Story List for January - March 2010

2010-03-16T17:48:00.000-05:00

I’ve started keeping a list of all the books and short stories I’ve read in 2010. I don’t know why I never did this before! I read a great deal and I really like the idea of keeping record of it all. That way I cannot forget anything and can even go back and reread things if I so desire. I have also decided to include audiobooks because I listen to them nightly to fall asleep and absorbing literature is absorbing literature.

Anyway, here’s my list for the first three months of 2010. I know March isn’t over, so there’s room for additions here, and they are not necessarily in the correct chronological order because often times I forget to add them to the list until days later.

January - March 2010.

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

"The Beast with Five Fingers" by William F. Harvey

"Captain Murder" by Charles Dickens

"The Doom that Came to Sarnath" by H.P. Lovecraft

"A Dreadful Night" by Edwin Lester Arnold

"The Japan Box" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"The Mark of the Beast" by Rudyard Kipling

"The Mother and the Dead Child" by Hans Andersen

"The Terrible Old Man" by H.P. Lovecraft

"A Ghoul’s Accountant" by Steven Crane

"Howard Phillips" by H.P. Lovecraft

"The Picture in the House" by H.P. Lovecraft

"Rattle of Bones" by Robert E. Howard

"The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

"The Tell Tale Heart" by Edgar Allan Poe

"The Spider" by Hanns Heinz Ewars

"The Thing at Gant" By Honore De Balzac

"The Boarded Window" by Ambrose Bierce

"The Cask of Amontillado" by Edgar Allan Poe

"Casting the Runes" by M.R. James

"A Cold Greeting" by Ambrose Bierce

"The Dead Mother" by Unknown

"Death and the Woman" by Gertrude Altherton

"I Have a Rendezvous with Death" by Alan Seeger

"An Inhabitant Of Carcosa" by Ambrose Bierce

"The Mask of the Red Death" by Edgar Allan Poe

"A Strange Gold Field" by Guy Boothby

"The Strange Orchid" by H.G. Wells

"Two Military Executions" by Ambrose Bierce

"The Valley of the Beast" by Algernon Blackwood

"Accessory Before the Fact" by Algernon Blackwood

"The Banshee" by Anonymous

"The Body Snatcher" by Robert Louis Stevenson

"The Dance of Death" by Algernon Blackwood

"The Empty House" by Algernon Blackwood

"The Evil Eye" by Lady Jane Wild

"The Hand" by Guy DE’Maupassant

"The Haunted Mill" by Jerome K. Jerome

"The Headless Cat of Number _____ Lower Seedley Road" by Elliot O’Donnell

"Hopfrog" by Edgar Allan Poe

"The Lady Witch" by Lady Jane Wild

Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan LeFanu

"Caterpillars" by E.F. Benson

"The Cats of Ulthar" by H.P. Lovecraft

"The Crawling Chaos" by H.P. Lovecraft

"The Nameless City" by H.P. Lovecraft

"Skulls in the Stars" by Robert E. Howard

"The Spook House" by Ambrose Bierce

"The Statement of Randolph Carter" by H.P. Lovecraft

"The Tomb" by H.P. Lovecraft

"The Dream" by Ivan Turgenev

"A Haunted House" by Virginia Woolfe

"The Mantiger" by Anonymous

"Napoleon and the Specter" by Charlotte Bronte

"One Summer Night" by Ambrose Bierce

"The Street" by H.P. Lovecraft

"A Test of Courage" by C.W. Leadbeater

"A Wedding Chest" by Vernon Lee

"Berenice" by Edgar Allan Poe

"The Black Cat" by Edgar Allan Poe

"The Monkey’s Paw" by W.W. Jacobs

"The Occupant of the Room" by Algernon Blackwood

"The Painters Bargain" by William Makepeace Thackery

"The Room in the Tower" by E.F. Benson

"Sally Flemming’s Hallucination" by Ambrose Bierce

"To Be Read at Dusk" by Charles Dickens

"Transformation" by Mary Shelley

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Writing Life Stories by Bill Roorbach

The Dead by James Joyce

Noon Wine by Katherine Ann Porter

The Overcoat by Nikolay Gogol

The Pilgrim Hawk by Glenway Wescott

The Bear by William Faulkner

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

The Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind

If anyone has any recommendations for me I’d love to hear them!

Remember, love is.

She's Home!

2010-03-12T19:46:00.000-06:00

Today (err, yesterday since it's like 1AM) started off shitty. I called my clinic only to find out that my psychiatrist no longer practices there and no one bothered to tell me, so now I have to start over as a new patient with a new doctor. Talk about frustrating. I'm sick of my clinic in general, so I'm now actively looking not only for new HIV treatment, but a new psychiatrist and hopefully a therapist in my area that accepts Medicaid. Ugh, pain in the butt.

Later however, the day turned wonderful.

My Aunt Pat came home today!

After nearly a year and a quarter we finally got to hug her again. I can't even begin to describe how nice it was. I missed her tons. I wrote her faithfully once a week the entire time, but it was nothing compared to actually having her here.

Finally we can go back to a somewhat normal life. Sure, it will take a while for things to get situated for her, but hopefully it will happen quickly and we can be a happy family again. These last two years have been absolute hell for us, so any type of normalcy will be incredible.

I am so, so thankful to have her home and I know she's enjoying her first night in her own bed. <3

In other news, I have not neglected my writing, I just have yet to produce and edited draft of anything that I feel worthy of being posted publicly. I've written a short story and worked a great deal on my memoirs, so I promise that I will have something soon. I have been reading a great deal lately too. Mostly short novels (I particularly loved Noon Wine by Katherine Ann Porter; look it up!) and just last night I decided to reread my collection of Edgar Allan Poe's work. He was my first favorite writer and I still love him and appreciate his genius even more as time goes on. As for audiobooks (I listen to them every night to fall asleep) I finished another Horror Story Collection and started on Lewis Carrol's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. It's been a long time since I read all of his Wonderland stories, so it's been fun to re-experience it all.

I am seriously thinking about starting to contribute to Librivox.org, the fantastic organization that produces my beloved audiobooks. I believe I would be good as a reader and it not only lets me experience new literature, but also puts it out there for others to do the same!

As for crafting, I just sent out a package to someone very, very special to me this week and once she receives her goodies I will be making a new post on my craft blog. :) I've got a few new project ideas in the works.

I've been busy and it's good for me in every way.

The final thing I'd like to say doesn't apply to most people who read my blog, but I feel it needs to be said anyway and I'm sure the person it's meant for will know it's for them. Bob Marley said it best -

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”

Remember, love is.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Dreadlocks!

2010-03-05T09:50:00.000-06:00

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Three years ago today, with the help of my cousin Mandy, her then boyfriend Ryan, a metal comb and much pain and patience my dreadlocks were born. Throughout the last three years I have learned a great deal about myself, vanity, patience and the true state of beauty.

Not everyone has always been behind my choice to dreadlock and that's okay. I do appreciate all the support I have gotten from both the dreadlock community, online and offline friends, and family. I love you all.

I have seen great changes happen on my head within the last three years and it never ceases to amaze me.

March 5, 2007.

I was so epically excited that day. I knew I was starting out on a wonderful journey, but I had no idea just how much it would impact my life.

March 5, 2008.

I have never regretted dreadlocking, not even for a single day, but the first year was hard. Waking up to a "rat's nest" of hair was sometimes a huge hit to my self esteem, especially when other people would give me a hard time, but I instinctively knew that if I held out it would be worth it.

March 5, 2009.

March 5, 2010.

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They are finally becoming the dreadlocks I always dreamed of. All they need to do now is GROW! =D

Yes, it's just hair, but it's so much more than that to me. I can't wait to see what the rest of this journey holds. Dreadlock love!

Remember, love is.

New Look, Same Great Blog!

2010-03-01T20:16:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post to announce the new layout! I finally found a scheme that I like. I am super picky about colors and such, so it's sometimes like torture finding a decent layout, but I did it!

You can expect a new memoir piece later this week. :)

Until next time, remember, love is.

To The Stars

2010-02-26T17:08:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow marks fifteen years since my father died. It seems only appropriate that the words that flowed from me in remembrance were these.

To The Stars
February 26, 2010

We were piling into the station wagon like any other time, but I knew something was incredibly wrong. Even at the tender age of 9 I could tell when something was not right. Dad was picking us up from a friend’s house where we stayed while he went to his appointment at the VA Hospital.

“What’s wrong Dad? What did the doctor say?”

“Nothing, Roxie Faye. Get in the car.”

Dad was climbing into the driver’s seat next to me and I could feel the heavy sense of dread hanging darkly over our heads. The pounding of my heart was audible in my ears and the tightness in my chest made the danger all the more clear.

“Dad, tell me. I’m not stupid. I know something’s wrong.”

He put the key into the ignition but he didn’t turn it. He sat staring straight ahead at something that existed only in his mind and my eyes bore into the side of his head waiting anxiously for his truth to come forward. Instinctively I knew he was trying to formulate how to tell his children even more awful news; and as much as I did not want to hear what it was, I knew I needed to know.

He sighed deeply and laid his right hand on my thigh. I can still see every black hair on his tanned hand, his short square nails at the ends of his thick fingers, the wrinkles in his knuckles and feel the moist warmth of his palm.

Then came the words. He uttered them dryly while continuing to stare straight in front of him, “Roxie Faye, they found a brain tumor in my head and they don’t think they can remove it.”

Then the bottom dropped out of my mind.

Everything went blank. I don’t remember being in the car or being spoken to any further. I don’t even remember if I was crying.

I knew in that moment my father was going to die.

All I could do was look into the bright stars of the Colorado sky. Dad and I had lain beneath these same sparkling dots countless times before and spied constellations together. I looked to those same stars with anger and fear in my heart for the first time.

Then silently, with more feeling than I had ever felt before in my life I said, “I hate you. First you made us sick. Then you took Momma. Now you’re going to take my dad and leave Cody and I orphaned? I hate you. No ‘loving’ God could do that.”

In that second all the lessons I’d learned in Sunday School that never really seemed evoke the truth inside of me that they did with the rest of the congregation became completely clear. I knew instantly that I couldn’t, and never truly did, believe.

That cold night under the stars I not only knew that my father was dead but that so was my faith.

Not Forgotten.

2010-02-25T17:55:00.000-06:00

I promise I have not forgotten about this blog. I have been having an extremely hard time lately - struggling very much with being bipolar.

I'm still working on my memoirs and stories, so hopefully soon I'll have something new to post here.

We found out that my aunt is getting released on March 12! It's about time we've had some good news.

I hope you'll all forgive me for my absence.

Remember, love is.

The Joy of Love.

2010-02-12T18:14:00.000-06:00

The Joy of Love

He smelled of stale cigarettes and fresh laundry. The room was dark. The only light emanated from the television faintly playing something too unimportant to be etched in my memory and from the glow in the dark stars stuck to the black bed sheet pinned to his ceiling.

We were teenagers who had recently found the joy of sex, and we had been spooning in his twin bed under his black comforter for so long I had started to believe he had fallen asleep.

I didn’t care though.

I was perfectly content basking in the warmth of his arms and in the newfound warmth in my heart. I was unsure what to call this new feeling inside me. There was a sense of belonging when I was with him - like I had found my place. I knew I felt safe, appreciated and satisfied, but there was something deeper I couldn’t put my finger on. It was just out of my reach.

Suddenly, I felt him pull me closer to him and heard him sniffle as if he were crying. Frightened, I rolled over to see his big blue “cow eyes” were brimming with tears.

Before I could utter a single word he said, “I just love you,” and kissed me softly on the lips.

There it was, that feeling I had been unable to place. I loved him. I loved him and he loved me. It was real and it was right. We were teenagers who were finding the joy of love too.

And The Moose Came Down

2010-02-09T16:02:00.000-06:00

Another rough draft of a memoir writing exercise I did last night. This is by far not a final draft.

And The Moose Came Down:
The Real Potential of Cody's Perception.

It was a bright, crisp morning - or maybe afternoon, I can’t remember, in the wide open wilderness of Yellowstone National Park. Cody and I sat eating on a giant, flat boulder directly in front of the camper we’d been living in since Momma died and Dad decided he couldn’t go home. The air was cool and refreshing. The mountains, golden and covered in sporadic pine trees, were peaceful and serene. Completely the opposite of the life we were running away from in Colorado.

“Roxie,” Cody said, only he pronounced the R like a Y, a big step from the former "Yaughum” I was for years. “There’s something big and black staring at me on the mountain,” he said with the pure conviction of a five year old, his mouth stuffed with whatever it was we were eating and his big blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight.

“There is nothing on the mountain Cody. Shut up and eat,” I dismissed his insistance outright. I didn’t even take the time to really scan the view. I just assumed nothing was there.

“Really Yoxie, it’s coming closer. The big black thing’s coming over here.” There was no real excitement in his voice, just calm confidence that what he saw was the truth.

“There is nothing coming over here!” I sternly answered, looking over the distant mountain and sure enough, all I could see were the same old trees and boulders that I had seen countless times before. No “big black thing”.

He was starting to get excited now, “It is! It really is!” I tried to distract him with whatever toy I had on hand. “Okay Yoxie, you’ll see.” He shined his gapped tooth grin.

I don’t know how long we sat perched on that rock, or even how we passed the time, I was just glad I had focused his attention onto something else. Suddenly Cody yelled, “Here it comes!” I looked up to see a giant bull moose lumbering directly for us and I was stunned with terror. I had seen moose in books and from long distances, but never up close and never so, well, BIG!

“Daaaaaaad!” I screamed, frozen in my seat while Cody, always fearless, bounced up and down giggling hysterically.

Dad, hearing my fear, burst from inside the camper, his black curly hair wild atop his head.

“Look!” I screamed, shaking and pointing at the enormous animal slowly getting closer and closer. I’m not sure what I thought the moose would do when it got to us, but I surely didn’t want to find out.

“Shh! Don’t move! Be quiet! It won’t hurt you. You’re going to scare it off,” Dad said waving his hand at us and staring wide eyed at the moose. “He’s just going down to the river to get a cold drink.” My father’s eyes were locked on the animal, seeing something he’d long lost sight of - the beauty the world still had to offer and the life that it could still give. I think he had been blinded by the darkness.

Sure enough,, the great moose with antlers almost too big to imagine, slowly passed us by and made his way into the trees along the riverbank without even giving us a second glance. As if two little kids and their nomad father were just everyday parts of the scenery.

My heart racing, I looked to my father standing at the open door. He was smiling, taking in the majestic beauty before him.

Cody jumped off the boulder and said, perfectly calmly, “I told you the big black thing was coming, Yoxie,” then took off on some new childhood task of utmost importance and leaving the past behind.

Dad winked at me and shut the camper door. We were okay. There was no monster coming to get us, just a headstrong moose finding his way to water. I could breathe again, but I realized in that instant to never doubt my brother, for his eyes see things I cannot, or will not, see.

The House With Two Chimneys

2010-02-05T11:22:00.000-06:00

Rough draft of a memoir writing exercise I did last night. This is by far not a final draft.

The House With Two Chimneys

Most of my memories of W. 2nd street are vague, only small snippets of my chaotic childhood. For all of the tragic memories life created on that cal-de-sac there are twice as many happy ones, if not more.

It’s where I made my first lifelong friends, where I learned to sled, read, ride a bike, eat crab apples and where I got ran over by a car while roller blading. It’s also where I spent Christmases with my parents, where I raced my brother to the top of the big pole in our garage and where I carved “I love Josh” in the grove of white barked Aspen trees between his house and mine. It’s where we grew our garden and processed the deer my dad brought home from his hunting trips. I can still smell the fresh carcass hanging macabrely from our garage ceiling and crying for Bambi’s lost mother.

Mostly though, I remember the house itself and the feeling of pure safety I felt inside it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that safe since. Perhaps that is because it was my only true home - the only home before everything shifted.

Our house was the last on the left side of the cal-de-sac. It was painted a deep slate blue and the only house with two chimneys. I was so proud of those chimneys! Even the kids at school knew my house by it’s silhouette in the sky.

It had a two car garage where my dad kept his tools in a big red toolbox Cody and I were never allowed to touch. Our front yard was bordered by a simple wooden fence made from a couple support poles and two wooden planks. The ground was just slanted enough that we could sled in our own front yard, but you had to watch out for that fence! It was crucial to time it just right, duck and slide under the bottom pole, or risk knocking your head clean off! Once clear of the fence, it was smooth sailing into the quiet street. I always tried to spin my saucer once I made it past the fence. Not only was it fun - it looked cool as hell!

In our yard there were a few pine trees, another knarly one with deep purple leaves along the fence and in the center a small, grey barked tree with bright red leaves that tasted fresh, clean, like freedom. Underneath the tree grew yellow and purple pansies - they tasted pretty good too! Cody and I ate everything as kids. Ask the poison control operators!

Five or six three foot square concrete blocks created the steps to our front stoop and outlined a big, brick flower bed. I grew a fruitful cantaloupe patch there one year, despite my dad’s insistence that cantaloupes wouldn’t grow in Colorado.

Next to the flower bed, on the right of the steps, was a big bush, my mother’s tulips and our window well. I was always intrigued by the window well because the neighborhood kids often found salamanders living in theirs. I was never lucky enough to find any creatures in mine - only an unripe cantaloupe some butthead kid picked from my patched and tossed inside. Jerk.

Once you entered the front door you were actually on the second floor of the house. To the left was the closet my dad hid the Christmas presents in, complete with a nail in the top to keep us kids out. Beyond that, to the left, were the stairs to the first floor and directly in front of the entrance to the house were the stairs leading up into the third floor. Finally, to the right of the front entrance was the living room, home to the first fireplace and our 50 gallon aquarium and two albino Oscars.

If you chose to take the stairs down to the first floor, you’d find yourself in a large den that housed the second fireplace. For some reason, I was always afraid in that room. I still get the creeps thinking about it and occasionally have bad dreams centered around it. Directly to the left of the stairs was a hallway that lead to the garage entrance, a bathroom I once accidentally locked myself inside and finally to the room where I was home schooled.

Inside was my dad’s big wooden desk with his then super fancy, now gigantic and obsolete computer we were forbidden to ever touch, like his toolbox. Me and Cody’s smaller wooden desks were beside it, where I learned to read. I found transport to worlds completely opposite of my own at that desk. I could travel from there, instantly! I also found my first taste of success and of pride in that little wooden chair. On the adjoining wall was my reading chart where for every book I read I got a red star. There were so many we started sticking them to the wall itself.

Back in the den was a door leading to our back yard and one to the laundry room where our cleaning lady once found one of my dad’s porno magazines and told me that he was a pervert.

On the opposite side of the staircase from the hallway laid the steps to our basement wherein my dad made fishing lures for his shop called “Jonah - It’s a Whale of a Deal!” Basements are always scary when you’re seven. Mine had a pile of scuba gear that resembled human remains and a giant painting of Bozo the Clown directly at the base of the stairs that the light hit perfectly to scare the living daylights out of you.

Now, if you decided to go up the stairs from the front door you’d find yourself in our dining room with big french doors that opened onto our back deck. I first learned to whistle on that deck and caught and released thousands of wayward moths who’d trapped themselves inside the french doors.

To the right of the dining room was our kitchen. It wasn’t very big - both the floors in the kitchen and dining room, even the stairs, were made from cold, hard, orange ceramic tile. The kitchen counters were also ceramic with various strange designs in white, deep blue and orange.

Both the kitchen and dining room were open, lined with wooden railing allowing a direct view down into the entire second floor. Cody once got his head stuck in the railing and we had to coat his head in butter and eventually remove one railing post to get him out. He thought it was hilarious. Dad, not so much.

Turn to the left of the stairway to see the hallway lined with bright blue carpet leading to the bedrooms. The bathroom Cody and I shared with the same crazy tiles as the kitchen was the first door on the right. We took our baths and created many memories in that bathroom, including one of a buttnaked, wet spanking because we were fighting in a bathtub filled to the absolute brim, sloshing water all over the floor. Ha!

Both Cody and my bedrooms were on the left side of the hallway, his first then mine. All the bedrooms had the same blue carpet. Momma hated that damned carpet. I don’t remember much about Cody’s room up until we eventually started sharing it shortly before we moved out of the house. I do know that both rooms had big windows, directly in the center, overlooking the roof and out onto the cal-de-sac. My room had white wicker furniture - a toybox, headboard and nightstand. I also had white shelves built into the wall for my books and various nicknacks.

Directly across the hall from my room was my parent’s master bedroom. The most vivid of all in my memory. Their big bed with the pink and blue flowery bedspread, so soft, where Momma and I watched the Beauty and the Beast soap opera and “The Wonder Years” on their small 24” television resting on top their chest of drawers. The bigger dresser with the giant mirror was on Momma’s side of the bed, the right. Dad’d side had a nightstand where he kept his teeth and his books. On that same side was the closet, home to his big old cowboy boots and bolo ties. I spent the eighth year of my life sleeping at the foot of their bed, on the floor, every night because I had vivid nightmares of losing Dad after Momma died.

Inside their bathroom was first a sink and mirror where I distinctly remember my dad trimming his nose hair and joking that one day I’d have a big honker just like his. Talk about scary!

Next came the toilet and their shower. I can still smell the wet clean scent of my mother there. My crispest memory of her is showering with her. I know it sounds odd to remember my mother naked, but I think I felt the most safe and loved inside that shower. I felt close to her there. The memory is tender, warm and comforting.

This was the house my mother suffered in (hell, we all did), the house where television interviews and documentaries were filmed, but mostly this was the house we were all in together. Where we were all a family - a real family - a father, mother, two kids and their pets.

The last time I saw the house I was 12 years old. New people called it their home. They’d painted it grey and parked their strange cars in its driveway. I couldn’t even bear to look at it for fear of tainting the memory for me. It wasn’t the same and it was too much to handle. I often wonder if its new family knows about the memories a small girl made there or of the losses she experienced. I hope it’s as much a home to them as it was to her.

End.

Remembering My Mother.

2010-02-02T02:29:00.000-06:00

We have had a hell of a weekend. My brother in law was in a massive car accident on Saturday wherein one of his best friends got killed. He was only 17. We are all still reeling from it all and are worried about all the kids involved. I’m just glad that Winston is okay. ? That’s all I’ll say about it on this public forum.

Sleep sweet Mike. You are loved.

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Today marks 18 years since my mother passed from complications of AIDS. Unfortunately, I don’t have many memories of her aside from ones from when she was sick. I was seven when she died and she was sick for over two years before losing her fight.

The memories I do have of her though I treasure. I remember showering with her as a small child, of sledding with her and of her hair. I remember that I was loved and that I loved her.

Her name was Theresa, but her family called her Pauline. My dad called her Tessie and we called her Momma.

She was a petite woman, like me, about 5’4” and 115 lbs and was very natural. She had mousey brown hair with bangs. She wore little makeup and despised lipstick and always had short fingernails because she hated acrylics. She almost always wore jeans and a t-shirt with loafers sans socks or pantyhose. The only jewelry she wore were rings, a watch and her earrings. She couldn’t stand things around her neck so she never wore necklaces. She didn’t like to dress up because she thought she looked bad. What a joke!

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She was absolutely beautiful, but her most striking features were her crystal blue eyes. They were the kind of eyes that when looked into all you could feel was joy. Cody inherited her eyes, big blue ones that are so light they are nearly white.

Her other facial features were very small - completely feminine. She had brilliantly white and straight teeth with a laugh that made everyone else around her join in. When my mother smiled, everything fell away and you couldn’t help but be filled with wonderful emotion.

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She had a few nervous habits, all of which I have taken from her. (Lucky me! ;)) She would bite the sides of her lips and cheek, had a hacky cough and always cleared her throat. Also, she would stand on one foot like a flamingo, just like me! When telling a story, she had to include every little detail so it often took her much longer than necessary to get her point across and it nearly drove my poor father crazy.

Mom had a soft feminine voice with a slight southern drawl which she very rarely raised. She spoke calmly and never said an ill thing about anyone, according to my Aunt Pat. When she would scold me she would always say, “And I mean it!” She also had a habit of saying “Jesus” and “My word!” with a lot of feeling behind it about everything.

She suffered from depression and anxiety most of her life just like me. She struggled a lot with being afraid and with finding her strength. I’m not sure she ever did, but I hope so.

She had a lot of jobs in her life ranging from working in a mom & pop grocery store to traveling the country with my dad selling magazines with hippies. Mostly though, she was happy to be a homemaker and a mother.

She married once, before my father and had two sons, Sonny and Daniel. Unfortunately, her biggest mistake in life was abandoning them when she met my dad. At the time, she believed she was doing the right thing by leaving them with their grandparents, but up until this day they will have no contact with Cody and me. I don’t know what happened to them as children, but apparently it was enough to scar them forever. I think about them a lot and I wish I were a part of their lives, but it’s okay. I just hope they can someday forgive her for the mistakes she made because she paid with her life for those mistakes and she regretted them upon her deathbed, at the mere age of 37.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Momma & Roxie circa 1985."][/caption]

Technically she died twice, but I remember the first time like it happened yesterday because I was in the room. She had just gotten home from a long stint at the hospital and wasn’t doing too well. My dad suggested to her that she go back and she said, “No Steve! I don’t want to go back!” and then she collapsed in bed and he couldn’t revive her. He called 911 and sent my brother and I across the street to our neighbor’s house. After that, all I remember were the ambulances and fire trucks showing up to our home with the medics wearing full out radiation type suits. At the time it scared the shit out of me, but now I just think about it and cringe.

I know they were only protecting themselves, because back in 1992 they weren’t 100% sure how HIV/AIDS was transmitted, but even then it seemed like too much. As if my family had not already gone through enough stigmatization for their status. Our neighbors had a field day with that one...

Anyway, she was eventually revived after nearly being pronounced dead and they took her to the hospital where she lived for another 14 days in a coma. My father spent every single day with her until the end.

When he finally came home and told us, he put Cody on his left knee and me on his right in their bedroom and told us, “Your mother has died.” All I remember saying was, “No, it’s just a dream Dad. It’s just a bad dream,” but of course it wasn’t.

One thing I have recently realized is that the feeling you get when you learn of someone you love’s death - that surreal, movie like, dream state feeling - never changes, no matter what point of your life you’re at. It felt the same when I was seven as it did when I was 10 (dad’s death), when I was 17 (my brother Zack’s passing), and when I was scared for Winston at age 25. In a split second you’re back to that same place and it never changes.

There were a lot of tragic moments in my mother’s life, but I choose to remember and celebrate the good ones. She was an honest, decent, loving woman who suffered a long painful death way before her time.

I miss her every single day of my life and I often wonder what my life would have been like had I had her presence, her motherly love, throughout my life. I fail to understand the daughter - child relationship and that makes me feel sad and ripped off. We missed out on so much together, but I am thankful that I knew her for seven years. I’m thankful that I had such a completely beautiful mother, inside and out, that I look just like her, and that her memory still lives on through Cody and me.

I love you Momma. Thank you for my life and for all your influence. Even through death you taught me how to be the woman I am today. I eternally miss you.

Remember, love is.

Rest in Peace, Theodore...

2010-01-18T00:12:00.000-06:00

Theodore Butters
October 2005 - January 17, 2010.

Theodore is gone. It was quick and easy and he felt no pain. I sure am feeling it, but I know it was for the best. He was a wonderful little man that I will miss every single day. He brightened my life for four years and I know he had a happy life with me. He was always a huffy butthead, but he was my huffy butthead. I loved him.

He had a stroke about 2 months ago and was progressively getting worse. He was no longer able to eat kibble and was barely eating wet food. He had a drastic drop in weight and recently started to seem like he was in pain, so I knew it was time to put him down. I has absolutely broken my heart, but I couldn't bear the thought of him hurting.

He's now running through long grass and eating mealies with my precious Quillson. Sleep sweetly my quilly love...

<3<3<3

See more of Theodore's lovely life on my hedgehog page and in his Flickr album.

Goals for 2010.

2010-01-10T03:04:00.000-06:00

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="332" caption="Click to view larger."][/caption]

Wow, has it really been over a week since I updated? 2010 is already flying by and has already proven to be a better year than last year, thank goodness!

I don't have much new to report on here. I have been working on my 365 Project and have been crocheting a ton. You can see my latest projects over on my craft blog. It's exciting whenever someone likes my work enough to pay for it. I thoroughly enjoy making something for others. It fuels my crafting lust as well as my love of giving! Hee!

I've been enjoying my time with my favorite boys lately, as always. I'm lucky to have so many sweet lads in my life. I definitely wake up every day thankful for each of them.

I'm really excited about this new year and new decade. I have high hopes of finishing many different projects I have had living in my mind for years. I feel like 25 is going to be a big year for me. I don't really like the concept of setting "new year's resolutions" because they always just seem to fail that way, but I do set goals for myself every single day, so why not set some for the whole year!

Goals for 2010

Complete my autobiography.

Write a book of short stories.

Read at least 30 novels. *This includes audiobooks that I listen to to fall asleep.*

Finish 100 crochet projects.

Add to my tattoo sleeve.

Stick to my 365 Project.

Continue on my journey to finding the best way to live with bipolar disorder.

Journal daily. *I used to be so good at this, but have failed recently.*

Get awesome geetar skillz!

Get a better, stronger, toned body.

Play more RPGs! =D

I believe all of those are doable this year. I don't really expect to be published in 2010, but I would like to at least finish these works I've been mulling around in my head for so long.

I hope you'll all stick with me through all the adventures 2010 has to hold!

Remember, love is.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T02:06:00.000-06:00

2009 was a hell of a year, so here's to hoping that 2010 is a lot better.

I spent my New Years Eve with my favorite boys and Cody and I finally took more pictures together! We hadn't taken a photo together since his graduation back in 2007. Yeah, I know, we suck as siblings. ;)

I love my brother so much and am so proud of the man he has grown into. Spending time with him makes me unbelievably happy. <3

Also tonight, Cody and I took some photos of the gorgeous sky with my new camera. We couldn't believe how beautiful it was tonight. What a great way to celebrate the end of the year.

I hope you all had a fun, safe New Year's Eve and that 2010 is full of happiness and prosperity. Thank you for being in my life.

Remember, love is.

Christmas 2009.

2009-12-25T23:42:00.000-06:00

Christmas has been hard for my family for the last two years because of my aunt's situation. Last year, she went in right before the holidays, so it was a really hard year. This time around we decided to try to make the best of it and with the help of my loving in-laws we all had a really nice Christmas. Hopefully this is the last year we will have to celebrate without Pat.

We all got together and ate delicious food, watched funny movies, exchanged gifts and had a really good time all together. I am thankful for all the presents I received and especially for all the love I am surrounded with.

I thought that I would share some photos from our holiday and hopefully spread some of the joy we shared.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="283" caption="Little Phoenix's smile captures the epitome of Christmas joy."][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="All my favorite kiddos that aren't going to be kiddos much longer."][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="332" caption="My handsome brother in law Winston who I am so thankful for."][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="My gorgeous brother who always has my heart. (Oh and JD teaching Drew how to safely shoot his new BB gun in the background.)"][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="My spoiled rotten doggie camouflaging into the scenery."][/caption]

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="No holiday is complete without a horrible picture of yourself."][/caption]

I hope you all had a wonderful day, regardless if you celebrate Christmas or not and that you spent it either doing things you love or with people you treasure.

I know I owe you guys an update. Honestly, not much has been going on with me. I have been working pretty much exclusively on my book. At the moment I am pretty crucially stuck and it's frustrating me to no end, but I hope that it will all start coming back together for me sometime soon.

Oh, and you might notice that my blog entries have once again gone through an overhaul. I just felt like I needed to start fresh again. Haha, always changing!

Remember, love is.